Seven-Year Itch
by Vancouver-Canuck-Girl
Summary: After seven years of marriage Edward and Bella have lost what they once had. Edward's painful past affects him on a much deeper level than he realizes. Can he face his past, reveal all to Bella and find his happily ever after? Or will knowing the truth push her further away? SAHM and married couples will relate to the realism and this story will hit home for many. (no cheating)
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

When I was seventeen, I wasn't what one would classify as popular. My hair was chaotic; it defied all styling products and stuck up six ways from Sunday. I've been told I have nice eyes, but back then they were hidden behind thick, coke-bottle-lens glasses. My voice change felt like it took five years to complete, and it would crack at the most inopportune times. Acne took up residence on my face, neck, back and chest. I tried over-the-counter medications, homeopathic remedies, and avoided chocolate and grease, but nothing worked.

If all that wasn't enough to make me an outcast, I had a major growth spurt the summer before my senior year. I was six-foot three and weighed 150 lbs soaking wet with clothes on. And my size twelve and a half shoe didn't make me very graceful. At best, I was gangly and awkward. Have I mentioned I also wore braces? The old-school-silver-metal-whole-mouth kind. I have the pictures to prove it though not many since I destroyed most photos of myself at that age long, long ago.

Growing up, my father had several affairs. Since we lived in a small town it was a well-known fact in our community, but my parents kept up a façade of a happy marriage until I was fourteen. That all changed when my father left my mother for his lover, Garrett. I've had little contact with him since he up and moved to Florida to live happily ever after.

My brother, Carlisle, is nine years older and really more of a father figure to me than a brother. I've always looked up to him; much more so than the man who calls himself my dad. I have very little respect for the man who abandoned my mother and essentially me without so much as a backward glance.

Carlisle was living on his own in Seattle when our dad left, so he never had to deal with the teasing and tormenting that I did. Let me tell you, it wasn't easy being the son of the only known gay person in a small town. But my brother was always there with words of advice. The one thing he told me was to be proud of who I was no matter what, and to not live with regrets.

Taking his advice to heart, I worked up the courage to ask the prettiest girl in school to go to senior prom with me. If nothing else, I had balls. I'd never been on a date and thought the prom would be the ideal choice for my first one. I may or may not have been hoping I'd also get my first kiss and, please God, get laid as well. Go big or go home, right?

Jessica Stanley was standing with a group of the other popular girls in the parking lot after school. I gave myself a pep talk before asked if I could talk to her alone. With an odd look to her friends, she agreed, taking a few steps in my direction. Stuttering and stumbling through my words while I kicked at imaginary rocks, I managed to ask her to go to prom with me. Imagine my surprise when she said 'yes!' I was ridiculously excited. I literally ran home that day to tell my mom, who was as elated as I was.

When the time came, Mom took me to a neighboring town to get fitted for a tux. She helped me choose a corsage and gave me a lecture about respecting boundaries when out with a girl. I hoped and prayed we got to the point where I needed that advice.

I showed up at Jessica's house in a stretch limo, corsage in hand. It took me a minute to calm the jitters in my stomach but I finally knocked on her front door. I wiped my sweaty palms on my rented tux and wiggle my toes in my too tight, stiff, shiny, uncomfortable shoes as I waited.

Jessica's mother answered the door. With my outstretched hand, I proudly introduced myself as Edward Cullen, there to pick up her daughter for prom. With a puzzled look, Mrs. Stanley informed me Jessica had left a half hour before with her date, Mike Newton, captain of the football team. But of course.

I lied, laughing it off and said I must have been at the wrong house - what else was I supposed to do? I knew she knew the truth but she graciously said nothing to me about it. If she had, I may have died right there on her front steps.

After being stood up, there was no way I could go home and see my mom. She'd scrimped and scraped together the money to rent the limo and tux, and to buy the corsage. She went without just so I could have that one special night.

Instead, I had the limo driver use up the time paid for. He drove from Forks to Port Angeles and around town. He stopped at the McDonald's drive-thru for a Big Mac combo, supersized with fries and a Coke – his treat – which I thought was very nice. After I stuffed my face, I bawled my eyes out, wondering why life had to be so cruel. Hadn't I dealt with enough - the years of bullying and tormenting - but why add insult to injury and have me stood up on prom night?

In the back of the limo, I cursed myself for thinking someone as beautiful and popular as Jessica Stanley would actually agree to go to prom with geeky, old me. I was a delusional idiot to fathom I had a chance with her. My hope of feeling like a regular teen, doing something as normal as going to prom, was a fucking joke.

My heart hurt so much. More than that, my ego took a hit and I don't think I ever fully recovered. I had no idea how I was going to go to school the following week knowing that once again, I was the butt of all their jokes.

Somehow, I managed to quell my tears before I went back home. Of course, my mom was waiting up for me that night, wanting to hear every last detail. I made up an elaborate story about all the decorations and pretty lights. In detail, I described the dress Jessica wore, how she loved the corsage that matched the coral pink of the material perfectly. In reality, the carnation was stuffed in a garbage bin somewhere on Main Street. My mom smiled when I told her of all the dancing we did.

When she asked if I'd kissed her, I said yes.

Her eyes lit up and she grinned from ear to ear as she clapped her hands together. Mom was my best friend, my only friend really. She knew I'd never kissed a girl before- she was as excited as I would have been had my tale been the truth. She begged me for details; I couldn't deny her like I had been, so I gave Mom what she wanted to hear.

My story was that at the end of the night, I led Jessica by the hand outside onto the balcony. Under the light of the full moon, I told her how beautiful she looked and Jess told me I was the most handsome man she'd ever seen. I'd closed my eyes, leaned in, and the kiss was perfect. There was some hesitation for a brief moment and then my lips brushed against hers for a first kiss that was soft, yet tender. I told of the butterflies that took flight in my stomach, tickling with anticipation. With her hand on my arm, Mom swooned at my description. Thankfully, I had a vivid imagination and could give my mom that piece of joy. As a parent myself now, I know how important it is to see your children be happy. I have no regrets about lying to my mom because in that moment she was truly happy.

Less than twenty-four hours later, she was gone.

As she stood making me breakfast the following morning, mom suddenly collapsed to the floor, the dishes clanging on the tile as she fell. By the time the paramedics arrived after my frantic 911 call, there was nothing they could do. Apparently, she'd had an aneurism, quick and painless for her, heartbreaking for me to witness as a seventeen year old.

Carlisle, who was living in Seattle with his then-girlfriend now-wife, Esme, came to the house that night. I was in a daze having lost both my mom and best friend in the blink of an eye. As I stood idly by, my brother took over. In two days, he'd packed my things, made arrangements for our mother's body to be cremated, the ashes sent to his address, and for our childhood home to be sold.

The long drive from Forks to Seattle was a blur of passing trees and raindrops on the windshield that rivaled my tears. As the miles passed, the realization I was getting that much further from my mom – the only person I believed truly loved me – was crushing. My chest was tight; my heart felt as though it was pulverizing under the pressure. Each shard ripped through me, leaving deep scars I doubted would ever heal. Though Carlisle was with me, I felt completely alone and unbelievably scared for the unknown that was my future.

Literally with open arms, Esme welcomed me into their home. Shyly, I thanked her for her hospitality and assured her I wouldn't overstay my welcome. Though I was only seventeen, I promised to get a job to afford me a place of my own – a statement she balked at telling me I could stay as long as necessary.

Without much more than an occasional 'how are you?' or a back slap in passing, Carlisle gave me personal space in which to grieve. To an extent, Esme did too, but she was the one who'd often sit in silence with me at the kitchen table at four in the morning. Or she'd give me a hug because she'd say it looked like I could use one.

After months of me being numb, Esme really took me under her wing. She made arrangements for me to take some courses at a local college- just to give me something to do with my time. She helped keep me motivated and reminded me to do my assignments. On really bad days, she'd literally drag my ass to school. She became a dear friend, the first person in my life who wasn't a relative who truly cared for me. And yes, I had a slight crush on her, perhaps more for her compassion than anything else.

With my GED completed and under my belt, Carlisle got me a job working for a friend's construction company. Mr. Cheney paid me far more than what I was worth, but I think that was orchestrated by my brother. Partly for my self-esteem, and partly to afford me the money to move out on my own.

Though I missed both of them dearly and I was scared shitless to be on my own, it was time. After a year and a half with them, I needed to let them be a couple again, especially with their impending wedding. More importantly, I needed to learn to stand on my own two feet...somehow.

One day, a few months after I got my own place, Esme stopped by unexpectedly I answered the door in my usual attire – sweat pants, grubby t-shirt, two days growth on my face and, I'm sure, less than stellar body odor. As she walked in without invitation, I pushed my glasses up my nose and tried to tame my hair, hoping for some semblance of order.

Esme had to move a pizza box and some other take-out wrappings off the couch to sit down. As casually as possible, I laughed as I tidied up, tossing garbage and miscellaneous crap into the sink. I explained I'd been so busy with work and such that I couldn't possibly keep up with housework.

My soon-to-be sister in law called me out on my bullshit.

"'Work and such', huh? Tell me what exactly the 'and such' consists of. You're obviously not bringing girls back to this dump."

I snorted and let my secret slip.

"I wouldn't even know what to do with a girl if I did bring her home."

I blushed something fierce and Esme quietly asked me a question.

"Edward, have you ever had a girlfriend?"

There was no way I could lie to her after all she'd done for me. I shook my head and sat down beside her.

"Ever held a girl's hand? Taken someone special out on a date?"

"I look my mom out to the diner in Forks for dinner all the time."

Esme gave me a small smile and stared right through to my soul. It was that look of genuine concern – perhaps love – which made me crumble. Never before had anyone shown me such compassion. I felt the shards of glass stabbing my heart again and, without my consent, I let down the guard I'd had in place since I'd left Forks after the disastrous prom. Before that even, since the bullying first started in elementary school.

Through sobs, I told her all about the botched date and my fake first kiss. I took off my glasses, tossing them onto the mess as I wiped away my snot and tears.

"You must think I'm a real loser." I said it with a slight laugh but Esme shook her head.

"Not at all. I think you're a sweet kid who got dealt the short end of the stick in life. You're cute without your glasses, you know."

"Maybe you should put them on, you're obviously not seeing clearly." My fingers pulled through my hair; I'm sure making it no worse for wear.

"Have you ever worn contacts?"

I shook my head. As I did, Esme moved closer to me, her hand tugged at my hair. I was mortified, imagining how greasy it was after two days without showering but she didn't flinch.

"Come with me, I think I know exactly what you need."

That Sunday afternoon, my life was transformed as much as my look. Like that show 'What Not To Wear' I was completely made over. First Esme got me contacts, and then forced me into a chair at a salon. The stylist cut my hair and found me products that actually worked in my hair – go figure. After lunch, she bought me new clothes that somehow looked tailored to my gangly form.

The last store she dragged me into was to buy a suit. I balked at that – wondering where I'd ever need such a formal look but she insisted. Esme informed me woman had power panties to make them feel good; therefore I needed a suit and tie. After all the fussing and pinning, I looked at myself in the mirror. A good hard look. I actually smiled at the reflection of myself. Gone was the acne, the uncombed hair, the braces; the boy who didn't have an ounce of self worth. Replacing him was a man who could have been any normal guy on his way to the office. I wasn't happy, but I could see that maybe I could trick myself into it.

Esme- sweet, wonderful Esme- came to stand beside me, and looped her arm through mine. We looked like a couple standing there, smiling at each other. I turned to face her and she placed a hand against my cheek, grinning at me.

"Hey, handsome."

I couldn't help but to smile back at her. For the first time since I don't know when, I felt good about myself. And I was so incredibly thankful to Esme for her efforts.

And then I did something so incredibly stupid. I leaned in for a kiss.

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**Starting this story was a scary leap into a different genre for me but with many thanks to my pre-reader Lolo84 and my beta Capricorn75, I did it. Thank you for all your help and encouragement. **

**I'd love to hear your thoughts.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for all the kind reviews, follows, etc. Sorry I left things the way I did with Edward leaning in for a kiss. Here's the continuation.**

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**Chapter 2**

With her hand on my chest, Esme stopped me. She didn't push me back or scold me in any way, she just gently splayed her fingers against me to politely stop me from making a mistake. Her kindness made me hurt all the more. For so many reasons, I knew I shouldn't have gone in for kiss. Besides not knowing what I was doing, Esme was my brother's fiancé. I was totally taking advantage of her charity and instantly regretted my actions. How could I be such a fool?

I might as well have been standing there with my buckteeth, ratty clothes, fucked up hair, zit face and coke-bottle glasses. In that moment I was completely stripped down and embarrassed - far worse than when Mrs. Stanley told me Jessica had gone to prom with someone else. I'd mistaken generosity for attraction and stuttering an apology, I tried to walk away. Esme wouldn't let me.

"It's okay, hun. Really."

"I-I'm so sorry. I don't even know what I'm doing. I've never—" I stopped myself from embarrassing myself further as I scrubbed my hands over my face.

"Have you ever kissed a girl before?" Her voice didn't ridicule as she asked.

I shook my head.

Esme stood there for a moment, staring at me. It wasn't a look of pity, but I couldn't figure out what it was. She surprised me when she went up on her tippy toes and pressed her lips against mine. They were surprisingly soft and warm. I closed my eyes, waiting to experience all the tingles and flutters I dreamt went along with a first kiss. Everything I ever wanted to feel on prom night with Jessica. A moment later, Esme pulled back.

My finger tips brushed against my lips as I stood there in awe.

"How was that?"

I scratched my head. "Uh, different, I guess. It kind of felt like I was kissing my sister or something."

Esme laughed. "Could be because I kind of _am_ your sister."

"Good point. Why did you do that?"

"I don't know. I wanted you to have a nice first kiss."

Those damn tears wet my eyes again.

"Thank you. For everything you've done for me, not only today but since my mom's death."

"All I want is for you to feel as good on the inside as you look on the outside. Come on, you're taking me out for dinner tonight."

I gulped. "Like a date?"

"I guess, yeah."

Ask me if I know what we ate that night, or even what the restaurant was called and I haven't a clue. I do know that the company was the best I've ever had. The floodgates opened and I confided in Esme all the skeletons in my closet. It was more than therapeutic, it was restoring my faith in people and was healing my soul.

I got home that night with more than a new look - I had a new attitude to go along with it. Perhaps even a smidge of confidence. Esme made me realize I wasn't worthless and I did deserve happiness. I left the old Edward behind and prepared to start my new life.

The next day, I joined a gym. Over the next few months, I added some bulk and definition to my lanky frame, even earned myself a six-pack. I stopped being such a loner and started going out with the guys from work on weekends. Had my first real kiss, touched my first not-real-but-equally-fantastic boob. I dated girls who weren't my sister-in-law and got my first girlfriend.

Tanya was a sweetheart. She taught me a lot about being a boyfriend – the little things like calling to say 'hi' for no reason or bringing flowers so she'd know I was thinking of her.

She taught me the art of kissing, slow, languid, melding of lips and rolling, sucking tongues. After several failed attempts, I learned how to unclasp a bra without wrecking it, one-handed, thank you very much.

I was schooled on how to kiss, suckle, nibble and pinch a breast and nipple so it was pleasurable. Tanya was ever so patient as I fumbled my way around her body. She gave me my first hand job and then blow job. Holy fucking shit, by the way, that's all sorts of amazing.

She let me watch while she brought herself to orgasm. Her hands lazily caressing her breasts first, then trailed down lower. Her knees parted, giving me a spectacular view of exactly how and what everything looked like down there. I was in complete awe.

Patience again her virtue, Tanya taught me how to bring her to orgasm using my fingers. Pretty sure I came in my pants the first few times my fingers slid into the warmth beneath her curls.

She watched porn with me - in slow motion I should add - showing me how to duplicate the techniques with my tongue. It quickly became one my favorite ways to make her - well any a woman really - orgasm. Her pussy pulsating against my fingers; her clit vibrating on my tongue; her unique taste on my lips. There's nothing like that feeling after a woman is rendered spineless after you make her come undone. It made me feel empowered. And hearing my name called out with God's wasn't so bad either.

On a lazy, rainy Saturday afternoon, I lost my virginity to Tanya Denali. It wasn't a spectacular performance by any means. It was three thrusts in, a "holy fucking shit", a grunt and a groan all uttered by me before I finished and collapsed on her naked chest. Afterwards, I cried like a baby while Tanya stroked my hair and ego simultaneously. She was so sweet and never once did she make fun of me for the lack of performance or abundance of tears.

We broke up six months after we met but I'm not sad about our relationship ending. She came into my life and gave me so much more than happiness; she gave me hope. It was a mutual separation and I wish her nothing but the best. Not many can say that about an ex-lover.

A short while after we broke up, I hooked up with Angela, a personal trainer at the gym I went to. Where Tanya taught me about making love, Angie taught me all about fucking. I fucked her with my hand, a vibrator, a dildo, and my cock. In my apartment, in the parking garage, at her office; in her ass. She taught me to growl dirty phrased like "beautiful pussy" and "come on my cock, baby girl" in the heat of passion. Name a position, Angela and I did it. She was vocal about what she liked (everything) and didn't (nothing). I was in heaven, until I was in hell. I guess everyone has a psychotic-ex-turned-stalker that makes them shudder. Still, I don't begrudge my time with her, she also taught me so much.

After her I dated Bree. She was a little bit like Tanya and a little bit like Angie – a perfect mix of the two. Something about us 'clicked'. She didn't have to teach me anything; I wasn't a student. It was the first relationship where I felt like I knew what I was doing.

One night, after we'd been dating for about four months, I was supposed to meet up with Bree at a club to celebrate her friend's birthday. She called to say she was running late so Carlisle, who was working security at the club (a side job while he took some extra business classes), got me and her friend, the birthday girl, through the line into the club.

As it turned out Bree wasn't the one I was to marry but her friend was. There was this instant, animal-like attraction between the two of us. Besides her long, curly chestnut hued hair, her curvy body and killer legs, I noticed the shoes first. Yes, shoes. Damn. They were electric blue, open toed, with a flower on them and at least six inches, making her a perfect height for me.

After I bought her a drink, the rest, as they say, is history. Though it started off as a sexual relationship, there was depth to us. Rather quickly, we became inseparable. I needed Bella like Carlisle needed Esme. I knew she was important to me; she was slowly become my everything. Loving Bella came naturally. I wanted to call and see how she was doing. I wanted to bring her presents and gifts. Making her happy made me happy. She did the same for me.

Though I had serious relationships with Tanya and Angie, and with Bree to a lesser degree, I didn't know what love truly was until I met Bella. And I certainly didn't know how it felt to have the depths of it be mutual. We were married within the year at City Hall, with both Esme and Carlisle by our sides. Besides my mom, there was no one else I needed there.

By then, the money from the sale of my mom's home and assets were out of trust and bequeathed to me. Together, Carlisle and I started our own construction company. By the grace of God, or perhaps just some good karma, our business didn't tank. More than that, it thrived. Even better and more important than that, Bella and I flourished.

That kiss with Jessica I made up, the one where I told my mom I'd felt butterflies of anticipation in my stomach, happened on a daily basis with Bella. I could feel as much love fucking her backwards as I did laying her down and worshiping her body while we made love.

Every single day with my wife made me fall in love with her all over again. She did little things like putting toothpaste on my toothbrush, or folding my socks the way I like them, and baking me oatmeal chocolate chip cookies from scratch, just like mom did. They way she'd rub her foot up against mine in those last few minutes before we'd fall asleep left me slumbering with a smile on my face. Bella would sit through movies I know she didn't particularly like just so we could snuggle on the couch under the blanket. I'll never forget the time she came to my office wearing her raincoat and nothing else.

There were the significant things like her not only remembering the date of my mom's passing, but booking the day off work to be with me. Convincing me to go to Florida to face the father who basically abandoned me.

And, for the record, I was equally as loving to her, though I admit I quite enjoy her taking care of me. I'd pop a CD into her car stereo, cued up to our song. Though it wasn't comfortable for me, I'd squish into the bathtub with her and endure a sweet and fruity smelling bubble bath. Okay, I admit the thought of her wet, naked body somewhat enticed me to do so. I sat through both 'Sex and the City' movies, in the theatre, because she asked me to. When her mom died, I went with her to California to pay our respects.

No act was more special or more important because each of us was demonstrating our love for the other.

The stars aligned and _Cullen Construction_ landed a big account. It meant we could afford a house in a neighborhood we both loved, close to Carlisle and Esme. Two story, four bedrooms, huge backyard, and an actual white picket fence. Could life be any more perfect?

After we'd been married for a few years, we both desired a family. When it didn't happen for us right away, we remained optimistic. The months went by, each with negative results. Yes, we were frustrated but never did we take it out on each other. It was over a year before we were blessed, doubly so. The twins put Bella's body through the test but together we made it through the four months of morning sickness, the back pain, swollen feet and births.

Together we rocked the three, five and seven a.m. feedings, countless diaper changes and nightly 'witching hour'. Side-by-side we witnessed the first time they rolled over, cut their first tooth, spoke their first words and for Audrey, watched as she got her first set of stitches.

When the twins were just a few months old, Cullen Construction landed a major commercial job. It meant longer hours for me but the income was something we couldn't turn down. Not wanting a nanny to care for our daughters, Bella and I made the choice she would quit her job as a nurse to raise our girls.

Initially, I liked being the sole breadwinner of the family. It gave me a sense of real pride to be able to do that. Once, I'd thought I'd never amount to anything and there I was, providing for my family. They depended on me, something I'd never experienced before. Pretty sure I made my mom proud, at least I hope I did.

At the end of the day, I'd get to see my girls – all three of them. Bella would leave them with me and I'd get down on the floor and hang out with them while she made us dinner. Bath time was a family event and I'm still not sure who ended up more wet – the girls or us. At bedtime, we'd each take a sleepy baby girl and rock them until they were passed out cold. We probably held them longer than we should have but in my opinion, it was time well spent.

Admittedly, it wasn't always rainbows and kittens around our house. Life with kids can be difficult. They don't always afford you time to re-connect. Your house gets so over-run with toys and noise that you forget you were husband and wife before you became 'mommy' and 'daddy'.

Somewhere along the time, sex started playing second fiddle to an extra hour of sleep. Heck, who am I kidding? I'd pass up sex for an extra ten minutes of snooze time. And if we did have sex, it was a quickie while the kids were napping. But, for God's sake, we had to be quiet because if we woke them up before they'd had enough sleep there will be hell to pay. More often than not, jerking off in the shower is now the norm for me. I'm sure Bella's donkey or rabbit or whatever it's called gets some playtime while I'm at work. I should be jealous but mostly, I'm too tired to care.

There were times we'd fight but find me a couple that doesn't argue. I'd piss off Bella by not calling when I was going to be late. She'd annoy me by leaving her dirty socks on the floor. Minor shit that, in the grand scheme of things, really doesn't matter. What always mattered to us was our family nucleus. As long as we had that, we were golden. I felt like we could face anything together. Well, almost.

The one thing I can't face is my past. I've never told Bella any of the details – the bullying, prom, the buck teeth and glasses. She knows my father is gay and not in the picture and mom died when I was young and that was how I came to live with my brother. I don't want her knowing the intimate details of her death or anything pertaining to my old life. Quite simply, I don't want her to feel sorry for me. Truthfully, I wanted that part of my life to remain locked away in my box of sad memories and have enough good memories to never have to deal with them again. Whenever Bella would ask me questions about my past, I'd change the subject, brush it off or kiss her. Kissing always worked. And I guess one day, she stopped asking.

Still not sure when it happened, but Bella and I slipped more and more into the rolls of parents, not lovers. She spent the majority of her time being with her girls and I submerged myself in being a business owner. Really, I had no choice as we were in the middle of a recession. Thankfully, it didn't hurt us as much as other companies and I'd like to think that was largely due to the time and effort both Carlisle and I put into our jobs.

I think it was easier on my brother and his wife as they'd chosen not to have kids. When they got home after work, their time was their own. I was wearing so many hats and it was hard to juggle them all. I'd get home from work and step into dad-type guy but after the twins were in bed, I simply didn't have the energy to be a husband.

In hindsight, that should have been a priority, I realize that. But at the time, I was exhausted and couldn't bear the thought of having to do one more thing at the end of the day. Sadly, that included doing my wife.

Because I was spent at the end of the day, I encouraged Bella to follow a dream of hers to write a book. She picked up an evening writing class once a week at the local college and I made damn sure I got home in time for her to go to it. With her class came a whole on-line community I never knew existed. She started to devote time every day to writing and joined Facebook with her pen name; Twitter too.

The excitement when she'd write something she was proud of made me smile. I loved that she had something to do when I was working long hours. Friends to talk to and support her in something I didn't have knowledge of. Because she was happy, I was happy.

Once in a while, Carlisle and Esme would babysit and Bella and I would go out on a date. Going out to dinner with my beautiful wife on my arm made me smile. More than that, it made me miss our time together. Bella agreed and we vowed to make a better effort. And we would, for a while. After the girls were asleep, we'd keep the television off, sit with a glass of wine and talk about our day. Bella re-telling the antics of eighteen-month olds made us both chuckle.

For a little while after one of our dates, Bella and I were more conscious of sharing things. She'd send me pictures via text of the girls while I was at work. I'd call home whenever I had a spare minute. Sometimes she'd bring the girls to the office for lunch. Once in a blue moon, I'd stop and pick her up a bunch of flowers on the way home from work. I really should do that more.

The random acts of kindness sustained our relationship; brought us closer when we drifted apart. No matter what though, at the end of the night, we'd both crawl into bed, snuggle up close – usually me spooning her. Though we didn't exchange physical love, we were there emotionally and verbally for one another.

Over time, that changed. I can't pinpoint when that happened it just did. After the kids would go to bed, Bella would write while I'd watch TV, same as before. Except around eleven when I'd head up to bed she wouldn't follow. In the morning, I'd have a vague recollection of her coming to bed somewhere around two. She'd still cuddle up to me, her cold toes pressed against my bare calf. There were no 'I love you's' but I assumed the feelings were still there.

Then one day I woke up to a cruel reality.

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**Always sending my thanks to Lolo84 and Capricorn75 for all their help.  
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**A big thank you to all you lovely readers, and if you chose to leave a review, hugs and kisses!**

**See you next Monday but if you miss me before then, I'm on Twitter VanCanuckGrl**


	3. Chapter 3

**My Beta knows how much I fretted over posting a story that was not only so different from EA Masen, but also dealt with marital ****difficulties. Through reviews, I'm finding so many of you can relate. Thank you for not hating it (or me). Let's see how you feel after this...**

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**Chapter 3  
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Long days at work and night after night of living as strangers eventually took its toll. Bitterness crept into my heart where love once resided. It didn't happen overnight but my awareness of it was stark.

As I was getting up to shower before work, I looked over at Bella. She was sprawled on her stomach, hogging the blankets like she always did. One of her legs was out from the covers, her leg bare. I looked down at the chipped polish on her toes and remembered a time when they were always freshly painted. Weird that such a simple thing bothered me but it did. Bella's hair was a matted, tangled mess on the pillow. I stopped for a moment and stared down at her face.

Have you ever looked at someone you love and not recognized them? Worse, have you doubted the love you once shared? Time changes people, I get that, but so much so that you don't even know who they are anymore? Don't get me wrong, I still love Bella, I truly do. There was a time when she was my everything but I wasn't so sure if that were still the case – for either of us. I feel like every day we grow farther apart; every day brings new challenges.

I know it wasn't always like this but I was really struggling to remember a time when we were happy. It wasn't _that_ long ago was it? The crazy "let's-fuck-right-here-in-the-kitchen-because-we-can't-wait-another-second" delirium that we experienced in the beginning of our relationship was gone. That never lasts anyways, right? Full time work and kids diminish that initial spark. But until recently we were content – I don't know if I could still say that.

The night before Bella had come to bed early, though she brought her laptop with her. Truthfully, I was starting to hate her writing. She left me for a world that was filled with more happiness than we had. Hours were wasted writing and chatting with people who only existed in her imaginary world. I wasn't jealous, more like pissed off that she was forever choosing them over me.

As I was showering, it dawned on me how much Bella and I were more like roommates than husband and wife. Day after day, we each had our routine and, sadly, I didn't actually know what hers was. Me- I'd wake up, go to work, come home, deal with kids, watch TV, go to bed. When I was feeling wild, I'd masturbate before bed. Pretty sad.

Not to make excuses, but work for me has been insane. Carlisle and I have been extremely busy the last few months with a fast approaching deadline for a commercial job. I'm pulling ten, eleven, twelve-hour days. I leave the house at six a.m. when Bella and the twins are still sleeping, and I get home just in time for the little ones to go to bed.

When I get home, I'm spent. Emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. I understand being home with two year olds isn't easy, but I doubt it's as challenging as my job is. Sorry if that makes me sound like a chauvinistic jerk. I have to coordinate workers, juggle meetings, and document signings. Pretty sure that's a little more taxing than baking cookies and watching Sesame Street. No offense.

And you also have to realize that Bella made the choice to stay home with the girls. We could have easily hired a nanny to care for the twins but she wanted to be home. It was her choice. I don't begrudge her decision but what's frustrating to me is that she complains more about being home than she ever did about working with cranky patients. When I suggest she go back to work, she scoffs at that, telling me she's only venting. Sorry, but I have enough on my plate and I'm not sure I can handle much more. I want to leave the troubles at the office and come home to a smiling wife and happy kids. I want to come home and have someone take care of me a little, you know? My mom was a single, working parent and always greeted me with a smile and a hug. It's not that hard.

Lately, things between Bella and I have really gone sour. Though we put on a façade that we're a happy couple for the benefit of family and friends, we also put it on for ourselves. Being a witness to my own parents' fake relationship makes me worry about what's in store for us.

Sometimes we're okay. Maybe we don't laugh as much as we used to but we can be civil to one another. More often than not though, we fight - sometimes as soon as I get home from work. We've been doing that a lot lately. Married for six years, together for seven, you'd think we'd have our shit figured out by now.

I realize that in any marriage there are complications, hiccups, and speed bumps but I really feel like we are at a roadblock. A complete standstill. On railroad tracks about to be hit by a friggin' freight train. It's frustrating, scary, and most definitely heartbreaking.

Frowning at the woman I don't recognize lying in my bed, I playfully tickle the bottom of her foot. Bella retracted it under the covers, grunting something incoherent. Not that long ago my tickling her foot would have led to a quickie before work. Certainly not now.

I think I'm ready to admit Bella and I aren't doing well. The problem is, I have no idea how to talk to my wife about our problems. I wonder if I'm alone in my thinking or does she feel the same as me?

I leave for work, not only with a frown on my face, but also with a heaviness in my heart.

After an especially stressful day, I managed to sneak out of the office at a reasonable time. More accurately, I blew up at our secretary for something that wasn't her fault, made her cry, and Carlisle sent me home. I called Bella and told her I'd be home early, thinking we could have an early supper as a family. No idea when the last time that happened was.

My pissy mood was only exacerbated by two separate accidents clogging up my commute. And when I finally walked in the front door, the house was a pigsty and I almost lost it. Well, not almost. For starters, the living room looked like a bomb went off. Blankets made a fort of the dining room table that, in my opinion, should have been set for dinner. Pillows were strewn about the floor, teddy bears, pretend food, plastic plates and cups took over the couch. And a basket of unfolded laundry sat off to the side.

Avery and Audrey came running up to me, desperate for my attention. I would have loved to bestow it upon them but first the house needed to be picked up. Or should I wash the dirt off the girl's faces? Or fold the laundry? Perhaps make supper, because chances were that wasn't done either.

"Bella?" I picked up Avery, causing Audrey to shriek. "Bella!"

She finally emerged from the bathroom, hair in a ponytail and still in her pajamas. Really? It was five thirty.

"What?"

I gave her a look as if to say 'what the fuck have you done all day'.

"What the hell happened here?"

"Where?"

She looked around and apparently didn't see what I saw.

"Are you completely oblivious? There's a blanket where dinner should be and crap where I want to park my ass after a hard day at work."

I set Avery's feet on the ground and she immediately started to wail, louder than her sister if that were even possible. Great. Now both were hysterical sobbing, snotty messes. Loosening my tie, I yanked it off along with my suit jacket. I made a bigger production than necessary of hanging it up neatly on the coat hook, proving a point that it wasn't difficult to tidy things up as you went along.

"Sorry, we had one of those days."

"Apparently."

"Please don't, Edward."

"'Don't Edward' what?"

"Pick a fight with me."

"Don't worry I won't. I'm too busy picking up these toys and crap."

I grabbed the basket where we kept the play food and started cleaning up. Bella worked along side me while the girls tugged at my legs. I couldn't understand why she hadn't taken the forty-odd seconds it took us to clean up the mess before I got home.

"And by the way, this isn't crap. The girls wanted a teddy-bear picnic."

"And the fort on my dining room table?"

"The teddy bear's home."

"Obviously." I took the blanket off the table and folded it up, much to the twin's displeasure. "Sorry, girls, time for dinner. What are we having?"

Bella shrugged. "I have no idea. Haven't thought about it."

Great, just fucking great. I stormed into the kitchen and yanked open the fridge. I hoped that staring at the contents would inspire me to make something. Instead I grabbed a beer and cracked it open, taking a long sip.

"Nice supper."

Though she smiled at me, there was an underlying tone I didn't appreciate.

"Now who's starting something?"

"I was only teasing. Relax."

"I'd love to relax, but coming home to a disaster isn't very relaxing."

"It's pretty much cleaned up already."

"That's not the point."

"I'll make us some mac and cheese for dinner. Can you pass the milk and butter?"

"Cheese!" Both girls started chanting excitedly at the prospect of the vile meal that was proposed.

"No, thanks. I'll have a sandwich. You bought bread, right?" I rummaged around in the fridge for some.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't make it to the store today."

I cursed loudly as I slammed the fridge shut.

"For fuck's sake. Did you do anything today?"

Bella had the audacity to snap back at me.

"Sorry, I was busy raising your children today."

I rolled my eyes.

"Wow, good for you. I managed to land another job today. You know, one that's going to bring in the money, put food on our table. Not bread, mind you, because my wife forgot to buy it."

"Don't raise your voice, Edward. You're going to make the kids cry."

"Right, because they never cry. Fuck it! I'll be upstairs."

I stomped up the stairs, picking up toys, hair pretties, and more teddy bears on my way up. Avery and Audrey's room was also a disaster area so I tossed the items on the dresser and went to the sanctity of my room.

Good lord, was it so hard to make the bed in the morning? For my own sanity, I had to at least have my room in order so I took two minutes and made the bed. It took so little effort I was left wondering why Bella hadn't done it as soon as she rolled out of bed.

I figured a shower might help my mood so I undressed and stepped in. Dropping my chin to my chest, hands on the wall in front of me, I let the water massage the tense muscles of my neck and shoulders. I hated snapping at Bella, and essentially the twins as well. I'd had a bad day and all I wanted was someone to take care of me for a change. This makes me sound like such a momma's boy, but right then, I really missed my mom. She always took good care of me.

Lathering up, I kept thinking about Bella. I don't think she understood was how much work went into landing a job. Cullen Construction was ranked in the top five in the Pacific Northwest, but that certainly didn't come without a lot blood, sweat, and tears on my part.

When I came home, I wanted some normalcy- not chaos. Was it too much to ask for a hot meal on the table when I arrived home? My mom worked and managed that. Couldn't I come home to little girls who had clean faces and a wife who took some pride in her appearance? For some God damned bread in the fridge in case I wanted a ham sandwich?

Honestly, I had no idea what Bella did all day. Today it certainly wasn't laundry or cooking and definitely not cleaning but I bet there was time for writing, Facebook, and Twitter. I highly doubted that teddy-bear picnics and building forts took a lot of effort so why not at least contemplate dinner?

Speaking of effort, could Bella not find ten minutes in the day to put on some make up, brush her hair and get dressed? There was a time when the bra-less look would have aroused me, but seeing it while she was still lounging around in her pajama pants and white tank top splattered with breakfast stains and God knows what else, didn't have the same effect.

I was so frustrated – sexually and otherwise. When was the last time we'd had sex anyway? I wracked my brain trying to remember. Today was Friday. Last night I'd had a late meeting, Wednesday night Bella had gone to her 'writing' class. I used quotes because she didn't really do anything with her writing. It was more of an excuse to get on her laptop and ignore me at night. Tuesday…what happened Tuesday? Right, Avery was up with a fever. So that left Monday. We'd last had sex on Monday. And it had been a quickie; wham, bam, thank you ma'am.

Really, I shouldn't complain because sex is sex. But there's a huge difference between getting your rocks off and reconnecting with your spouse. Honestly, I have no idea if Bella even had an orgasm during that round on Monday night. I should know that; I should care. I didn't. In fact, I was perfectly fine with jerking off, which I was in the middle of, by the way.

It was probably an hour or more later when I left our room – feeling marginally better. I heard the girls happily squealing and splashing around in the tub and poked my head into the bathroom. The site made me smile. Bella was on her knees bending over the tub; her tank top had ridden up and her pants were so low her ass crack was showing. My wife may be the only woman alive who makes a plumber butt cute. She was making a Barbie fly through the air, much to the girls delight. Avery spotted me first and pointed.

"Daddy!"

Smiling, I sat down on the toilet seat and watched them play. Avery looked exactly like Bella with her big, expressive brown eyes and dark hair, though there wasn't much of it. Audrey, on the other hand was full on Cullen. Blazing green eyes, reddish/brown hair with a mind of its own. That wasn't all she got from my side of the family – her temper was all me, that's for sure. Like her dear old dad, Audrey was happy until she wasn't and then, not so pretty.

"Do you want to finish up here or clean up the kitchen?" Bella's voice was flat as she asked and she didn't turn to look at me.

Now there was a catch twenty-two.

Washing two year old bodies is one thing, tackling their hair is another. Then there was the joy of wrangling damp little bodies into pajamas. Was that better or worse than cleaning up the kitchen? The girls weren't exactly skilled in using utensils so the carnage from the mac and cheese episode was more than likely extensive.

"You sure make it hard for a guy." I was teasing but Bella answered with snark.

"I'm sure you took care of that yourself in the shower."

I sighed. "I'll take over here."

"Fine."

You and I both know that it most certainly wasn't fine but I let her go. I played with the girls for a few minutes then announced the dreaded chore of hair washing. Avery screamed. Audrey tried to clamber out of the tub. Both threw toys at my head. I persevered and managed to get the job done, mostly. There were still remnants of soap in their hair but I was worried the neighbors were going to call 9-1-1 from all the screaming that was happening. It's truly amazing how much noise can come from such little humans.

The next battle was brushing teeth. I should have chosen kitchen duty. Seriously.

When that was all said and done, we snuggled on the chair in their room for stories (six of them) and then I got them tucked into bed. Avery was the good one at bedtime, usually falling right to sleep. Audrey needed me to lay down with her. I didn't mind - it was nice to snuggle with her. The problem was I always wound up falling asleep and tonight was no exception. I disentangled myself from her limbs and made my way downstairs.

Bella was on the couch, laptop within reach; I rolled my eyes. She barely glanced up as I walked in the room.

"Nice hair."

I ran my fingers through it. "That's what happens when you fall asleep with it wet."

"Uh huh."

There was a time when she would have teased that my hair did that on its own accord; it had nothing to do with falling asleep with wet hair. Not that long ago, she couldn't resist 'the hair' as she affectionately called it. She would have beckoned me over to the couch, threaded her fingers in my locks and things would progress from there. In a good way.

Tonight, her lack of response told me the conversation over.

I made my way into the kitchen and got myself a bowl of Cheerios and milk for dinner. Sitting at the table, I ate alone. When I was done, I put my dishes away then went back into the living room with a beer in hand. Bella hadn't moved. I sat down on the opposite end of the couch and flipped the television on. Finding an old James Bond flick, I tossed the remote aside, propped my feet up on the coffee table and cracked open my beer.

"Really? James Bond?"

"You're staring at your screen so I'll stare at mine."

"I'm only staring at mine because you make crappy TV choices."

"That's not true, you were on that before I even came in."

"Because you took forever with bedtime."

I scrubbed my hand over my face. I really didn't want to fight. Sadly, it just seemed to come naturally to us lately.

"I only get a few minutes with the girls each night, so sorry if I took longer snuggling them."

"You could have had time with them over dinner but you chose to jerk off instead."

"Someone has to jerk me off, it certainly isn't you."

"It's mutual, buddy."

Apparently, she hadn't had an orgasm on Monday night.

"Wanna go?" I jutted my chin at her. "Both girls are asleep. I'm confident I can get us both off."

For the record, I was kidding. Bella didn't find it amusing.

"No thanks, I have the Rabbit. That reminds me, I should pick up some batteries."

"Perfect, an excuse for you to leave the house. While you're picking up the double A's for your vibe, can you get me some bread? Thanks."

Bella growled and shut the lid of her laptop.

"So that's what gets you to turn off your computer. Noted."

"For your information, I was working on my assignment."

"Right, for your class that's not graded and doesn't count in any way, shape, or form."

It was a low blow, I know, but my jealousy reared its head.

"Thanks for completely discrediting something that you know means a lot to me." She mumbled something afterwards that I couldn't make out.

"Pardon me?"

"You heard me."

"No, I didn't. Usually when a person says 'pardon me' it means they didn't hear you and would like to know what you said."

"I called you an asshole."

"Niiice."

Bella shrugged and announced she was going to bed.

"It's nine o'clock on a Friday night."

"Yeah, so?"

"Back in the day, we'd have been out at a club until three, four o'clock in the morning. Getting drunk; coming home and having wild, crazy sex."

"That was a lifetime ago."

I snorted. "Certainly feels like it, doesn't it?"

That wasn't meant as a dig, it really did feel like a lifetime ago.

"I'm tired, Edward. I had a long day."

"I can see how teddy bear picnics would tire a girl out. At least you're still in your pajamas. That'll make getting ready for bed easier."

"Fuck off."

"Fuck on, sweetheart, you get better results."

With those pleasant closing words between us, Bella stormed out of the room. I noted she took her laptop with her. She'd probably be on Facebook bitching about me to her friends. Not real friends, though- her made up ones.

I stayed up until two in the morning, watching a bunch of old flicks and finishing a six-pack of beer. Making sure the house was secure I climbed the steps upstairs and crept into the girls' room. Avery was curled up on her side, thumb in her mouth. I kissed her head and whispered that I loved her.

On the other side of the room, Audrey had kicked off all her blankets. Her arms and legs were spread wide taking up the entire space. I covered her up, murmured that I loved her as I kissed her cheek. Closing their door, I walked down the hall to my bedroom. It almost felt like I was walking the plank. How sad was that?

As I expected, Bella was asleep, or more likely, pretending to be. She'd had a shower before bed, her hair looked so dark when it was damp. It was spread on the pillow, drying with a bit of a curl to it. She'd worn it long, loose, and curly the night we'd met, and I smiled at the memory. I resisted the urge to lay my hand on her head, in hopes of reconnecting with her.

Instead, I undressed down to my boxer briefs and climbed into bed. It felt cold and uninviting despite the fact that it was already inhabited. I faced the wall, my back to hers, not even our feet touching. Completely separated.

Is this what my life had come to? I felt as empty as the space between us.

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**Lolo84 and Capricorn75 - I love you both and thank you for all your help.  
**

**Thank YOU for reading (and hopefully leaving me a review). **

**Next Monday, Bella has a voice. I hope you'll tune in.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Though many of you were upset with Edward last chapter, ****you could also relate to the marital problems he discussed. Thank you for reviewing - sometimes it's nice to know you aren't alone. Now we hear from Bella.**

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**Chapter 4**

In life there are ups and downs. Sometimes it's hard to believe everything happens for a reason. I learned that lesson after my boyfriend of three years broke up with me. If I'm honest with myself, I knew I wasn't going to marry Tyler but the breakup still hurt. I wanted what every little girl wants – to fall head over heels in love with some amazing guy who would take care of me and love me to death. Little did I know that dream would soon become my reality, just not with Tyler.

It all started on my 21st birthday, when my college friends coerced me into going to a club. I didn't want to go, for two reasons. One, I wasn't coordinated enough to dance and two, I just wanted to stay home and wallow in the misery of my recent breakup. My friends wouldn't hear of it. So I reluctantly threw on a halter dress and some killer shoes, which would serve to be my excuse for not dancing. I took a cab to the club and waited outside by the VIP line as instructed.

Victoria cancelled at the last minute, Leah got sick, Lauren got a better offer, and Bree was stuck at work. There I stood at the club entrance with Bree's newest boyfriend, Edward. I felt so awkward, because he was really hot and I couldn't stop staring. He was dressed to kill in charcoal grey dress pants and a light blue button down shirt. I literally wanted to rip the buttons open and lick his chest. Obviously I didn't have a chance with him and not only because he was dating my friend, but also because he was way out of my league.

Edward's brother worked as a bouncer and let us in ahead of all the other people in line. We grabbed a couple of seats at the bar and he insisted on buying me my first legal drink while we waited. Turns out we couldn't easily talk due to the volume of the music, so we turned to drinking to fill the time. One drink turned into several while we sat by the bar. The more liquor I had, the harder it was for me not to flirt. When Bree texted that she had a work crisis and wouldn't be able to make it, Edward said something that sounded like 'fuck it' before he downed a shot of tequila.

When he asked me to dance, I said yes; the alcohol making me forget all about my six-inch heels. Truthfully, I couldn't resist him. Even without the alcohol coursing through my veins I couldn't deny the connection between us. We danced, our bodies close together, his thigh wedged between my legs to hit the perfect spot in time with the fast and steady beat. I wanted to turn him on like he did me so I pressed my breasts to his chest, grinded my hips against him; then trailed my hands lower and grabbed his ass.

Before we left the club he'd made me his.

The next day we had to face Bree. Edward was unbelievably apologetic, much more so than I was, saying over and over again he would never intentionally hurt anyone. Bree took it well, even reassuring Edward that we looked cute together. In any case, she was dating someone else the following week. Last I heard she was happily married so I guess things turned out how they were supposed to.

Edward's and my romance progressed like a whirlwind. Right from the start he was very intense and first told me he loved me after dating less than six weeks. I was reassured I didn't need to reciprocate because he didn't need to hear the words from me to define his love. If I wasn't already in love, those words would've made me fall head over heels.

We married at City Hall after dating for a year, with his brother and his wife at our sides. I would have loved to have my mom there but I couldn't get a hold of her. That wasn't anything unusual, as she was always drifting in and out of my life. As for my father, Mom has no idea who that may be; though at one point she did narrow it down to four or five guys.

Soon after we were married, we talked about having kids. Edward told me that he wanted to be the best dad ever, since his dad wasn't around for him. Not having a father myself, hearing him say that brought tears to my eyes. I had no doubt he'd be the best dad one day – and he is, honestly. He is.

There are many things my husband does well, and being cryptic is one of them. Edward never speaks of any childhood friends or acquaintances. I hardly believe he didn't have any - he's so personable and confident in social settings. He's just a private person, I guess.

Generally speaking though, Edward's always been very evasive about his childhood. I know his parents divorced when he was a teen. Being that Carlisle is about ten years older, I've figured out it was just Edward and his mom in the house. When she passed away unexpectedly, Edward was still in or had just finished high school and he went to live with his brother and sister-in-law. Obviously, I know he misses his mom and I know they were very close but again, he only occasionally mentions her.

And his father? He rarely speaks of or to him. I know he really hasn't been a part of his life since he left for Florida when Edward was fourteen or so. I don't know if that's because of the sheer distance between them or because of his dad's sexual orientation but either way, there's some definite bitterness there. In any case, their relationship has always been limited. In fact, I've never even met the man.

I used to ask Edward questions about his parents and family life in general but he always brushed them off. He'd smile and tell me I was his family now or that his life didn't start until he met me. Melt my heart, why don't you! I had always been content with that answer but sometimes I wondered why he doesn't tell me more. Was he hiding something? Didn't he trust me? What? Even though throughout our relationship Edward was very tight-lipped about his past, I was fairly certain he wasn't a serial killer. He's too cute to be one.

One thing I knew for sure- he was kick ass in bed. Prior to dating Edward, I was hardly well-versed in sex. Tyler was my one and only sexual partner but I wasn't totally innocent before him – the others just didn't make it to home base. Tyler wasn't bad in bed, let me make that clear. In fact he was quite skilled. It's just that Edward was far more attentive. He was passionate like no other - like I said - he's intense. Even when we kissed, he took his time, savored the moment. Almost like he wanted every kiss to feel like his first. I didn't mind and always appreciated that about him.

And then we had kids.

Things changed. Making love before bed turned into cuddles, then into a hug and then, well, nothing more than a polite 'goodnight'. Sex after kids was basically non-existent. Sure, we did it just the other day but it was a quickie and I didn't even have an orgasm. And I don't need one to feel close to him, but the attentiveness he'd once shown me wasn't there and _that's_ what I was hoping for. Desperate for.

Like I said, it started after we had kids. More specifically, it happened after we decided I should quit my job as a nurse to raise our daughters. Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful that Edward's and Carlisle's company has done well enough to allow me to stay home. But sometimes, I don't know. It's not that I regret it but I do hate that I almost feel like Edward sees me as inferior or something because I'm 'just home with the girls' while he's out making money.

Worst of all, never once did I think the decision to be a stay at home mom meant I was choosing the girls over him. And I sure as hell never figured it meant I could lose my husband over it. I thought I could have them both but I'm starting to think I was wrong.

It was nice in the beginning, being home with the twins. Edward would walk in the door after work asking for hugs from his girls. That always made me smile – that he still thought of me as his girl though it was obvious he was completely smitten with our daughters. Then Cullen Construction landed a really big commercial job that took up more of his time. When that job ended, they picked up another. Obviously I'm thankful things are going so well, but also frustrated because it takes him away from us that much more. Edward has started coming home later and later and unfortunately, he often walks in when I'm at my wits end. Being with kids all day is harder than I thought.

There are days my heart feels like it may explode from the love I have for my children. They will call for me in harmony from their room and I smile at their sweet little two-year old voices. The days when they call me 'pretty mommy' even though I'm in sweats and without makeup make my heart happy. I love the moments the three of us snuggle on the couch with a book or grab a nap together in the afternoon.

And there are days when I am counting down the minutes until bedtime. Times when I hear 'Mommy!' five hundred times in the span of an hour in a tone that grates on my last nerve. Fights, whines, tantrums, and meltdowns by the dozen all before ten a.m. I've put the girls in time out and 'forgotten' to get them out until they call for me just so I can have an extra minute to myself.

Sadly, sometimes the highlight of my day is dribbles of pee in a potty. Lately, I've literally spent half my day bribing or begging for urine and feces. I jump up and down excitedly looking like a complete moron; feeling like an idiot. Any success is monumental because I know there are several failures lurking.

There are times when the girls are napping that I want to sit down with a cup of tea. Maybe catch my breath or simply be quiet for a minute, enjoy the fact that in that moment no one needs me. Unfortunately, there's always work to be done. Laundry, dishes, messes to tidy, you know how it goes. After a day like today, I wanted to sit down and cry because it had been such a shitty one.

I feel like Edward's job has definite start and finish times while mine is never ending. When the girls wake up in the middle of the night, they don't call for Daddy – not that he would hear them anyway. On the rare occasion he does get up, he'll come right back to bed and say 'they want you' or 'it's time they should learn to cry it out'. That frustrates me because he could soothe them, he just chooses not to. Why is it always the mommy's job? I feel like I take care of the girls, the house, and my husband. Who takes care of me?

When I do voice my complaints about my day to Edward, he offers a solution rather than his ear. "Go back to work if you hate it so much." That's his standard line. It's not that I 'hate it so much', but I do get frustrated. It's not easy being home with little people all day. I wish he'd get that. It feels like I'm not allowed to complain to him about my day because I'm 'privileged' to be a stay at home mom. A 'luxury' we can afford because of his job. And why aren't we called 'work at home' mom's, anyway? I certainly do my fair share around the house.

Plain and simple, today sucked. The girls were in fine form from the minute they woke up. Finally, I lost my cool and raised my voice at them (and by that I mean I yelled), which only served to make them cry harder and I was left feeling like the worst mom in the world. More than that, I felt completely alone. There's no way Edward could understand how that feels because he always has people around him – adults to talk to. And he's the boss – people listen to him. Sometimes I feel like the girls boss me around all day and I'm at their mercy.

In any case, it was one of those days where I didn't even get ten minutes alone to get dressed. Even when I went to pee, the kids were pounding on the bathroom door needing me for some reason or another. A day when I was absolutely done with taking care of someone else's needs – even my children's. All I wanted was someone, _anyone_ at that point, to take care of me for a change. Was that too much to ask?

I was about to pick up the house before Edward came home from work – I know he hates walking into chaos, as he calls it. Before I could, two little girls ran past me chanting 'uh oh' and you know that's never good. Turns out Barbie wanted to go for a swim…in the toilet. She didn't survive. The kids are lucky they did.

As I emerged from the bathroom, Edward walked in. He didn't even give me the opportunity to tell him about my day before barking at me about the mess. I offered to make him dinner but that wasn't good enough and he sulked upstairs leaving me with the cranky duo for dinner and bath time.

Know what I had envisioned for our evening together while I was saving stupid Barbie? Edward coming home and, after seeing the chaos, he took it upon himself to order something in. After dinner, he'd offer to put the kids to bed while I had a bubble bath. Then we'd open a bottle of wine and cuddle on the couch and enjoy our evening.

Instead we fought. Again. It's what always happens lately and I really fucking hated it. And I was bitter that Edward couldn't see past the mess to see me, frazzled and at the end of my rope, needing my prince to save me.

When I thought we could finally talk about our day, he plopped himself down on the couch with a beer and a show that I knew he'd be engrossed in. He didn't even bother to ask about my day, which showed me how much he cared.

After our second argument within a few short hours I took my laptop to the bedroom, needing to vent to one of my online friends – another bone of contention between us. You see, not only did Edward not consider people I'd only met in cyber space to be real, I was sure he thought less of me because of my 'imaginary' friends. Funny, because he was the one who initially encouraged me to take up writing and make those friendships. He had no idea the real connection I felt toward those woman; I wish he did. Sometimes they understood me better than he did. That's sad, don't you think?

When I heard Edward coming down the hall hours later, I pretended to be asleep because I couldn't bear the thought of another argument. The reality - I wouldn't be sleeping anytime soon. When he started lightly snoring beside me, I got up. Locking myself in the bathroom down the hall, I slid down the closed door to a heap on the floor. Only then did I cry. The kind of crying where the tears and snot are running down your face and you can't control it. I cried until all that was left was the hiccupping and emptiness.

At three in the morning, sitting on the cold tile in a tee shirt and underwear, I felt sick to my stomach. Not only was I losing my husband, but my best friend as well. The fairy tale was ending. I was alone, utterly alone, and I hated it. And Edward didn't have a fucking clue what that felt like.

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**My thanks go out to my pre-reader Lolo84 and my beta Capricorn 75 for all their help.**

**Thank you for reading and (hopefully) reviewing. I'm sure many of you can identify with Bella.  
**

**I'm on Facebook: Vancouver CanuckGirl and Twitter: VanCanuckGrl**

**See you on Monday.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you for all the reviews last chapter. Once upon a time, I felt like Bella; it's a lonely place to be. Many thanks to Lolo84 and Capricorn75 for their pre-reading and beta help. Much love, girls. **

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**Chapter 5**

Bella and I both heard Audrey crying sometime around four thirty in the morning. It was a battle of wills between us over who would cave first and console her. Although I won, really I lost. Bella made a huge production of getting out of bed, huffing as she pulled the covers off both of us when she got up. She flipped the light on to find her robe and conveniently left it like that when she went to get our daughter. Since I was 'sound asleep' I had to pretend I didn't notice the glaring light. The end result - we both lost precious sleep.

Two hours later, both girls were wide-awake and raring to go. Fair's fair, even in love and war, so I got up with them. Lucky me, Audrey had a diaper explosion and the stench hit me before I even entered their room. That's called karma for feigning being asleep. She needed a bath and I cursed at the mere thought...and wouldn't you know it, Audrey copied me.

"Fuck."

A second little voice sounded behind me.

"Fuck."

Oh God, no. Bella was going to kick my ass. Mind you, if she never found out, I was fine, right?

"Sshhhh!" I put my fingers to my lips as both girls mimicked me.

"Sshhhh!"

"Good girls!" I praised and they repeated with giggles.

After baths, I got the girls dressed and carried them down the stairs. Bella joined us at the breakfast table dressed in jeans and a tee shirt, her face free of makeup, and her hair in loose waves. Though she should have had enough sleep, she looked exhausted.

"You look tired."

"Is that your way of telling me I look like crap?"

What?

"No! That's not what I meant. You look tired is all. Did you not sleep well?"

"Well, one of us got up in the middle of the night with Audrey." Her eyebrow went up in accusation.

"Did she wake up last night? I didn't hear a thing."

Right then Avery dropped her plate of Eggo waffles onto the floor and her sippy cup of milk followed. The lid popped off and liquid splattered the floor and up the cabinet. In her sweet, innocent baby voice she dropped the F-bomb. And of course, Audrey parroted her.

"Fuck!"

"Fuck!"

I sheepishly looked at Bella and she glared at me.

"Nice work, Daddy."

I shrugged.

"At least they used it in the correct context. That's something to be proud of, right?"

The look told me it wasn't.

I wiped a cloth over both Audrey and Avery's hands then faces and told them they could go play in the living room and set about cleaning up the kitchen.

"You remember Carlisle and Esme are coming over later?"

"Why?"

"For a visit. Does it matter?"

Bella gave a dramatic sigh. "I'm not really in the mood for company."

"You haven't been in the mood for much lately."

I didn't mean that negatively rather pointing out the obvious unhappiness she was experiencing. Correction, we were experiencing. Bella didn't take it that way.

"It always comes down to sex for you, doesn't it?"

"Did I say that?"

I was annoyed and frustrated because I didn't want to fight but our problems weren't about sex. It was so much bigger than that. Could Bella really not see?

"No, you didn't say that but you didn't need to. You implied it."

"You always say you never get any adult interaction...now tonight's your opportunity but you don't want it."

"It's not that, Edward. I don't want to have to pretend that we're fine. We both know we're not."

Sighing, I sat down in the chair opposite her. I could hear the girls playing nicely in the next room so I thought I'd attempt a real heart-to-heart conversation with my wife.

"I don't want to fight with you all the time."

Bella's eyes remained downcast when she answered me. "I don't either."

"I hate feeling so…discontent all the time."

I figured 'discontent' was nicer than me saying I was totally unhappy and miserable in our marriage.

"It fucking sucks. Am I alone here? I don't think I am, but …"

I saw a tear slip down Bella's cheek as I spoke the truth. It made me sad but it also made me realize she knew what I was talking about and could, hopefully, relate. As more tears stained her cheeks, I desperately wanted to reach out and hold her hands but she had them wrapped around her coffee cup. Her eyes stared into the mug as though she was hoping to find the answers to our troubles in the murky water. If only it were that easy.

After a few moments of contemplation, she spoke.

"Maybe we should, I don't know, see someone, you know? Like a marriage counselor? My friend Rachel said—"

"Is she one of your friends?" I used air quotes around 'friend' and was met with an eye roll.

"Yes, one of my on-line friends. She—"

"You told your fake friend Rachel about us? That's fucking great. I love that virtual strangers know about our marriage problems." I rolled my eyes back at her and shook my head. Bella knew I was a private person and I didn't like her airing our dirty laundry, so to speak.

"She's not a virtual stranger – I've been friends with her for years."

"On-line friends don't count, Bella."

"They count to me."

I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. It bugged the hell out of me that she felt more comfortable taking to them than to me. It was a debate we'd had countless times before and not one I wished to rehash right then. There were more important things to discuss, like how or if we could save our marriage. Before we could continue, there was a crash and screams from the living room.

We both ran in to find little feet sticking out of the toy box. There was a time when we would have found that funny, as mean as that is, but it felt like everything was sobering now.

I helped Audrey out, holding her close, shushing her with words and kisses. Scared for her sister, Avery clung onto Bella and she did the same to calm her down. How I wished it was Bella in my arms that I was comforting. That it was her face I was kissing tears off of.

It took a while but eventually the duo was happy, albeit extra clingy. Bella and I settled onto the couch and watched four back-to-back episodes of The Backyardigans – their favorite show. The things you do for your kids. And then I realized I would do that a hundred times over, and so much more, for my wife and marriage.

I took a chance and reached over to hold Bella's hand. She flinched at the contact so I quickly apologized but she grabbed hold before I could pull back. Our fingers threaded together perfectly. It felt familiar and full of promise. Maybe there was hope for us?

"Can we talk more later?" Although I asked her quietly, Avery shushed me, putting her index finger against my lips.

Bella nodded. "I'd like that. Thank you."

"Shhhhh!"

Part way through the show, Audrey made an announcement.

"Mommy cry."

My girls and I all turned toward Bella. She frowned, trying to blink away the tears but I knew those tears were for us – for me and her. For our marriage. It made my own eyes water which, of course, wasn't missed by the girls.

"Daddy cry."

Then came the question that's in every two year olds repertoire.

"Why?"

I left it up to Bella to find an answer that was age appropriate.

"Because Mommy and Daddy are sad."

"Why?"

Three pairs of eyes turned toward me. The most important ones – Bella's – locked on mine, almost pleading for an answer.

"Sometimes moms and dads are sad."

"Daddy fix?"

Such a simple request with a complicated answer.

"I'll find a way to make it better, baby girl." I pressed my lips to Audrey's forehead reassuring her as much as myself.

"Promise?" Bella's eyes locked on mine as she asked. I looked down at her left hand, my fingers toying with the ring I'd slipped on her finger so many years before. That piece of platinum was my promise and I had no plans to renege. I gave her hand a squeeze and nodded.

Later that night when Carlisle and Esme were over, we spent the evening playing cards. Bella and I joked, laughed, and pretended things were fine. Carlisle knew the truth; I'd confided in him a little before. He didn't seem concerned, assuring me all married couples fought – including him and Esme, which I found hard to believe. I'd only ever seen her soft-spoken and sweet. My brother had balked at my statement, telling me she could be a tiger – in the bedroom _and_ during an argument.

Even though it was our personal game of charades, I enjoyed the pretense of being happily married, even for a few hours. If only there were some way to fake it continually, sweep the shit under the rug and continue on our way to happiness.

In bed that night, the air of awkwardness crept back in between Bella and I. It almost felt like we were strangers; I fucking hated it. We both lay on our sides, this time facing each other. In the darkness I couldn't tell if she was still awake or not but I could feel her breath, minty from the toothpaste, on my face.

Once my eyes adjusted, I could make out her features and realized her eyes were closed, lashes dark against her cheeks. Her breathing was slow and rhythmic. I closed my eyes and timed my own breaths to hers.

"You awake?" Bella asked quietly so she wouldn't disturb me if I was sleeping.

"Yes."

"Did you mean that? What you said about wanting to fix us?"

"I promised, didn't I? And on our wedding day, when I put that ring onto your finger and told you I'd love you forever, I meant that shit."

Bella was quiet. For a moment I thought she'd gone to sleep then I heard sniffling, a telltale sign she was crying.

"Why are you crying?"

"I feel so alone."

"I'm right here." I placed my hand against her cheek, feeling the wetness there. Bella leaned into my touch and I pressed my lips to her forehead. My gesture only served to make her cry harder. I let her. My own tears threatened to spill but I fought them back and swallowed the lump in my throat.

"I'm sorry the house was a mess and dinner wasn't ready yesterday. I had such a shitty day. I was barely holding myself together."

"What happened?"

"You really want to hear?"

"Why would you ask that?"

I felt her shrug.

Was I so wrapped up in my own world that I couldn't stop for five minutes and ask about her day once in a while?

"Bella, I'm sorry. Please tell me about your day yesterday."

In the darkness I heard about the failure known as potty training. Six accidents – and that was Avery. Audrey's personal motto is go big or go home, so she far surpassed that. Someone– perhaps me –left a pen within reach of the little people and Bella spent hours scrubbing the kitchen cabinets and floor of ink marks. There were also two epic tantrums over lunch.

And that all happened before their afternoon nap, which was a bust because for some unknown reason the house alarm was triggered. It only went off for a minute but the girls woke up and had been in fine form for the rest of the afternoon. Avery bit Audrey – another first, but one we wouldn't be putting in the baby book. Audrey clocked Avery over the head with the TV remote. Both girls had monumental meltdowns over various silly things like who got to wash their hands first. There was an unfortunate incident involving putting cheese on the heat register. To top it off, Barbie took a swim in the downstairs toilet right as I walked in the door.

"Wow, I had no idea." I wanted to ask why she didn't just put the TV on to give herself five minutes of peace but refrained.

"There's probably more but I've blocked them out."

I chuckled. "That's probably a good thing."

"How was your day? I know the deadline's approaching. Next week, right?"

"Yeah, next Friday. I have no idea if we'll finish on time. There were problems with shipping some products, which put us behind. That'll cost us a pretty penny if we don't get it done on time."

"Then how come you got off work early yesterday?"

She knew me well. With all the work that had to be done, there was no way I would have left voluntarily.

"I sort of yelled at our secretary for something that wasn't her fault. After I threw a stapler at the wall in the office, Carlisle sent me home."

"I think we both know where Audrey got her temper."

"Very funny. Then I sat in traffic with morons trying to cut me off and walked into the aftermath of your day."

"We both could have used a hug."

"Totally." I smiled into the darkness because we finally seemed to be on the same page.

"It's nice to talk to you again." Bella's thumb rubbed circles on my hand as we talked.

"Sorry it took a fight to get us to talk."

"We've been fighting a lot lately, Edward. I don't know if one talk fixes everything, though."

"What do you mean? This was great and I think it was exactly what we needed." I couldn't remember the last time we'd had a heart-to-heart civilized conversation. Us talking was really refreshing. I let myself feel optimistic.

"But we haven't been good for a while, Edward."

"Yeah, but this was a start, don't you think?"

"I still feel like we should see someone."

I groaned my displeasure. "I don't want to talk to a stranger about our problems, Bella. It weirds me out. I think we need a good old fashioned fuck to set us on the right track."

In the darkness I reached for her, grabbing her boob suggestively.

"Edward!"

"What? Thought you'd want a little foreplay but if you want to get right down to it, that's fine." I was already wriggling out of my shorts. Men are physical- and I, for one -needed the physical intimacy that was missing from our relationship. Maybe that's a backwards way to look at it but it's how we, as in men, work.

"Groping a boob is not foreplay. Never was; never will be."

"I beg to differ, sweetheart. There was a time when that's all it would take."

"I'm trying to be serious, here."

"So am I."

"God! You don't get it, do you?"

Bella rolled over, taking the covers with her.

"Are you fucking kidding me? We just had this great talk where I thought we understood each other better and, dare I say, we actually reconnected. And what better way to reconnect than by having sex? And now you're going to roll over and deny me? Unbelievable."

"Do you want me to lay here, spread my legs, and give it up for you?"

"Preferably." I thought that was said in my head but it wasn't. I was an idiot.

"You're such an idiot."

Confirmation didn't make me feel better.

"Well, if I had my choice of fighting or sex, what do you think I'm going to choose?"

"This is exactly what I'm talking about. We take one step forward and two steps back. You really don't think we should see someone about this? Are you not the least bit concerned about our marriage? Have you already given up?"

And that was when I lost my shit.

"Of course I'm concerned about our marriage. Don't make me out to be the bad guy here, Bella. I'm willing to work on our relationship – together. We just need time to talk – you and me – not with some shrink. Besides, do you think I want to be a divorced dad before I'm thirty? Come on. I'm scared that I'm losing you, and losing myself in the process. Do you know I haven't slept in weeks, worrying about us? But I feel like I'm always stepping on eggshells around you. It's bad enough I have a fuck-ton of shit to deal with at work and when I come home I don't get the support I fucking need from you."

I saw her flinch at my words and open her mouth to interrupt but I continued before she could. Honestly, I'd heard enough from her.

"I don't want my kids to grow up in a divorced family like I did, and I certainly don't want to be alone again. But I also can't see how us fighting all the time is good for Avery and Audrey. They may only be two years old but the girls understand a lot more than we think. So, fuck off with your bullshit about me not being concerned about our marriage; telling me that I'm giving up! It's _all _I fucking think about!"

After my tirade I grabbed my pillow and the extra blanket from the end of the bed.

"Where are you going?"

"Where do you think? I'm going to sleep in the guest room tonight."

"Edward—"

I left before she could say anything else, wishing I could slam the door to make my point. Unfortunately that would wake the girls and I wasn't in the mood to deal with them.

Situated in the guest room, I felt like shit. I wished I could take back some of what I'd said, and the boob grab as well. Things had never been so hard for us before. Why was this happening to us? We still loved each other, didn't we? God, I hoped so. How were we going to fix something that felt so broken?

My mind wouldn't let me sleep as I pondered those questions. As dawn was breaking, it felt like my heart was, too. It had been shattered once before, I wasn't sure if I could survive something like that again.

There was one conclusion I came to after being awake all night. I couldn't lose her. I was willing to fight for her if she was willing to do the same for me. If Bella wanted to tell our secrets to a stranger, then so be it. I padded down the hall to our room and climbed into bed somewhere around six-thirty. Bella was awake; her eyes red-rimmed from all the crying she'd done

"I'll go see some stupid therapist with you, okay? You make the appointment and I'll get the time off work. I'm sure Esme will watch the kids for us."

Bella nodded but she didn't reply. That didn't exactly make me feel optimistic but I wasn't going down without a fight.

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**One step forward, two steps back. You know I'd love to hear your thoughts.  
And there may be another update on Thursday this week...**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

I'd like to be able to tell you things improved between Bella and me after our fight and night apart. Even though I agreed to see a therapist, she wasn't convinced I truly wanted to. My choice of the word 'stupid' in front of the word 'therapist' apparently told Bella I wasn't willing to try. Once again she became short-fused – that's my nice way of saying 'bitchy.' Couple that with the looming deadline at work and it made for a terrible week for us.

Through a lot of groveling, I somehow convinced Bella that I _was_ committed to our relationship and I _was_ willing to go for counseling. She told me she'd call for an appointment. Knowing we were going to get help didn't fix the tension between us though and, if possible, we were even more estranged. It's a lonely place to be when you feel like you're losing your best friend. I wasn't sure what a stranger could do to help us but if it made her feel better about things, I was willing to give it a go.

It almost felt like our daughters picked up on our negative vibe and they were more of a handful as well. Both girls had reverted to waking up at night, which left all four of us cranky during the day. At least Bella could stay home, I had to go to work. And trust me, I'm pretty sure Carlisle would've loved to fire me except we were 50/50 partners in the business. Truthfully, I almost wanted to fire myself.

On the Thursday before our big work deadline, Bella called my cell phone during lunch. I was genuinely surprised to hear from her. I couldn't remember the last time she'd called my cell to say `hi'.

"Bella? Everything okay?"

"Oh, yeah, it's fine. I wanted to let you know that we got in on a cancellation with the marriage counselor."

"You mean they have wait lists? I guess that's good right? We're not the only ones who have issues?"

Bella ignored my comment. I tucked my phone between my shoulder and my ear as Carlisle passed me a document that needed my signature – eighty times over.

"Anyway, he can squeeze us in tomorrow at two. His office isn't that far from yours so I'll meet you there. Esme has the afternoon off and I've already confirmed that she will watch the girls."

"Sorry, when's the appointment? Next week?"

"Were you even listening?"

"I'm at work, Bella. Obviously I'm busy here. Can you simply tell me when the appointment is without bitching at me?"

Carlisle's eyebrows raised but he said nothing as he flipped over the page to where I had to sign my name again.

"To-mor-row. Two. P.M." She enunciated her words like I was two, which in itself was irritating.

"I can't do tomorrow. That's D-day over here. You know that. Why the hell would you even make the appointment for then?"

I momentarily ignored Carlisle as I talked; he stood by patiently waiting, pretending he wasn't listening to our argument.

"It's tomorrow or in six weeks time."

"I guess it'll have to be in six weeks then. I can't up and leave the office when there's so much to do before we close."

"Ed, I can handle—"

I put my hand up stopping the nonsense Carlisle was about to say.

"I have to be here, Bella. Bella? Oh for fuck's sake." Can you believe she'd hung up on me? Ridiculous. I tossed my iPhone into the debris on my desk. Hopefully I could find it again later. I looked over at my brother who was giving me one of those looks.

"Carlisle, don't look at me like that."

"Bro, I think you should go. Call her back and tell her you'll keep the appointment."

I absentmindedly patted around on my desk. "No can do, lost my phone."

Carlisle held his phone out to me and I shook my head.

"Four hours before deadline and I'm skipping work for some foo-foo counseling session. Don't be ridiculous." I rolled my eyes at him and the idea as a whole. I wasn't totally opposed to going to a therapist, but certainly not tomorrow. It wasn't going to happen.

"I guess it's a good thing. I just booked us a meeting with the client tomorrow at two. Finish up the last minute details, you know?" Carlisle took the papers from me before he left my office.

"See? We have too much to do."

*O*O*O*

When I got home that night, Bella and I had an epic fight. She accused me of not being serious about our marriage and I argued that she didn't understand how important my job was.

"I'm not saying I won't go see the stupid therapist but not now; not this week. Why can't you get that?"

"See? Right there you admitted you're not serious."

I wanted to rip my hair out. "What the fuck are you talking about? I just said I'd go see him! God!"

"No, you said you'd go see the 'stupid' therapist. Once again, you're not taking this seriously."

"Oh fuck off already with that. Did one of your imaginary friends tell you it means I'm not serious?"

It was a dick statement but it shut her up. Bella threw her hands up in surrender as she stormed away from me, muttering under her breath.

"I'm done."

Naturally I assumed 'done' meant she was finished fighting with me and_ finally_ got my point. Thank God, because I was exhausted. Except a short while later Bella came back downstairs, suitcase in hand.

"What the hell are you doing?" I questioned as she tried to push past me.

"I can't fight with you anymore; I won't. I'm leaving."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. I'm leaving. I'll stay at a hotel for a few days until I figure out where to go from here."

"You're leaving? So what, you're giving up? On me? On our marriage? On our fucking kids?" I pointed up the stairs to where the girls were hopefully sleeping through our argument.

"I told you – I'm done."

If I let Bella leave, her words would be right – we were done. She'd leave me just like my father, Jessica, and my mom all did. I couldn't face being alone. I couldn't. Those were some of the worst moments of my life. There was no way she was walking out on me.

"Like hell you are!"

I grabbed the suitcase, wrenching it out of her hand. With surprising force, Bella played tug of war with me. We must have looked exactly like the girls when they argue over a toy - back and forth, back and forth. The visual came into my head of the twins and if I wasn't so fucking angry, it would have been comical.

When I realized how childish we were being I let go of the suitcase. Bella flew backwards, ending up on her ass. The suitcase landed with a thump on the wood floor, opening wide and the contents spilled out.

Obviously, it was not my intention to knock her down or harm her in any way. In fact, I was as shocked as she was. Instinctively, I offered my hand to my wife to help her get up. Bella cowered away, screeching at me in this voice of panic.

"You stay away from me, Edward! I fucking mean it!"

There was more than anger in her eyes as she smacked my hand away. It was fear. She was fucking scared of me. My own wife thought I was capable of hurting her. That was all kinds of fucked up. I was not a monster.

Right then, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the hallway mirror. Fuck. I certainly looked like a crazy person – wild hair, eyes wide, stance that looked like I was ready to fight. But damn it, I _was_ ready to fight- I was going to fight for my marriage.

I stumbled after Bella. She'd barricaded herself in the downstairs bathroom. As expected, the door was locked. I could have easily jimmied it open but I didn't want to frighten her more. Quietly, I knocked, calling her name. I settled myself against the door, legs outstretched in front of me.

"Bella, I'm sorry. I never meant to scare you. Please, open the door. Talk to me."

"Fuck you."

"Baby—"

"I am not your 'baby', Edward Cullen. Not anymore. And since you won't let me leave, pack your shit and get the hell out of my house."

I shook my head. "I'm not leaving."

"Then be prepared to wait a long fucking time. I have no plans to come out until I know you're gone."

"I'm not going anywhere. I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight. We need to fix this. Fix us."

Only silence answered me. I couldn't sit idly by as my marriage crumbled so I started talking. Though my words had to pass through the wood door, I hoped they could penetrate her heart. Maybe I was too little, too late but I had to give it a try.

"Remember our trip to Whistler? How the car broke down in the middle of nowhere during the snowstorm and we had to decide if we should walk for miles at midnight or sleep in our car? Either way we were sure we would freeze to death. We survived that, Bella. We can survive this, too."

I didn't hear so much as a peep from behind the door but I wasn't dissuaded. Not yet.

"Remember when you convinced me to go to Florida to see my dad? I hadn't seen him in a decade, but it was the right thing to do; going there to offer him support after Garrett left him. Thank you for that. For making me go and be the better person even though I didn't want to."

"Did I ever thank you for taking me and the girls to see Santa last year? I thought it was a stupid idea; that they were too young, but you insisted. The look on their faces when he waved them over and offered them a candy cane was priceless. If you had taken them by yourself during the day I would have missed it. Thank you for making me go with you."

"Those girls mean everything to me, Bella, and so do you. I know you don't think much of me right now but you're still my everything. All the long hours I work, I do it to support you and our children. I know it's important for you to be home with them, so I do it. All I ever wanted, besides making you happy, was to have you and the girls be proud of me. Working hard is one of the ways I know how to do that."

I brushed away my tears with a balled, angry fist.

"I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry. So fucking sorry. Baby, I need you. Please open the door. Talk to me. If you won't talk to me then please, talk to a therapist. I'll go with you. I'll do whatever it takes. I'm begging you, Bella. Please."

As I pleaded, it hit me square in the chest that if I couldn't get through to her, our marriage was over. Bella would leave, taking the girls with her. Like when my mom died, I'd be completely alone - and that thought _terrified_ me. Only this time, Carlisle and Esme wouldn't be able to pick up the pieces, because I'd be ruined. Truthfully, nothing would matter if I lost them. I could lose my house, my business, and my sanity - I didn't care. All I cared about was Bella. I was nothing without her by my side. I needed my wife like I needed air to breathe. How could I make her understand that? And why the hell had it taken _this_ to make me realize how much trouble we were really in?

At that point the tears were streaming down my face. I cried more than when I was humiliated on Jessica Stanley's doorstep. More than when kids at school called me a homo because my father was gay. Even more tears than when my mother died. The strangled noises that sounded so foreign to my ears were my own sobs as they ripped from my chest. I couldn't stop them and was nearing the point of hysteria. The tears were the culmination of all the sadness in my life that I never dealt with, but more for the fact that I was losing the one woman who had loved me enough to make me whole. I was a broken man with little hope for recovery without her.

I don't remember Bella opening the door but I felt her presence beside me. She didn't reach out to comfort me; I wasn't sure it would help anyways. We said nothing for the longest time; the only sounds were my sobs. Eventually, Bella stood up.

"I'll see if I can get us another appointment with that therapist. I'm going up to bed."

I slept – if you can call it that – in the guest room again that night. Not because it was my choice, but because Bella had locked me out of our room. It hurt that I wasn't welcome there, in the room which used to be our sanctuary. Where we had heart-to-heart talks and made love to each other countless times. To not share the bed where our children were conceived made me wonder if there was a shred of hope left for us.

* * *

**Another rough chapter for these two :(**

**My love goes out to my pre-reader, Lolo84, and my beta, Capricorn75 AND to all you readers and reviewers. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave me a review, be it a smiley face or a personal story of how you can relate to these two. I'm so appreciative, you have no idea.**

**I'll see you on Monday.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

I got up the next morning and left the house way before it was light out. What was the point, sleeping wasn't happening anyways. Since I still wasn't welcome in the bedroom, I had to wear the same clothes as the day before. I don't know where my remorse went from the night prior but not having access to my room, clothes, personal belongings, etcetera, pissed me off. It was a big day at work and I wasn't starting it in very good headspace.

My brother raised an eyebrow when he came into the office noting not only my attire but disposition as well. I told him I didn't want to talk about it and, thankfully, he said nothing. Secretly, I kind of wished he had; I really wanted to deck someone to get out some of my frustrations. I settled for the busy workday to distract me instead.

Carlisle drove us to the meeting with our client that afternoon. Had I been paying attention I would have clued in to the fact that we weren't at the right office. Like an idiot I got out of the truck and followed him from the parking garage and up three flights of stairs.

"Good luck. Take a cab back; put it on the company account." Carlisle quickly patted me on the back and made a beeline for the stairwell.

"Wh-what?"

I looked at the mahogany door in front of me and noticed the name.

_Jacob Black, Registered Marriage and Family Counselor_.

"Nice try. I had Bella to cancel the appointment."

"Yeah and I got the name of the counselor from Esme who got it from Bella and then I called and pretended to be you, accepting the appointment."

"It's a felony to impersonate someone." I folded my arms across my chest so he knew I wasn't impressed. Instead he laughed it off.

"There are far worse felonies I've committed, you know that. You can thank me later."

"You're such an asshole, Car. We don't have time for me—"

"It's what, an hour? I can manage for an hour."

I cursed at him under my breath as I turned the knob and entered the small waiting room. Bella was already there. She glanced up from her magazine briefly then dropped her eyes back down. Apparently, she was still pissed. I took a seat across from her.

"This isn't a great start – having my own brother trick me into coming."

"Actually, your sister-in-law told me we were going to lunch and quite literally pushed me out of the car and kidnapped our children."

"Perfect. Neither one of us want to be here." I scrubbed my hands over my face.

"I didn't say I didn't want to be here but thanks for clarifying that you don't."

"Bella, that's not what I—"

"Mr. and Mrs. Cullen, you can go in now. Mr. Black's ready for you."

I held the door open for Bella – if nothing else, I was still a gentleman. It didn't go unnoticed that she took the time to fix her hair and makeup, as well as put on a skirt, blouse, and heels for the occasion. She looked pretty, and it made me sad that she made the effort for a stranger but not for me.

There was a man not much older than us standing in the middle of the room waiting to greet us. He had dark hair, spiked up in the front, wearing khaki's and a golf shirt. I nodded at him as I waited for the therapist to join us.

"You must be Bella, nice to meet you. And Edward, I assume?" He extended his hand to Bella and then me. "I'm Jacob Black – Jake is fine."

"Sorry, _you're _our therapist?"

Bella jabbed her elbow into my rib cage as Jake chuckled.

"Yes. Please come in make yourself at home."

The room was small with only a loveseat and a high back leather chair. Bella sat down, setting her purse on the floor by her feet. Apparently we were going to have to sit nice and cozy on the inaptly named loveseat.

"Guess I can't take your chair, huh? It looks pretty comfortable."

"And it starts," Bella quipped, giving me an eye roll. She still wasn't convinced that I wanted to be in counseling.

"Would you prefer to sit in my chair?"

Five seconds in and I already disliked the guy. Answering a question with a question. Fuck off.

"I was kidding. When I'm nervous I make jokes; it's what I do."

I sat down beside Bella and waited for the good doctor- he _was_ a doctor, right? – to start our session.

"Why are you nervous, Edward?"

Gee, Doc, I don't know. Perhaps because my marriage is so fucked up we have to see you?

He and Bella both looked at me expectantly.

"I just am." As I commented, I looked at my watch.

"Do you need to be somewhere?"

"Actually, I do. I have a job to finish up by six."

"What kind of work do you do?"

"Construction."

"You're dressed rather professionally for that kind of work. Or was that for my benefit?"

I looked down at my suit and tie – regular wear for me.

"Uh, no, not for your benefit, sorry. I own the company, I don't do the actual hands on labor. Bella, on the other hand, dressed up for you."

If looks could kill…

"You look very nice, Bella."

It pissed me off that he wasn't going to question _her_ motives like he had mine.

"Thank you."

"Who wants to start?" I half expected Jake to rub a goatee in thought as he asked, except he had a baby-face with not a whisker in place.

I put up my hand.

Jake smiled.

"We're not in school here Edward, if you have something to say, go ahead."

"I have some questions; is that allowed?"

"Of course. What did you want to know?"

"A bit about you to start, actually."

"Edward," Bella scolded but Jake waved it off.

"Sure, ask away."

"Are you actually a doctor?"

Jake shook his head. "I'm a registered marriage and family counselor. Specializing in couples and group therapy."

"How old are you?"

"Forty-two. "

I raised my eyebrows.

"You look young for forty-two."

"Is that an issue for you?"

"No, no. I was expecting someone who looked … older, I guess." By that I meant wiser. "Are you married?"

"No."

I snorted. Working with feuding couples all day he wasn't crazy enough to do it himself. Awesome.

"How much is this costing me an hour?"

"Edward!"

"What? I'm only asking because I hope it's not a waste of my time and my hard-earned money. If someone is going to attempt to fix our marriage and he's never even been married himself..." I shrugged and left it at that. I think I made my point.

"I didn't say I hadn't been married. You asked if I were married and currently, I'm not."

"Awesome. Some guy who's divorced is going to counsel us to stay married." It gets better and better.

"Actually, my wife passed away a year and a half ago."

His words stunned me into silence. Well, except for the 'fuck' I uttered.

"I'm so sorry for your loss." The intelligent comment came from Bella.

"Thank you. She died of cancer, in case you wanted to know. Any other questions, Edward?"

I shook my head, feeling like a complete asshole.

"I heard you say 'how much is this costing _me_ per hour' and you 'hoped you weren't wasting your time and _your _hard-earned money'. Can I assume from those comments that Bella doesn't work?"

"Yes." I answered before Bella.

"Actually, I do work. I'm a stay at home mom, raising our two year old twins."

"Tough job. Don't you think, Edward?" That time Jake did stroke his chin as he waited for me to answer. I shrugged.

"Yeah, I guess. I mean playing dolls and pretend all day must get tiring."

"_That_ right there is a huge part of our problem."

"What? I mean it. That would bore me into exhaustion, playing dolls and stuff all day."

Bella huffed. "Is that really what you think I do all day? Play house?"

"Well, you do." I looked to Jake for some kind of support but he stayed impartial. I wonder what he'd say about it if the two of us went for a beer and talked candidly. Five bucks said he agreed with me.

"Bella, have you ever told Edward what you really do all day?"

"He doesn't ask."

"That's not true – just last week I asked. Remember – the Barbie went in the toilet, kids had tantrums, yada, yada, yada."

"You only asked because I was about to have a mental breakdown."

"And do you know how Edward spends his day?"

"On the phone or in meetings – usually over breakfast or lunch."

I shook my head. "It's so much more than that."

"Except when I ask you tell me you don't want to rehash your day. End of discussion."

"Well, I'm tired and don't want to talk about every little detail. I want to come home, put my feet up, relax with a beer and forget about work. It's bad enough I have to hear you complain about your day. After all the crap I put up with at work, I just want to come home and have someone take care of me for a change."

"Like your mom did." I watched Bella roll her eyes then fold her arms across her chest, looking away from me. I bit my tongue. She had no idea how much my mom did for me. How her taking care of me was my saving grace in an otherwise hellish life. Instead of telling Bella that, I mimicked her crossed arms and looked in the opposite direction.

"I think everyone wants to be taken care of at the end of the day. Life's hard and so often we're go-go-go during the day. For you, Edward, it's nice to come home and decompress. And for Bella, who's been around kids all day, it's nice to finally have an adult to chat with. Either way, it's good for both of you to talk a little about your day with your spouse."

I wasn't expecting his next statement.

"I know what your first assignment will be."

"I thought you said this wasn't high school?"

Jake chuckled at my complaint. "It's not, Edward, but I want you two to start communicating again. After the kids go to bed, I want you to sit down and talk about your day. You don't have to go into extensive details but at least share the basics of what went on. And I want you to specifically share three good things and two bad. Do you think you both can do that?"

"Sounds easy enough." I told him and Bella agreed. How hard could that be?

"Great. Now, may I ask some personal questions? I'm trying to understand the dynamics of your relationship."

"Yeah, sure." I answered with a shrug for both of us. I couldn't exactly say no after he answered my questions and I made an ass of myself.

"How old were you when you met?"

"It was my twenty-first birthday; Edward was twenty-two."

"Had you both been intimate with other people before you met?"

"I'd been with one other partner; he'd been with two."

"Three."

Bella's jaw clenched and I realized I probably shouldn't have corrected her.

"Were they serious, your previous relationships?"

"For either of us, no. I mean, they were serious enough at the time to become intimate but we knew the moment we met that we should be together."

"How'd you meet? Bella, I'd like Edward to answer this time, please."

Internally I debated if I should tell the truth or not. We were there to be honest and paying the man good money – although I still didn't know how much – for the truth, not lies. The truth shall set you free, right? I also knew that if I told the real story of how we met, Bella would kill me. It wasn't exactly a story we'd be telling our children and grandchildren for generations.

"We met at a club through a mutual friend." When Bella blushed scarlet beside me, I figured Jake could use his imagination and figure out the more intimate details.

"I take it there was an instant attraction to each other then."

"You could say that."

"And now? Are you still attracted to each other?"

"Look at her - of course I am!"

Jake smiled. Was he smiling because I still found my wife attractive or because _he _found her attractive as well? He sure as hell better not!

Hey, wait a second – how come Bella hadn't answered? In fact, she needed prompting from Jake to answer.

"Bella?"

"Yes, I'm still attracted to him."

She'd answered with a quiet voice and didn't look at me, which made me doubt her answer. I looked over at Bella and she was looking down at her lap.

"When was the last time you were intimate?"

I had to do the reverse countdown in my head back to that Monday. Bella answered with specifics.

"Monday the 22nd."

I looked at her. "Did you diarize it?"

Bella shrugged.

"How often were you having sex before?"

"Before the kids were born or before we started fighting?" Bella wanted clarification.

"On average, when things were going well for you, how often were you intimate?"

"At least three times a week, probably more like four, wouldn't you say, Edward?"

I nodded. "A heck of a lot more than now, that's for sure."

"Do you miss it?" Before I could laugh, Jacob clarified his question. "Not only having an orgasm, because we all know we're capable of taking care of our own needs. I'm talking about actually being intimate, reconnecting, feeling like you're one."

"I think that's a ridiculous question."

"Why do you say that, Edward?"

"Because if she – we - don't miss that, then I'd say our marriage is officially done. I know marriage isn't built on sex but it's pretty fucking important."

"Yes, I miss it – the reconnecting with him. But it's hard to reconnect after a night of squabbling. Or when we're both just too tired to do the deed."

"That's a good thing, that you both miss it. Some couples come in here and tell me they don't; I have my work cut out with them. At least you're on the same page."

"You're saying there's hope for us yet?" Maybe Bella and I weren't as fucked up as we thought we were.

Jake smiled and chuckled. "Yes, there is. There's always hope if you're willing to work for it."

"I am." I thought I should clarify that for Bella's sake, so she knew I was serious. She, however, said nothing.

We talked for a while longer, mostly us answering Jake's questions, not really getting to the heart of the matter but maybe he knew what he was doing after all. I hoped so.

Before we left, Jake talked to us about our next session.

"The reality of your situation is not as complicated as you think. No one's cheated or had thoughts about cheating. You both want to be together, you want to be intimate. I think you may have forgotten how. You're dealing with issues every couple with kids faces. Trust me, you aren't alone. We should continue this one-to-one for a little while, but I really think you guys are a good candidate for group therapy down the road."

"Is it cheaper?"

Bella shook her head at me. What? I thought it was a valid question.

"Yes, Edward, it's cheaper."

"Where do we sign up?"

"I have two other couples I met with this morning who I think would be a perfect fit for you. Both are stay at home moms and the husbands work outside the home. Like your situation, these couples have lost their way, so to speak. Once we think you're ready for group, I can see if we can coordinate our schedules and find a time each week to meet?"

"I think that will be fine, right, Edward?"

"Absolutely. I'll have my people call your people and someone can call their people."

I thought it was funny.

"Don't forget your homework assignment to sit down and talk about your day."

I saluted him. "Yes, sir."

"One final thing before you go. Until we meet next, I don't want you to be intimate. Handholding is fine. Kissing is okay, as long as you can control your urges. But no petting or sex."

"Heh, heh. The way things have been going - shouldn't be a problem."

Jake clasped me on the back. "We'll get you guys back to that, I promise. There'll be a few more homework assignments before that, though. I think you might even enjoy some of them."

I stuck my hand out to him. "Thank you, Jake. This wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be."

"What did you think was going to happen?"

"I thought I was going to hate you."

Jake laughed. "I'm glad you don't. See my secretary on the way out to book for next week, okay?"

With that, Bella and I walked out of his office. I wanted to hold her hand but honestly, I wasn't sure if we were ready for that. Somehow though, I felt lighter. It certainly didn't feel like we totally hopeless. Truthfully, I was kind of looking forward to working with Jake and getting back what Bella and I had lost.

* * *

**Can Therapist Jake get them back on track? Time will tell.**

**For those of you who've asked, the whole story is pre-written and beta'd already. 21 chapters in total. That just shows you these two have a ways to go still.**

**Lolo84 and Capricorn - thank you for your help!**

**Readers and Reviewers - thank you for all your lovely comments xo**

Thursday update? We'll see!


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

After our therapy session, I took a cab back to the office. I would have loved to go home and had time with Bella but Carlisle and I had to get our job finished. Surprisingly, the project did complete on time. I still ended up working late as the client wanted to take Carlisle and me out for a drink (or three) to celebrate. Okay, it wasn't really 'working' late but I couldn't exactly say no. Networking is a huge part of my job and imperative to my business. It means that sometimes I have to hob-knob even if I don't particularly want to.

When I got home after nine-thirty that night, Bella was in the living room and put her laptop away as I walked in. I was pleasantly surprised at the gesture especially since at therapy she seemed less than enthusiastic. I mean for someone who wanted therapy she wasn't as receptive as I thought she'd be once we got there.

"How did it go? Did you manage to get the job finished?" Bella genuinely looked interested as she asked.

"We did. Somehow, with hard work from our team and sheer good luck, the job wrapped up on time just before six."

Bella looked at her watch. "It's quarter to ten. What have you been doing for the last four hours?"

When I told her we were invited out for drinks to celebrate, she was less than impressed. Bella turned it around to make it seem like it was my idea to go out for drinks; that I chose my job over her. No matter how many times I tried to explain myself she twisted things so I was the bad guy once again.

"We had our first counseling session today and I guess I thought maybe tonight would be different. I thought you'd _want_ to be home with me."

Once again, it was like I was talking to a brick wall. How many different ways could I say the same thing? Bella simply wasn't getting it.

"God! Why can't you understand that I had to go?"

"How'd you like it if I blew you off for the evening?"

I said nothing but the look on my face gave myself away. What? I'm a guy and it had been a long while since I'd had any sort of action. A night of my wife blowing me off sounded good. And, apparently, too good to be true – Bella's face told me she clearly wasn't amused.

"Can you be serious?"

"Can you give me a break? I bet Esme isn't bitching out Carlisle right now about going for a few drinks after work."

"Carlisle and Esme aren't having problems in their marriage, are they?"

"Lucky them."

"Nice." Bella spat as she brushed past me.

Sure, I could have let her go, but I didn't want to. Truthfully, the last thing I wanted was to fight. I was exhausted; fighting took energy I didn't have. I wanted to work _with_ her, not against.

"Bella, don't."

"Don't what?"

"Walk away from me. I'm sorry, okay? I am. I would have much preferred to be home with my girls but I was obligated to go out. I wish I could make you believe that."

"All I wanted to hear was 'I'm sorry." No 'buts' afterwards, just 'I'm sorry.'"

"I'm sorry. " I gave her a smile, a peace offering. "Why don't I pour us a glass of wine? We can sit on the couch and talk about our day."

Thankfully, Bella agreed.

As we sat together, I asked her to tell me the three good things from her day, as instructed by the therapist. Number one was that we went to the counseling session. Two, that the girls went right to sleep at bedtime, and three was that she got some writing done while she was waiting for me.

When she asked me about my three positive things, I should have taken a page from her book. Instead I told her I was glad the job finished on time so we avoided penalty. That I was happy being home with my feet up on the coffee table and finally, that I had the next two days off.

"You don't think going to therapy was a positive thing?"

"No, no I totally do."

"Why didn't you list it then?"

"I don't know. I was thankful for those other things. Does it matter?"

"It mattered to me."

"Well, sorry I didn't give the answer you wanted me hear."

Bella rolled her eyes.

Fuck! Why did everything turn into an argument?

"You know what, going to therapy was the highlight of my day. Better?"

"That's not….Never mind it's fine."

I knew it wasn't really fine but I wasn't about to argue that moot point. If she wasn't going to share how she really felt then screw it - I wasn't going to pull it out of her.

"Jake said we're supposed to talk about the negatives of our day. Why don't you start?" Bella looked at me expectantly.

Before I thought any more about it, I said the wrong thing. Again.

"It certainly wasn't fun to come home from work and get bitched at by my wife."

Yes, it was most definitely the wrong answer.

Bella got up and stormed out of the room. My dilemma was if I should follow her or not. I rolled my neck as I debated and then went after her. Bella was in our room, sitting on our bed. Just sitting there. Hands in her lap, blank look on her face.

"Fuck, I'm sorry. I keep saying the wrong things. I'm being honest but maybe I shouldn't be. I don't know." I drew my hands through my hair in frustration as I sat down beside her.

"I'm sorry I bitched at you when you got home. The whole night I was feeling bad that you were working so late and it turns out you were at a pub. I understand it was work related but it doesn't make it any better. I always feel like I come in second place."

I wanted to interrupt to correct her – make her understand that she was always the most important thing in my life but I kept quiet and let her finish.

"You work long hours, come home, and the girls crave your attention because they haven't seen you all day. After they're in bed, you're either on the phone or working on proposals for work. And tonight I played second fiddle to drinks with the guys. That stung."

I sat down beside her.

"Bella, it wasn't drinks with the guys."

"I know that, but it felt like I wasn't a priority for you once again."

"It's not like that. Fuck. My job's important. When you chose to stay home with the girls—"

"_We_ chose, Edward."

"Fine, when _we _chose for you to stay home with the girls we knew what it meant, mostly longer hours for me. I don't think you realize but that puts a lot of pressure on me to provide for my family. Yes, I have late business meetings, often work from home, and have drinks with clients. I don't want you to feel like you're in second place but if I don't work, we don't have money coming in and our whole lifestyle would change. Is that what you want? I'm not being facetious - I'm genuinely asking. If you want me to scale back, then you'll need to go back to work."

Bella shook her head. "I want more time with you. You, Edward. Don't you get that?"

"I want that, too. Sometimes, I feel like I get home from work you're too busy for me. You're either with the twins, writing, or talking to your online friends." I shrugged because it was a two-way street.

"First of all, yes, I'm with the girls a lot. Hello? I'm the mom – the only parent they see some days."

"Nice dig."

"It wasn't meant as a dig, I apologize. I'm simply stating a fact. And yes, I'm on the computer at night after they go to bed. I need down time too."

"Don't take this the wrong way but is it really so hard being with the girls all day? I mean they have a two and a half hour nap in the afternoon. I'd be putting my feet up and talking to my friends then."

"Edward, when was the last time you did a load of laundry? And I mean washed, dried, folded and put away? Not just start the washer?"

I shrugged.

"Vacuumed? Washed the floors? Grocery shopped? Dusted? Scrubbed a toilet? Watered the plants? Fed the stupid fish?"

"Uh….we have fish?"

"Exactly. Those things don't magically get done. I'm not sitting around on my ass all day. There's still a household to take care of. And if you're not doing it, I am."

"I guess we each have different roles we've taken on. I pay all the bills; do maintenance on the cars; take out the trash. Maybe we should have a check list for the jobs we do?"

Bella snorted.

"And who's to say that taking out the trash is more important that scrubbing the toilets? Should we keep score of how many diapers and or accidents we each clean up in a day?"

I chuckled. "I think you'd win that one."

"I know I would."

We sat on the bed, not touching and not speaking for a moment as we both reflected on what the other had said. Maybe she had a point. Perhaps her 'job' was as important as mine.

"I didn't think this would be so hard." Bella finally broke the silence with a quiet voice.

"What's that?"

"Being married with kids. It's hard. I'm not saying I'd give back Avery and Audrey because I love them to death. But I do want a break from them sometimes. Having kids has changed us. I miss how we used to be." Her shoulders shrugged up.

"I know what you mean. I miss the nights we'd spend making love, and lazy, naked Sunday's fucking the day away."

Bella shook her head like I'd missed the point. "Not just that, Edward. I miss us. Talking without fighting; holding hands while we watch TV. You know, the other things that also make us a couple."

Oh. Yeah, I meant that, too.

"You heard Jake today, it's everyday couple stuff. We'll get past this. You, uh, didn't have a whole lot to say at the session though." I was trying to word things carefully so I wouldn't get myself into trouble. Again.

"Yeah, well, I was still upset about the fight we had the night before."

I nodded because I could appreciate that.

"And honestly, some of your comments today ... well, they sort of pissed me off."

"I'm really trying to make an effort here even if it doesn't seem that way." I reached for her hand, threading our fingers together. "I really do like that we're talking more."

"How come every time we talk turns into a fight, though?"

I shook my head. "I don't know. We've got some shit to figure out. But we made the first step today seeing Jake."

"Thanks for agreeing to go."

"It was the right thing to do. I realize that now."

We each got ready for bed after that, brushing our teeth side-by-side. We worked in synch; I'd brush, she'd spit; I'd spit, she'd brush. I know it's stupid, but it made me smile. I spit for the final time and rinsed out my mouth.

"Hey."

Bella answered me with her brush still in her mouth.

"Huh?"

"I love you."

Bella removed the brush and looked at me for a moment, like I'd said the most obscure thing ever. I moved close enough so I could encircle her into my arms. Instead of molding herself into my embrace, she pushed against my chest, breaking us apart.

"I 'ave to spit," she explained. Leaning over the sink, she spit and rinsed her mouth out before she turned to face me again.

"What did you say?"

"I love you." I nodded as I re-confirmed my words. When she didn't say it back, I admit, I started to panic. Telling someone you love them without the immediate confirmation is rather daunting, especially in the light of our current situation. I looked deep into her eyes, trying to decipher the tears that were forming. Did she not love me anymore? I was afraid to question her; scared to know what she was really thinking but either way I had to know.

Then I realized it didn't matter. I loved her. I knew that in my bones. If she didn't love me, well, I was going to have to fight even harder to make her fall in love with me again. As I was about to give up - on hearing the words, not on us - Bella lifted her hands up. I placed mine against hers - palm to palm – and our fingers threaded together.

When Bella finally spoke, she didn't say the words I'd hope she say in response to my 'I love you.'

"I know you do."

I changed my mind - it _did_ matter. In a big fucking way! 'I know you do'? What the fuck was that supposed to mean? It wasn't good, that's for damn sure. If our hands hadn't been clasped together, I would have been clutching at my chest in a desperate attempt to quell the pain in my heart.

"Wow. Uh…" I tried to walk away from Bella but she held fast to my hands.

"Edward…"

"Don't! Let go of me."

Bella released my hands, dropping hers down to her sides then looked down at the floor. I wasn't having that.

"Look at me," I commanded. I needed to see her eyes when I asked my next question, her eyes wouldn't lie, even if her words did. Slowly, she looked at me, tears pooling.

"Do you love me? Tell me honestly, Bella. Because if you don't love me anymore, I…we… fucking hell." I looked away, not wanting to know the truth because it might be the death of me.

"Edward, I—"

She paused. She fucking paused!

I pulled back, not to walk away but to sink to the bathroom floor. In shock I sat there, with my head on my knees, arms wrapped around them. In therapy, Jake had asked if we were still attracted to each other and she'd said yes, but attraction didn't necessarily equate love.

My wife didn't love me?

What the fuck?

Bella sat down beside me on the bathmat, resting her head on my arm. Her tears stained my shirt but still she didn't utter the words I longed to hear. Inside, to my core, I felt completely empty. Void of comprehending anything let alone what the words 'I know you do' meant.

We didn't speak as we sat there. What was there to say? The woman I gave my heart to seven years before didn't want it any more. My mind was empty, my body numb. I didn't even have it in me to cry – there simply wasn't anything left of me.

Eventually Bella stopped crying. The silence in the room was deafening to my ears and each passing minute I felt more and more alone.

At some point we made our way to bed. Though farther apart than we'd ever been before, I was desperate for her touch. I reached for her hand in the darkness and held on for dear life – for she was my life - and she was slipping away. Though I had a death grip, Bella never let go. I didn't know if that was pity or a possibility. I prayed for the latter but it felt like I was hoping against all hope.

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**I can't wait to read your thoughts on this chapter.**

**Thanks to Lolo84 and Capricorn75 for their dedication with this story. Thank you for reading.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

My mom used to tell me that each day brought new possibilities. No matter how the previous day ended, morning brought with it a fresh start. Let bygones be bygones, she'd say. And even if I'd been a disobedient shit the night before, sure enough, come morning, Mom always greeted me pleasantly. I believed that there was magic in the stars that wiped away troubles in the darkness and left hope with the rising sun.

I was wrong.

Dawn didn't make me feel any less numb. I was still broken. Unhappy doesn't even begin to describe it because it was so much deeper than that. Bella's lack of words was also an attack on my character.

I'd fucked things up so much that I was unlovable.

That was a very sobering thought that resonated within me.

The girls woke up early the next morning so Bella brought them into our bed. Usually their warm little bodies and high-pitched giggles would make me smile despite the worst of days. Audrey planted wet kisses all over my neck as Avery squashed my head into a two-year old bear hug. I tried to force a smile for their sake but it was just that – forced. There was no joy in watching my girls play together.

For the remainder of the weekend I dressed in the same sweats and a rumpled tee shirt both days. I didn't bother with my hair and my razor never made an appearance. Food tasted like cardboard so I didn't bother eating. Any words Bella spoke to me were not heard. The only ones I wanted to hear would be too late now anyways.

Monday, I called in sick and stayed in my dirty sweats. Tuesday and Wednesday were repeats of the same. Quite simply, I really didn't care anymore. My marriage was over. If Bella didn't love me, there was nothing left for me. I had no fight left. My gloves were off, head and hands down and I was backed up against the ropes. Failure was immanent. I was absolutely defeated. And worst of all, I'd brought it on myself. I had no one to blame but me.

Thursday, I was sitting on the floor in the living room. The twins were crawling over me, begging for some form of attention that I simply couldn't give them. I felt more than numb. It felt like my heart had already stopped beating and I was dead inside.

When the doorbell rang I ignored it and let Bella answer it.

Esme walked in, exchanging sympathetic looks with Bella. I was informed that Bella and I were going out, and Esme was babysitting. Like a lost puppy, I followed my wife – could I still call her that? – outside to the car. Absentmindedly, I got into the passenger seat and only buckled up when reminded to do so. I couldn't be bothered to ask where we were going but I knew it wasn't anywhere important since I was still in my dirty sweats and slippers.

Twenty minutes later Bella pulled into a parking garage. She held open the passenger door and told me to get out. I did, following her inside the building. Turns out we were at Jake's office and he personally led us into the small counselling room.

Dropping onto the love seat I sat there emotionless.

"Bella, can you tell me what's going on? You sounded quite upset on the phone this morning."

"This. Him. He's been like this since Friday night."

"Edward, what happened on Friday night?"

I gave a noncommittal shrug.

"See? That's all I've gotten from him the last five days."

"Edward? Can you look at me, please?"

I lifted my eyes when asked.

"What's going on? This isn't the same man I met last week. What happened to the suit and tie?"

I answered with another shrug.

"You guys left here on Friday afternoon almost hopeful, or am I mistaken?"

"Sure."

"Did something happen to change your mind?"

All I could do was snort. "Ask her."

"I'm asking you."

I couldn't say the words out loud because it would make it too real. Like I was admitting it was all over.

"Edward."

Jake wasn't asking. His firm tone meant he was expecting an answer. Fuck him. When he spoke again, his voice was softer.

"I can't help you unless you talk to me. And I want to help you. Please."

I rolled my eyes because it was apparent we were beyond help.

"It's pretty simple. She doesn't love me."

"Why do you think she doesn't love you?"

"Because she told me so. Or didn't. Whatever."

Jake leaned back in his chair. "Things seem to have derailed significantly from where we left off. Bella, can you fill in the blanks?"

She sighed before speaking then explained in a calm voice that we did our homework assignment after I got home from work, leaving out the fact that we fought.

"That's good that you talked. I take it things escalated after that. Go on."

"We were brushing our teeth and then he threw it out there."

"He threw what out there? I don't understand."

"An 'I love you'. It was so unceremonious, and he dropped it like a bomb."

"Excuse me, but a bomb was your response to my words. What the fuck does 'I know you do' mean? And when I asked point blank for you to tell me you loved me you couldn't do it."

As I suspected, it burned my throat to utter the words out loud. I wasn't going to cry in front of a virtual stranger or worse, my wife. Clenching my jaw, I looked away, staring at the pale blue walls.

"I didn't know how to answer you. I don't not love you."

"Well, isn't that fucking great."

"I can understand why you're upset, Edward. That probably left you feeling discouraged."

"Discouraged? It fucking ripped my heart out." I stopped, trying to get my emotions and my voice back to a respectable level.

"Yeah, I knew we had problems in our marriage. Sure, we argue over stupid things. But never, not _once_, did I think she didn't love me. Sorry, she doesn't not love me. Whatever."

"Bella, can you explain what you mean?"

"I do love him—"

"Except you couldn't say it when I needed to hear it."

"Edward, please let Bella finish."

"Like I said, I do still love him. It was just so weird to be in the bathroom getting ready for bed and he comes out with this passionate 'I love you'. While we were brushing our teeth! I don't know, I thought it was a ploy to get us to stop therapy or to get in my pants or something."

"You're fucking delusional."

"Then explain the rationale behind your profound declaration of love while I looked like shit and had a mouth full of toothpaste. Because it made no sense to me."

"First of all, it wasn't a ploy to get in your pants or to stop therapy, but thanks for thinking so little of me." I ignored her after that and spoke directly to Jake instead. Somehow, it was easier to talk to him.

"We had another fight after I got home from work Friday. The specifics aren't important because we worked it out and came to an understanding. We also talked about how hard marriage is and that coming to therapy was a good decision."

"Anyways, as we were brushing our teeth, I looked at Bella in the mirror – really looked at her. She had no makeup on, her hair tied back in a messy bun, wearing her pajamas. As we brushed our teeth, I realized that stripped down like that, brushing and spitting totally in synch, we fit together."

As I told Jake what happened, I realized that an 'I love you' while brushing our teeth wasn't exactly poetic.

"I know it sounds completely stupid but at the time, it made sense in my head. We weren't 'Mom and Dad', housewife and business owner. We were simply Bella and Edward. We were what we used to be before the twins came along. Before all the responsibilities of owning a house, business, paying bills, and being parents. Right then, she was the same girl I fell in love with and it just hit me. And I couldn't remember the last time I told her I loved her so I did. I thought she'd like to know. Regretting it now, obviously."

After a moment of silence, Bella reached over and put her hand on my forearm; I resisted the urge to pull away. Her sniffling told me she was crying. To be honest, I didn't care.

"Bella, why are you crying?" Jake asked as he passed over a box of Kleenex.

"Because of what he just said – that's so sweet. I didn't know that's what he was thinking when he told me. I mean, I saw the look on his face but I didn't know what it meant."

"What look on his face?"

"He was looking at me like he loved me."

"Wasn't that obvious? I fucking told you I did."

"No, you were looking at me like you loved me to death. It scared me."

"That's fucking great. I've scared you a few times now."

Jake's eyebrows raised. "How so?"

When I shrugged, Jake turned to Bella for an explanation.

"The night before our first session Edward and I had a huge argument. I fell backwards and—"

"You fell?"

I didn't like Jake's tone of voice and what it implied. Immediately I was on the defensive.

"I would never hurt my wife! Let me make that very clear!"

Bella defended me as well. "No, it's not like that. We were literally playing tug of war with a suitcase and when he let go, I fell backwards."

"Why the suitcase?"

"I was so fed up with fighting I was planning on leaving for a night or two. I just needed some time to think, you know? Edward was refusing to let me go."

"And when I realized how childish we were being, fighting over the suitcase, I let it go and she fell backwards."

"I understand now that it was an accident. Bella, what scared you?"

Bella looked down at her hands. "The look on his face was… I don't know, almost possessive. Like no matter what, he wasn't going to let me leave."

Great, she made me sound like Jekyll and Hyde. I was either possessive and angry or mushy and loving. I wondered if Jake had the authority to commit me.

"Edward, if you two were fighting so much, why didn't you let her go? Were you worried it would be for more than one night?"

I scrubbed my hands over my face. I could have used that opportunity to admit my fears of being alone. My dad left me; Jessica, well she didn't even show up but she abandoned me; Mom died. I went from Tanya, to Angela, to Bree, to Bella with no break in between. Bella knew nothing of my past because I never wanted her to think any less of me. I could admit to myself I was a loser but I didn't want my wife to know I was. I decided being vague was my best option.

"I've had other people in my life leave me and they never came back."

"Fair enough. I can see it's an emotional subject for you. Maybe we can discuss it further at another session."

I was thankful that Jake recognized that I didn't want to talk about it right then and let it be.

"Now, Bella, earlier you said you loved Edward. Why didn't you immediately tell him that?"

"Correction, Therapist Jake – she 'thinks' she loves me, remember? Maybe you should take notes."

Jake ignored my comment and waited for Bella to answer. She was tearing the tissue into tiny shreds, a nervous habit I'd seen many times before, especially lately. Her eyes stayed fixed on her lap as she answered.

"I'm not sure I can love him as much as that look on his face told me he loved me."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

Jake shook his head at me and I muttered an apology while I waited for her to explain.

Bella turned her body so she was looking directly at me. She begged me to look at her and as painful as it was, I did. With her thumbs, my wife wiped away the tears that betrayed me, slipping down my cheeks in quick succession. At that point, I couldn't stop them.

"I love you, Edward and I'm sorry I didn't tell you that night. I really do; but that look you gave me…I'm not sure I can love you as much as you love me. I want to, God I want to. I don't want to let you down if it's not enough."

She was wrong. _So_ wrong. She had no idea how much I needed even one ounce of her affection.

"Bella, any amount of your love is enough for me."

"We've been fighting so much lately and I feel so disconnected from you. I feel alone, unappreciated and ... and when I saw your face in the bathroom, you were looking at me like I was your forever—"

"You _are_ my forever. Have I been such a shitty husband that you don't know that any more?"

Her shoulders shrugged and my heart sank. "Maybe I've forgotten."

I placed a hand against her cheek. "I'll prove it to you. I'm going to make you remember why you fell for me in the first place. Bella, I _will_ make you love me again."

With my words, came more tears, this time from both of us. We leaned toward each other until our foreheads were touching. My hand was no longer against her cheek but my heart was certainly in her hands.

"I promise you, baby." I whispered my words, my breath a promise against her lips. And I sealed that promise with a kiss, tentative at first because I didn't want to be hurt by rejection on top of everything else. That would have surely broken me. With my tongue, I cautiously traced over her lower lip then gauged her reaction. Bella didn't flinch, pull away, or hit me - all good signs. I parted my lips as she did the same, and we came together in an open mouth kiss. The tips of our tongues met for what felt like the first time.

I experienced that _feeling_ in the pit of my stomach – do you know what I'm talking about? Excitement mixed with nervousness with an overwhelming urge to continue. It had been so long since I'd kissed my wife like that. Usually it was a quick, polite peck on her cheek or mine when parting. But this, God, _this_ reminded me of our very first kiss. Bella's tongue retreated into her mouth and mine followed. When she rolled hers around mine, sucking gently, I groaned involuntarily and raised my hand to cup her breast.

"Ahem!"

We pulled apart, both of us blushing and wiping our mouths as Jake reminded us we weren't alone.

"I almost feel guilty charging you for this session." Our therapist had a smirk on his face.

"Perhaps a discount?" I suggested.

"Perhaps. Do you feel like you resolved a few things?"

Bella and I both nodded.

"This is the part where I'm supposed to tell you that the future isn't scary. Well, it is. But fear is natural; good even– it means you're growing. There's going to be some difficult sessions ahead but they're necessary. Like it was necessary for you, Edward, to hear that Bella doesn't think she can love you enough. We'll get through it together – the three of us."

"Heh, heh, I always wanted a threesome."

Bella shook her head at my inappropriate remark; Jake chuckled.

"Don't be nervous, Edward. The common goal is finding your way back to each other. I have a feeling you'll do okay. Now Bella, you said you feel alone and unappreciated, can you tell Edward what you meant by that?"

I listened to Bella talk, really listened. To hear her speak of her loneliness made my heart ache with remembrance. What's worse, I had no idea she was feeling like that. We talked a bit more and then the session was over before I was ready. The three of us stood up, taking turns shaking hands.

"Thank you for seeing us again."

"My door's always open, Bella, for an extra fee of course." His big grin made me laugh.

"Unless I grope her boob, then the discount applies."

"That's a given, Edward."

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**WHEW rough start but I hope you're all happy with how things ended? Where will things progress from here?  
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**My love to you for reading and reviewing and to my pre-reader and beta: lolo84 and Capricorn75. I do a lot of tweaking after Cappy's finished so any mistakes are mine. Thank you all!**


	10. Chapter 10

**So many mixed reviews and questions after last chapter. I answered some of them in my review replies but hopefully this chapter will clear things up further. **

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**Chapter 10**

At our request, Esme and Carlisle took the kids out for ice cream later that night after therapy so Bella and I could have some time alone. We didn't cover all that we needed to in our session, and we both knew we had more things to talk about that Jake didn't have time to address. Before they left, my brother pulled me aside.

"Edward, I had no idea you weren't actually sick. I'm sorry, I should have done something sooner."

I threw my arm around his shoulders and told him I never would have opened up to him about the severity of the issues Bella and I were having anyways. He nodded like he understood as he left with the girls.

Bella and I sat down with a glass of wine and open minds. Somewhat hesitantly, I started us off.

"Do you really think you can't love me enough? What does that even mean? Enough to satisfy me? Enough to stay married? Or is it that you love me but you're not in love with me anymore? Be honest."

Bella's finger slowly traced a ring around the mouth of her wineglass as she shrugged her shoulders. I braced myself for her response.

"I love you, and I'm still in love with you, Edward. I am." She looked into my eyes and nodded affirmatively. "And I should have just said that to you that night. You surprised me. It'd been a long time since you told me you loved me and I was stunned. I get why you said it when you did- _now-_ but _then_ it felt like it just came from out of left field."

"And 'enough'?" I had to know what she meant by that.

"Like I said in therapy, you were looking at me like you really loved me and I haven't felt like that lately. But your face it was pure love. I was upset because I wasn't sure I loved you like that."

I frowned because that hurt to hear.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. God, I'm so sorry."

"I just feel like my work isn't appreciated. I don't think you understand that what I do at home _is_ work. You have Carlisle and your employees to thank you for a job well done. I don't have that."

"Truthfully, I don't get very many thank you's except when I hand out bonuses at Christmas. I'm the boss – I get smiled at and then talked about behind my back. Carlisle, too- he just doesn't give a shit." I snorted to myself because he really didn't care. He figured if someone hated him, they could quit and go work somewhere else. I was the opposite; I wanted my employees to like me, but sometimes being the boss meant I had to be tough and that's not always appreciated.

"As for you, I _do_ appreciate what you do at home. I guess I never really thought I needed to tell you. Call me stupid but I just figured you knew."

Bella slowly shook her head. "I don't know. I thought it would be fun every single day. But it's so hard and I feel stupid complaining about it because I _should_ be enjoying being home with them. It's almost like there are more bad days than good. And when we do have a good day, I feel guilty about it because you're stuck at work."

"Bella, I want you to enjoy being home. It makes me feel good to know that I can financially support my family – I guess that's a guy thing. After my father left, my mom went back to work and there were days when I'd come home to an empty house, wishing she could be there to greet me instead. I love that you're here for our girls. Thank you."

Tears welled up in her eyes at my words. Until then I hadn't realized how important it was for her to hear those two words. I made a mental note to say them more often.

"Thank you, too, for going to work so I can stay home. I don't say it to you, either. I'm sorry."

I smiled at her as I laid my hand against her cheek. "Truthfully, I'd rather have you show me, instead of telling me. No, I'm not asking for sex – although at this point, I wouldn't protest. I'm just saying more than words makes it real. God, I'm quoting 'Extreme' but you know what I mean."

"I'll try to remember that." I loved that her smile was genuine and I loved that we were really communicating. It felt good.

"Are you happy, Bella? I mean with me, our life together?"

"I am – with you and our kids. I hate that sometimes I feel really lonely."

"I hate you feeling like that. I know I'm not always supportive of your writing and your internet friends. But I'm going to try to be more understanding. Since we're being honest, sometimes I feel jealous that I'm being neglected."

Bella refilled my glass before she spoke. "I know I get absorbed in it. When there are words in my head I have to write them down. It's like they are screaming at me to come out. I don't mean to ignore you."

"I'll try to be more understanding, okay?"

"And I'll try to find a better way to balance things so you don't feel like I'm ignoring you. I don't mean to."

"Thank you."

In bed that night our feet snuggled together. It may not seem like a big deal but for us, it was. It was our own way of reconnecting.

The rest of the week until our next session was fairly uneventful, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. There were no more kisses or 'I love you's'. We simply cohabited without incident. We each made an effort to please the other. I made sure I was home at a reasonable time each day or called if I was running late, and Bella had the house straightened up and if dinner wasn't ready she at least had a plan for it. There were definitely more 'thank you's' from us both. And after the girls were in bed, we talked about our day, sharing as Jake had instructed. Listing off our positives and negatives felt forced and unnatural, but we did it because at least we were talking.

At our next session, Jake asked how our week was.

"It was fine."

Jake snorted. "Bella, I heard my wife say 'fine' more times that I can count. That word always means more than the four letters it contains."

Bella gave a shrug and Jake looked to me to explain.

"We actually had a great talk after our last session and I feel like we really connected and understood each other better afterwards."

"That's great to hear. Is there a 'but' coming?"

Bella gave a shy smile. "I thought that after our last session and the subsequent talk, I don't know, that maybe it would just _click_ for us. But we're still having to work at it. We have to make a point to talk every night. God, I make it sound so awful, like I don't want to. But I do, it's just that it doesn't feel natural." Bella shrugged. I understood what she was saying and apparently Jake did as well.

"You can't expect a miracle after one good session, guys. And once you have kids, it's that much harder to find the time to balance everything. Unfortunately, reconnecting as a couple is difficult. I want you to know that this is fairly common. My wife and I had a heck of a time after our son was born."

My face went deadpan. I'd had no idea he had a kid. Bella looked equally as surprised.

"Maybe I should tell you a bit about me. Leah and I met when I was 32. Until then I was a confirmed bachelor, but I knew immediately I was going to marry her. And I did, six months later. Five years after that, our son Seth was born. Life was good for a while but then Leah and I really struggled. You'd think being a therapist I would have known better, but I didn't."

"We had a lot of arguments – mostly over stupid, insignificant things. You know what that's like. We both thought we were always in the right. Eventually we got our shit together but it wasn't therapy that did it. When Seth was three, Leah had a routine doctor's appointment - you know, a PAP and all that stuff."

Jake waved his hands around and wrinkled his nose at whatever 'stuff' was. Bella seemed to understand what he was talking about.

"Two weeks later, Leah got a call saying the doctor needed to speak to her about her results. We never, in a million years, thought anything of it. I went to work; she went to the appointment. I will always regret that she was by herself when the doctor gave her the news."

When Jake shook his head I could tell he was still upset with himself for not being there that day.

"Leah called me from the office and in a totally dead voice informed me she had cancer. I was floored. Speechless. She asked me to meet her at the clinic so we could speak to the oncologist on staff and I went right over. The doctor explained Leah was already stage 4, which we were told was incurable. She was given a year to live."

The whole time Jake had been speaking, his head was down, staring at his hands. He looked up at Bella and me as he continued. The anguish on his face seared through to my heart and physically pained me.

"What do you do when you're told that the one person you would do anything for, the one you'd _die_ for, is the one going to die? You fight – together. God, Leah was so brave, she really was. But ultimately, we knew when we were losing. So we gave up on fighting and chose to live like it was her last days, because we knew that's what they were."

Bella brushed away her tears; I put my arm around her shoulders wanting to comfort her since I couldn't reach out and take away Jake's heartache.

"Leah died ten months later. I wish it hadn't taken her illness to make me realize what was really important."

Jake paused long enough to wipe away the tears, completely unabashed.

"I decided to specialize in couples counseling after Leah died. I want to help people who are struggling. You have no idea how much I wish I would've spent those last few years with her differently. I would have loved my wife more, not bickered over who did more household chores or whose turn it was to make dinner. I can tell you now, I break the rules with my son more times than Leah would approve of. Quite simply, I don't want to live with any more regrets. The ones I harbor now are bad enough."

The three of us were silent for a few minutes until Jake cleared his throat.

"So, there you have it. You can trust me when I say I understand what you're going through."

"I'm really sorry, that's truly heartbreaking."

"Thank you, Edward. Her death literally left me with a broken heart. I don't know if I'll ever remarry, but if I do I'm going to try to remember why I fell in love in the first place. Which brings me to our discussion today. What was it that first drew you to each other?"

Beside me, Bella's knee bounced up and down nervously as she spoke.

"I thought he was attractive."

"That's usually how it works. I thought Leah was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. You said you met at a club? Did he ask you to dance?"

"Actually, Edward was dating a girlfriend of mine so I tried not to act on how I was feeling."

We'd been sitting at the bar waiting for Bree and the others to arrive. Even sitting beside her made me feel _something_ - I can't explain what. I wasn't sure if Bella felt the same, though, because she was looking anywhere but at me. It wasn't until later that she admitted it was because she was feeling the same as I was. I had no plans to act on my feelings because I never wanted to hurt Bree, never.

Except my girlfriend sent me a text - **_Sorry I can't make it – work blows. Have fun with Bella_** - and signed it with a winking smiley face, almost like she knew we'd hit it off. I cursed because I knew I was going to do something that wasn't very gentlemanly. The alcohol and the sheer attraction between Bella and me was like a magnetic pull. I simply couldn't resist her; nor did I want to. So, I asked her to dance...and the rest was history.

"Jake, we both tried not to act on it but we couldn't deny the chemistry between us."

"So you broke up with your girlfriend and you two started dating?"

Bella blushed. "Not exactly."

"We didn't exactly have a PG-rated start to our relationship, Jake."

My mind drifted back to that night. After gyrating on the dance floor together, Bella and I couldn't wait another minute to get alone. I'd never felt such a primal need to be with someone. Bella told me the VIP room had been reserved for her party so we went in search of it.

"_Dammit! It's locked."_

"_I don't care. This hallway is fine."_

_Bella pushed me against the wall, her mouth on mine, urgent and hungry. Her tongue snaked into my mouth and I groaned at the sensation. Fingers tangled in my hair, my hands on her ass as I grinded against her. A growly 'fuck' escaped my lips as we parted briefly._

"_Bella, we can't do this here."_

_"I can't wait!"_

_Her hands were already untucking my shirt from my pants as her lips attacked the hollow of my throat. Once under my shirt, her fingernails scraped down my chest. My mouth left kisses on any piece of exposed skin I could find. I kissed the swells of her breasts and wanted more, so much more._

"_We really shouldn't do this here," I told her sternly, trying to pretend I had an ounce of restraint._

"_You said that, but have yet to suggest an alternative." She palmed my crotch as she spoke, unzipping my pants._

"_Fuck it!"_

_I traded spots with Bella, pinning her roughly against the wall. Her leg hitched up and around my hip as I yanked her halter dress down and her breasts tumbled free. My mouth found a nipple; my tongue wicked in its pursuit, resulting in more growls from both of us._

_Pulling her dress back up, I kissed her mouth - softer this time but no less passionate. After we parted, I demanded she remove her panties – which she did willingly - as I freed myself._

"_Bella." I breathed heavily on her neck as I spoke. "If you want me to stop, you need to tell me now."_

"_Don't. Fucking. Stop." She was begging, and I loved it._

"_Thank fuck, because I don't think I can." My voice was strained as my fingers found their way inside her - slippery, warm, and so fucking wet. Bella purred moans into my ear._

"_Just fuck me already." I loved that she wasn't polite in asking._

_"Hold on tight, baby." I lifted Bella up, sliding her up against the wall. As her hands went around my neck, her legs wrapped tightly about my waist._

"_My shoes!"_

"_Leave them." I barked as I slid home. Bella gasped and I asked if she was okay, worried I was hurting her. She assured me she was fine so I continued, pulling out and slamming back in repeatedly. It was harder and rougher than I'd ever fucked anyone before but I felt as though I had no control. Honestly, I loved every second of it. As I pounded into her, her back hit against the wall again and again. I wasn't gentle and Bella assured me she didn't want me to be._

_I found a rhythm that matched the beat of the song that was playing, fucking to the bass - thumping and thrusting in synch to the music. I felt her orgasm rip through her at the same time mine did. Afterwards, Bella buried her head in the crook of my neck, her ragged breath against my shoulder. Once her feet were on the ground, Bella politely thanked me, which made me laugh._

_Before we went back to the dance floor Bella smoothed down her dress and I attempted to fix my hair. It was a fruitless attempt on both parts to look like we hadn't just fucked in a stairwell of a club._

Jake cleared his throat to entice me out of my trance.

"I don't need specifics but I can guess your relationship was initially sexually charged."

"You could say that." I should have been smiling at the memory but it only served to make me sad because it was a lifetime ago that we'd had that sort of unbridled passion.

"Did you two ever go back and have the conventional first date kind of date? Go out for coffee and talk?"

"Bella doesn't like to drink coffee."

Jake smiled. "It was hypothetical question, Edward. I remember my first date with Leah. We went out for a nice dinner and then for a walk. We stopped in at a little café for a coffee and stayed there until we were kicked out at two a.m. I brought her back to my place and we talked some more."

"Just talked?" I was skeptical but Jake confirmed that's what they did.

"Yeah, we just talked - about anything and everything. In fact, I didn't even kiss her that night. We talked about our college days, high school, and our childhoods. I found out her favorite color was yellow, that she thought _The Simpsons_ was the dumbest show ever made, which happens to be one of my faves. I found out all the little insignificant things about her. I've never forgotten that night or the things I learned about her."

"Bella and I never had a night quite like that but I think we know each other fairly well."

"Okay, let's play a game. I want you both to answer the following questions – not helping each other out. What's her favorite color?"

"Green."

"His?"

"Blue."

"Favorite meal?"

"Lasagna."

"She loves Indian butter chicken."

"First girlfriend/boyfriend's name?"

"Tanya."

"Tyler."

"Best friend from elementary school?"

"Melanie or Melody something-or-other." I couldn't remember. Where was Jake even going with this?

"Melanie Jones. "

Bella smiled at whatever memory came to her regarding her and Melanie. Then she frowned slightly. "I'm sorry, I don't know Edward's best friend from elementary school."

I waved it off as not being important. The truth was that I didn't have one.

"Best friend from high school, then?"

"That's easy, they're still friends - Nessie."

Again, Bella looked perplexed.

"I have no idea."

"What's your point, Jake?" I was trying to deflect it back to him; get us moving along.

"To be honest, Edward never talks about his life before me."

Jake glanced at me so I went on the defensive.

"That's not true. You know my dad's gay; left us when I was 14 or so. My mom died when I was 17, and I went to live with Carlisle. You know the important stuff."

"Who'd you go with to your senior prom?" Bella looked me square in the eye and waited for my response.

"Does it matter?"

"Well, now I'm curious."

"Maybe I didn't go."

"You didn't go to your senior prom? Everyone goes to their senior prom." Bella made it sound completely implausible that I didn't go.

"Who'd you go with?" By asking a question with a question, I hoped she'd forget that she'd asked me something.

"A guy named Alec."

"Did he try to get in your pants?"

"Edward!" Bella slapped my arm playfully.

"What? I'm just curious."

"No, he didn't. He was a perfect gentleman. He bought me a coral pink carnation corsage that totally clashed with my red dress."

As Bella laughed at the memory, my mind flashed back to the pale pink corsage my mom had helped me pick out for my elusive prom date. My memories went on to show my tearful rage as I ripped the petals off, cursing Jessica's name. How I demanded the limo driver pull over so I could stuff the stupid corsage into a garbage bin at Main and Cordova, wanting it out of my sight.

I hadn't thought about Jessica or the specifics of that night in a really long time. The few times I had thought about prom, I felt like I was removed from the feelings – like it happened to someone else. In that moment, sitting with Jake and Bella, I was 17 and feeling the hurt all over again.

It hit me that if only I'd known Bella back then, I could have had the time of my life instead of one of my worst memories. Maybe I wouldn't have been depressed; so lonely for so many years. I'd be a different man.

Reasonably, I knew that meeting Bella wouldn't have stopped my mom from dying but maybe, just maybe, the course of history would have been altered somehow. The thought of what could have been, if only I was living in a different time and place, stung. The pain made my heart ache and I had to blink back tears that threatened to tell my secrets.

Jake's concerned voice tugged me out of the painful memory.

"Where were you just now, Edward?"

I shook my head, keeping my eyes downcast.

"Nowhere."

"I don't think that was nowhere. Wherever you went just now was obviously a painful memory. Bella and I won't judge you. We're trying to understand what's going on with you."

I lifted my eyes and looked at Jake. Though I didn't exactly consider him a friend, his brow was furrowed, concern etched into the creases of his forehead. He nodded, trying to encourage me to speak.

Looking over at Bella, her eyes told me she cared but I wasn't sure if I could tell the secrets of my past. I didn't know if my wife would still want to be with me after she knew the truth.

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**Thank you for reading. I always look forward to and reply to your comments, if you chose to leave them.**

**My thanks to Lolo84 for pre-reading xo**

**Capricorn75, you're more than just my beta. I can't thank you enough for your late night discussions about this. Love you!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

Edward and I have been together for seven years. I thought I knew him but sitting in Jake's office, seeing the obvious pain my husband was in, I realized I was missing a big part of the picture. In our time together, I've learned so little about him. Sure, I know the basics – favorite movie, food, sex position, et cetera – but that's all superficial. Any time I've asked about his past, he's laughed it off or changed the subject, and I've let him. I thought it didn't matter and honestly, it never really bothered me.

Until now.

I'm guessing it wasn't easy for him to grow up in a small town as the son of a gay man who left his family for his lover. Pretty sure he endured some teasing for a while about that, but Edward's not one to take being picked on. Once, at the playground, a little boy pushed Audrey so he could go down the slide first. Edward was right there, lecturing the kid about manners and respect while his mother apologized profusely. Edward was angry, I could tell, and told the woman he didn't take bullying lightly. I had brushed it off as him being an overprotective dad but now I wondered if there was more to it than that.

When I told him and Jake about my prom experience, Edward left us. His jaw clenched and I saw him squeeze his fists together. When Jake brought him back to the present, I could tell he was angry about where he'd been but there was also a glimmer of tears in his eyes. Wherever he was, it was a painful memory. I encouraged him to continue because whatever it was, it was something that had haunted him then, maybe still did. Perhaps knowing his secret would shed light on the problems in our marriage. I had to know.

"Please, Edward. Talk to me."

**Edward POV**

I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell her that I was such a loser I was stood up on prom night. Bella had said _everyone_ goes to their senior prom. Yeah, everyone except zit-faced, stuttering, gangly, nerdy, loser Edward Cullen. I thought I'd buried him long ago but Bella pleading with me brought him right to the surface and I felt the hurt all over again.

Both Jake and Bella waited patiently for me to answer. I shrugged them off with a low chuckle and a wave of my hand.

"I was just getting nostalgic is all. I'm fine."

"Really?" Jake sounded skeptical so I threw him a bone.

"Come on, don't we all have a secret that would break someone's heart?"

Jake looked thoughtful. "Perhaps divulging a secret like that will relieve you of a burden?"

Damn him for going all Mr-I'm-a-Psychologist on me.

"Edward, what is it? You've never told me anything about your childhood or time in Forks. In fact, you've never wanted to go back, even for a visit. I mean, you grew up there. Don't you have any desire to go home?"

I snorted. "None."

"What happened there that you don't want to share? It's more than your mom's death, I can tell." Bella reached for my hand, the concern she was feeling was evident in her warming touch.

"It's nothing."

"Please, tell me."

I shook my head. "All that matters is that I'm happy now."

As I was trying to find a way to talk my way out of a full confession, Jake interrupted.

"I'm a closet John Mayer fan."

I quirked my eyebrow at Jake's out-of-left-field statement.

"See, I was right – we all have secrets that would break someone's heart. That's sad, man." As I joked, Jake smiled.

"A few years back, he did an interview with Rolling Stone magazine and he said something that's always stuck with me. I'm paraphrasing but it was along the lines of: 'The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. You know, when sad tries to bite its lip and not cry but smiles and says, No, I'm happy. That's when it's really sad.'"

I snorted quietly at him politely calling me out on my bullshit. Jake sat across from me with a smug look on his face knowing exactly what he was doing. Maybe he was worth the money we were paying him after all. Smart fucker.

"Fine. When Bella was talking about going to prom with what's-his-face, it brought up some bad memories."

The raised eyebrows of both Bella and Jake assured me I wasn't getting off that easily, so I continued.

"This is so stupid. I don't even know why I'm dwelling on something that happened a lifetime ago."

"It's not stupid if it's still something that bothers you. Can you tell me why my prom story dredged up such bad memories? Please?"

Against my better judgment, I spilled my guts. Slowly, at first, and then it all tumbled out of me like water rushing from a tap. I'd held it all in for so many years that once I started, I couldn't stop. I confessed everything, starting at the very beginning with being chosen last for teams in elementary school, progressing through to tell them about the buck teeth, acne, and awkwardness. The lack of friends or confidents. How my mom was not only my best friend, she was my only.

I told them about my dad leaving – nothing new for Bella to hear - then shared of the relentless taunting I endured because of his sexual preference; my wife had no idea.

Not all the memories were bad. I smiled when I told them of one of Carlisle's trips home where he had a brotherly talk with me about having no regrets and how that gave me the courage to ask Jessica Stanley to the prom. Bella smiled when I said she'd agreed to go with me - only because she didn't know the outcome.

"Aww, I bet you looked adorable in your tux."

"You bet – all gangly, six feet three inches of me. Anyway, I showed up at her house in a white stretch limo and introduced myself to her mom."

Bella was grinning from ear-to-ear like she was so proud of me. I swallowed the lump in my throat before I continued.

"And Mrs. Stanley politely told me that Jessica had left for prom with her date already."

You know how they say you can hear a pin drop? Pretty sure in that moment, I could have. It took a minute for any of us to find our voice. It was Bella who spoke first.

"She….Are you saying Jessica stood **you **up for your senior prom?"

I nodded. "Yep."

"What a cunt!"

Normally so composed, Jake burst out a short, snorted laugh, then quickly apologized. "I'm sorry. I don't know you that well, but that was not the Bella I've come to know!"

"I'm sorry, but that's just unbelievable! I want to find her and bitch slap her silly. Oh, Edward, what did you do?"

I told them about the rest of the night. How I feigned being at the wrong house as I made a beeline for the sanctity of the limo; that I was driven around for hours with me snot sobbing and cursing not only Jessica, but my pathetic life in general. How I tore the stupid corsage to shreds pretending I was ripping each and every strand of hair off that bitch's head.

I admitted to going home and lying to my mom's face about how wonderful my night was. I explained that I made up the details of Jessica's dress, the decorations, and most embarrassing, how I'd made up my first kiss just to see that look of joy in my mom's eyes. To this day, I still had no regrets about any my lies because at least my mom died with a feeling of hopefulness for me.

And finally, I cried when I recounted the story of my mom dying in front of me shortly after that night. Her death left me completely alone, scared shitless, and broken.

The culmination of years of not crying - of not remembering – poured out of my heart by way of a thousand tears. I couldn't look at Jake or Bella, not wanting to see the pity in their eyes. It was a long while before anyone spoke.

"Wow. Edward. I – I never knew any of that. Your mom…she died…right after that? And right in front of you? Oh my God." Her words were filled with so much empathy that it hurt so much more. I couldn't speak, only nodded.

"I'm so sorry. And I had no idea about the bullying; it breaks my heart." I found myself wrapped in a hug; wrapped in her love. Bella's hushed words alternated between 'I'm sorry' and 'I love you'. Both gave me comfort. Jake let us have a moment and when we broke apart, he spoke.

"I can see how Bella's happy prom recollection brought up a bunch of bad memories for you."

"It did, but it was more than that." I paused and scratched my head. I didn't want to admit what I'd been thinking and have them want to commit me.

"Tell us, Edward."

Fuck it, I'd gone this far.

"I thought if I'd known Bella back then, maybe things would have been different."

"Do you think that knowing Bella would have saved your mom?"

"Maybe. I don't know. Perhaps it would have saved me."

"I wish I could have, Edward."

Bella's fingers squeezed mine and I wanted her to reach into my heart and steal the pain away.

"Truthfully, the next few years were hell. Yeah, I was bullied for years at school, but my mom still always made me feel like I was loved. I was rejected by my father and by my peers. And then the one person who loved me unconditionally left me, too."

"She didn't leave you willingly. I know a mother's love, and I bet she would have given anything to stay with you."

I nodded at Bella's statement because it was a nice thought to hold onto. I continued to bring the story full circle, for Jake's benefit.

"After Mom died, Carlisle came from Seattle and took over. He sold the house, packed everything up, and moved me in with him and Esme. I pretended everything was fine, but it really wasn't. Sound familiar?"

I looked at Bella and she nodded, she knew all too well the game we'd been playing.

"I was lonely- but more than that, I was sad. Not the kind of sadness where you cry all the time, but more of the sadness that overwhelms your entire body, leaves your heart aching and your stomach empty. It makes you feel weak and tired, but you can't sleep 'cause the emptiness is in your dreams, too. It's like a sadness you can't escape. It wasn't that I ever thought about suicide, because that wasn't an idea I ever entertained, but I never thought about actually_ living_, you know?"

The whole time I was speaking of my depression, Jake nodded. I saw the hint of tears in his eyes and knew he understood the place of darkness where I had been. Like the John Mayer quote Jake shared, the saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be. When everyone thinks you're doing okay but you're really drowning in your unhappiness.

"How did you change? Become this confident Edward I know and love?"

My mind wandered back to my make over with Esme, and I recounted the story. I blushed when I told of misreading her kindness for more. Like my sister-in-law, neither Bella nor Jake laughed at me. Their compassion led to me telling how I was virgin until I was 20 or so and then of my life-changing relationship with Tanya, who was so patient, kind and loving, and taught me so much. To a lesser degree, both Angela and Bree played a part in who I was as well. I didn't go into the intimate sexual details because that was far too embarrassing.

"I believe everything in life happens for a reason. Every event shapes us into who we are meant to be." Jake said matter-of-fact.

"You can say that even after your wife died?" Bella asked in a quiet voice and he nodded.

"I'm a man of faith. I believe in God - in a higher power that knows more about what's supposed to happen than I do. He knows I miss Leah, and I will from now until we are together again for our forever. I'm so blessed to have had what little time I did with her here on earth. And although I think it's unfair that God called her home, that she had to leave Seth and me, in my heart I know she came here to do what she was meant to do."

"What exactly was she meant to do?" Bella looked confused but I was starting to understand.

"Leah taught me more about life, love, and being a gentle soul than anyone else. Her love of God, for us, and our son molded me to be who I am. I'm not saying I was an asshole before, but I was a bachelor for 31 years. I wasn't exactly a saint. Leah changed me – for the better, and I'm forever indebted to her for her love. It was like I was always waiting for her to come into my life to make me who I am right now."

Like pieces of a puzzle, all at once things clicked for me. Jake's words made sense.

"Edward, you're nodding."

"Until now, I didn't get it. I've always been bitter about my childhood, about my dad and Jessica. But listening to you talk about your wife - I get it. I totally fucking get it."

Jake and I exchanged knowing looks while poor Bella looked confused. "I'm missing something because I don't get it."

"Right now I understand that everything in my life has led me to you, Bella. My choices, my heartaches, even my regrets. Everything. And now that we're together, my past seems worth it. It doesn't take away the pain of it but at least I feel like it all makes sense now. Because if I had done even one thing differently, I might never have met you - the love of my life."

What a sight the three of us must have been – sitting around with tears in our eyes. Hell, who am I kidding – I was bawling like a baby, as was Jake. Bella was actually faring the best out of us. If tears were a discount, the next few sessions would have been free.

There were tears for all the times I couldn't cry when I was younger, and tears for the happiness that Bella had brought into my life. I wished I could have realized earlier that feeling the lowest of the lows was to serve to make me appreciate the highest of highs with Bella all the more.

I wiped away my tears and sort of laughed a little.

"Damn it, Jake, you sure know what you're doing, man."

"Eh, I really just fake it most of the time. Throw out a 'how does that make you feel' or a John Mayer quote once in a while. Today I fluked out and got a breakthrough, I guess. Go me."

His candid un-professionalism made me smile.

"In all seriousness, Edward, this explains a lot about who you are and how you relate to people. It certainly explains your intense need to be taken care of. You're trying your best to be a husband and father but that was never really clearly defined for you because your father wasn't a good role model for you. I'm very glad you felt comfortable enough to open up and share."

I wiped away my tears. "Yeah, well maybe next week we can get Bella talking about some deep dark secret and make her sob like a baby instead. This isn't exactly very masculine."

Jake rubbed his hands together and grinned at my wife. "I can't wait!"

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**Aren't you proud of Edward? **

**Thank you to: Lolo84 my pre-reader, Capricorn75 my Beta and to each of you for reading.**

**I hope you'll leave a review? I'd love to talk with you!**


	12. Chapter 12

**I can't tell you how much I loved the reviews from last chapter. I'm so glad you were proud of Edward for talking about his past. All because of Jake and his love for John Mayer LOL. This chapter starts with a some thoughts from Bella first, then Edward takes over.**

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**Chapter 12**

Leaving Jake's office, I was left feeling many different emotions but an overwhelming sadness for Edward was first and foremost. I had no idea what he'd gone through as a kid. As his wife, I should have known; I should have insisted he tell me more about his past instead of letting him blow it off every time I asked. Obviously I couldn't have changed his past by knowing about it, but there was this guilt eating at my conscious that maybe I could have done_...something_. Perhaps I could have been more understanding of his need to be taken care of, or helped him somehow.

Driving home in separate cars, Edward and I talked on our cell phones the whole ride. I must have apologized ten times, and each time Edward told me I was being ridiculous and that it was his choice to keep the secret from me. If that was supposed to make me feel better, it didn't. It just made me feel sad that he didn't trust me enough to share. Once again, Edward told me it wasn't about trust- it was about opening himself up to the wounds from his past, and he had not been ready to face that. But he was now, and assured me we would talk more after we got home. I was ready to support him. More than ready to love him again.

**Edward POV **

After our therapy session, I was emotionally exhausted. I called Carlisle to ask if he minded me taking the rest of the afternoon off, and he graciously agreed. Back at home, Esme, who'd been looking after the girls, saw my tired-looking face and asked if everything was okay. I gave her a half smile.

"It's good. It was a hard session today. I, uh, told Bella everything about my life in Forks."

I didn't need to say anything more, Esme understood. She placed her hand on my arm, giving a little squeeze. No words because they weren't necessary between us.

"So, I know it's short notice and I meant to ask earlier but … I was wondering if the girls could have a sleepover at my house tonight? I rented a princess movie and it's not much fun to watch that with Carlisle, you know."

Esme was making it up on the fly, I could tell. She knew Bella and I would benefit from some couple time. My wife and I looked at each other as we entertained the idea. The girls had never had a sleepover before**,** but they were both very comfortable around my brother and Esme.

"You know they may not sleep through the night?" Bella warned.

"That's fine."

"And they wake up early?"

"Carlisle won't mind." Esme winked at me because we both knew he was not a morning person.

"And—"

"Bella, it's not an issue, I promise. I really want to watch Barbie and the Diamond Castle, and it'll be fun to see it with my two adorable nieces."

How can you refuse an auntie's request? With no children of their own, Carlisle and Esme really did love our kids unconditionally. Bella asked the girls if they wanted a sleepover with Auntie Esme and Uncle Carlisle and they immediately started jumping up and down in anticipation. We took that as a yes.

We packed an overnightbag, which was actually a full sized suitcase, and traded cars. Bella and I waved from the front door and the twins grinned and waved from the back seat, clearly excited.

In their absence, the house felt different. Not only was it quiet, there was no distraction of the kids to divert our attention away from what was important - us. It was nice, but also strange. I wasn't used to feeling so vulnerable around people anymore, especially Bella. I felt stripped and bare. It's easy to take off your clothes and have sex; people do it all the time. But baring your soul to someone, even someone you love, letting him or her into your deepest thoughts and fears - that's being naked. And I truly felt naked.

There was a part of me that feared Bella would think our whole relationship had been a farce because I'd hidden my past from her. Did she think I was still a loser; just a whiney mama's boy? But Bella made it very clear that she loved me then, and she still loved me, maybe more than ever.

She loved me. Those words made me feel comfortable enough to share more with her.

We ended up ordering in Chinese food and sat at the kitchen table, literally talking for hours. Bella listened attentively while I rambled and she asked some hard questions of me as well. One that almost stumped me was when she asked if I had any happy childhood memories. Sadly, it took me a minute.

I remembered going out into the forest to cut down our Christmas tree one year – I was maybe five or six. The four of us had a snowball fight while we were out there and when we got home, my mom made hot chocolate with marshmallows. We sipped our drinks and decorated the tree as the Christmas music played from my dad's old stereo.

But mostly, my memories are either of my parents fighting or me being picked on. My first account of bullying started back in elementary school when people called me four-eyes. I cried to my mom, who told me my glasses made me look smart. My dad essentially told me to suck it up.

One of the hardest things for me to admit to Bella was my father's affairs. When she asked why that was harder than anything else I explained it was simply because I didn't want her to think that was any reflection of me. You know – like father, like son. Though we may have had problems in our marriage and our own relationship had an unconventional start, I would never, ever cheat on my wife. Bella assured me she never thought I'd betray her that way – no matter how bad things got between us. And then she clarified she would never do that to our children or me. She'd grown up without a father and never wanted that for our girls. Good to know we were on the same page.

We talked a little about my lack of relationship with my dad. To clarify, it was never about him being gay. I had no issues with that whatsoever. It stemmed solely with how he treated my mother. His lack of respect still disgusted me. The fact that he expected her to keep up the happy façade for the stupid gossip mongers in the little town we lived in pissed me off. Like I was bullied, mom was, too and it was that which spurned my dislike of him more than anything else.

When my blood started to boil while talking about my father, Bella asked me to tell her about mom. I smiled because any happy memories of my childhood were a direct result of her. I'd come home after an especially difficult day and often, my mom would be waiting with a hug and usually a plate of freshly baked cookies. I'd eat them all as I poured my heart out to her. And I wondered why I had a weight problem. It was those damn cookies and the emotional baggage.

Though a part of me died when she did, Esme and Carlisle helped heal me little by little. Tanya, Angela, and Bree served their purpose as well. But Bella, my beautiful Bella, is what made me whole.

As that realization hit me, I started to regret not valuing the work my wife did. Not only in her day-to-day life raising our children and taking care of our household but the bigger picture – the work she had done in me. More importantly - within my soul. Like my father disrespected my mother, I'd done the same to my wife. Suddenly, I was feeling so ashamed of my actions and of myself. I needed to make it up to her, somehow.

"Hey, would you like a massage?"

Bella looked at me, clearly perplexed. "W-what?"

"I want to give you a massage. And I know what you're thinking – that it'll turn into sex."

Because quite often it did.

"But I really just want to make you feel good. Loved; cherished. Because you are, and I don't tell you nearly enough and I certainly haven't shown you how much you're appreciated."

Tears welled up in Bella's eyes as she sat there; silently staring at me across the table.

"Thank you, Edward. You have no idea how much hearing that means to me."

She stood up, as did I, and we hugged for a long time. Her chest to mine, her arms around my neck, mine around her waist. And it felt good, so fucking good, to hold her close. We pulled apart and for a moment, stared into each other's eyes. Bella truly was beautiful with her soulful brown eyes, and kissable lips.

And damn it, I really wanted to kiss her. I was torn because I'd just told her my motivation wasn't sex and if I kissed her I was sure she'd think I was a liar. Instead, I drew the back of my hand down the side of her face. Her bottom lip disappeared into her mouth and she nibbled it slightly. I had to ask.

"Uh…would it be okay if I kissed you?"

Bella raised one shoulder and tilted her head to the side at the same time. What the hell was that supposed to mean? It wasn't a 'yes' and it wasn't a 'no'. To kiss or not to kiss, that was the question. Fuck! I was in kiss limbo - with my own wife. How pathetic was that? I called myself an idiot and contemplated going in but still hesitated.

My thought process was abruptly interrupted as Bella threw herself back into my arms, kissing me roughly. I let her, obviously. When she finally pulled away, we were both left with swollen lips. I didn't mind. In fact, it felt good from my fingers to my toes to, well, somewhere else.

"Was that okay?" Bella asked then smiled as she saw me awkwardly adjust myself.

"It was perfect. I wasn't sure if I should kiss you."

"Kind of sad, don't you think, that you didn't know if you could kiss your own wife or not?" I smiled as I nodded at her before leading her up to our room. Bella asked to have a quick shower and I didn't mind having a few minutes to myself.

I made myself comfortable on the bed; fingers laced behind my head and stared up at the ceiling. Somehow, staring at the white canvas overhead made my mind feel peaceful as I had some downtime.

Bella's kiss left me grinning and wanting more. Not only wanting more kisses but more closeness, more Bella, more of what we used to have. Just more!

When she threw herself at me, knowing I could have refused her (though it was doubtful) she let herself be as vulnerable as I'd been feeling. I loved that she took a chance on me. On us, really. Being lip-to-lip, Bella welcomed me into her personal space, which had felt off limits for a long while. More than that, it was her way of telling me she still cared for me.

The placement of a kiss says a lot. Bella could have kissed me on the cheek, which symbolized obligation – like having to kiss your old, wrinkly Aunt Esther. A forehead kiss – comfort; nose – playful. On the neck, or the hollow of a throat – my personal penchant – screams of desire for much more. But on the lips simply equates love, at least it does for me. And that feeling of being loved is what left me smiling.

Well, Bella coming out of the en suite bathroom wrapped in a towel may have had something to do with my smile as well.

"I'm ready for my massage. If you're still up for giving me one." Bella held up a bottle of lotion with apprehension.

"Absolutely. Here, lay down." I moved off the bed to make room for her. Bella grabbed a pillow, bunching it up underneath her chest and made herself comfortable. Using the lotion, correction- body butter, I started my massage working from her feet up.

The first thing I noticed was that she'd had pretty feet again. They were super soft and her toes were painted a soft pink. Maybe it wasn't done for my benefit but it made me smile that she took the time to paint them - such a turn on.

My hands worked up one incredibly smooth calf at a time. Knowing her ticklish spot, I avoided the backs of her knees and used the right amount of pressure so it would feel good, not painful. Her hamstrings were tight so I kneaded them as well, my hands grazing the edge of the towel, which was covering her ass. I wasn't going to massage _there,_ though I so wanted to, believe me.

I wanted to work on her back next but the easiest way to do that was to straddle her. And I wasn't sure if that was the best idea so I asked permission.

"Can I, uh, straddle you? Only so I can massage your back, is that okay?"

Bella nodded and I moved into position, balancing myself more on my knees than her. I warmed some more lotion in my hands before I splayed my fingers on her lower back then slid up the length of her spine and back down again. A low groan of content escaped Bella's mouth as I continued massaging.

From experience, I knew what she liked – my thumbs pressing into the small of her back. I moved the towel down a little to hit the right spot; Bella's ass lifting slightly as I dug in. I had to look away because it was far too tempting. It would be too easy to wriggle out of my lounge pants and pound into her. But my pleasure wasn't what this was about. Taking care of my wife was more important.

Bella's neck and shoulders were really tight so I took extra time working those muscles. She was so quiet, I was certain she'd fallen asleep. I didn't mind, I wanted her to be that relaxed. I ended the massage by working on her arms, hands and fingers. Bella thanked me quietly as she rolled over not bothering to hold onto her towel revealing her nakedness to me.

Bella had never been supermodel 'perfect'. I use that word loosely because my definition doesn't match that of society. I loved Bella's post-baby body. She had curves where she should, and though her stomach wasn't a washboard I liked the suppleness of it. She even had stretch marks (not that I'd ever tell her I noticed them) but I loved them for they were a reminder of the journey she took to give me our babies. Honestly, she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever laid eyes on and I couldn't help but stare at her nakedness in awe.

"Thank you for the massage. Can I thank you back?" As she asked, Bella trailed a finger down to her breast, lazily circling her nipple, which automatically tightened in response.

I was tempted, the good Lord knows I was. It wasn't just about my body's natural desire to want to do that, the physical act of release. I also wanted to feel the ultimate connection with her. It had been absent for so long and I missed it. Most recently, when Bella denied me sex, it caused more of an emotional rejection than just frustration on my part. Having sex with someone you truly love is an experience far more intense and passionate than merely getting your rocks off, which is why, I suppose, it's called 'making love'.

I wanted that; craved it. Bad. You have no fucking idea.

But I covered Bella back up and shook my head. She looked confused until I explained.

"Bella, I want to reconnect with you, I really do. But I want to do it by sleeping with you. Not sex. Just cuddling up and actually sleeping. You and me. Together. Under our cocoon of blankets, with your hand on my chest, my arms wrapped around you, and our legs tangled up together. No kisses, no pressure, just sleeping in blissfully, happy silence."

I hoped I didn't sound like a complete idiot; praying that she understood I wasn't rejecting her. It was quite the opposite, in fact. I wanted her to know that I loved her, with or without the sex.

Thankfully, Bella nodded, understanding that I wanted to connect with her in a very basic, fundamental way. I peeled off my shirt and handed it over with a shy smile. She smiled back at me before slipping it over her head. Together we climbed under the crisp sheets, after I opened the window a bit to ensure we'd be cool enough to snuggle close all night.

Our bodies fit together like I'd forgotten they did. Husband and wife reunited. My arms held her close, my nose buried in her hair. Bella's head rested on my shoulder; hand on my chest, fingers absentmindedly playing with my chest hair. She rubbed her foot up and down my calf for a short while before she drifted off. The last words she uttered were 'I love you'. I smiled when I repeated them back, feeling it with every fibre of my being.

I didn't sleep for a long while. The feeling of contentment kept me company. I simply enjoyed the feeling of her in my arms, reveling in the simplicity of it. Our love was tangible in the room, and my hope for us was renewed.

It was better than I imagined.

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**Look at that, a chapter with fluff! I thought these two deserved it. It's not all fluff from here on out though, don't get too comfortable. I'll give you a little break again next chapter but I can't guarantee angst-free after that!**

**Many thanks to my friends Lolo84 and Capricorn75 for pre-reading, beta-ing, encouraging me and keeping it all real. **

**And thank YOU for reading and leaving such kind reviews. I appreciate your love so much!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Thank you for such kind reviews after the last chapter. I'm glad you enjoyed a bit of fluff. Let's find out what the next morning/week brought these two.**

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**Chapter 13**

Our non-sex night was amazing. It was probably the best sleep I'd had in a very long time. I felt rested, happier, and more in love than I felt possible.

There was a down side, though. The worst part about snuggling so close all night long was waking up horny as hell. Bella had her back against me, which was fine, but her shirt had ridden up and her bare ass was pressed right against my hardness. Correction, I was more than hard – I was rock fucking solid.

We both entertained the idea of a quickie. Or more accurately, Bella woke up to me poking her in the ass and started rubbing herself against me. Mid-kiss and Bella uttered a major faux pas - uttering another man's name in our bed.

Jake.

Seriously? What the fuck!

Apparently while my tongue was in her mouth, his words started echoing in her head about how we should abstain from sex. Fucking Jake. Cock-blocked by our therapist. Unfortunately, I understood what she was saying and didn't want to disappoint him as well. So, the bright side, I guess, was that we were both truly committed to getting our marriage back on track. After we agreed it was best if we listened to his advice from our first session, I got up.

"I'm, uh, going to grab a shower. A cold one." I ran my hand through my hair sheepishly. "Do you want to use the bathroom first?"

Bella nodded and got up. She walked passed me, into the en suite and I was pretty sure her hips swayed a hell of a lot more than necessary. She brushed her teeth, leaning over the counter to spit into the sink. Her shirt lifted up slightly, enough to give me a glimpse of her tight little ass. And it was pure torture.

I came up behind her, hands splayed on her hips briefly. Then I lifted the shirt an inch or two higher to reveal more of her backside. My lips pressed to the side of her neck; her head fell back against my chest. I took in our reflection in the mirror. My white t-shirt swallowed her but was the ultimate in sexy. I could see her nipples perked, taunting me, and her slender waist was accentuated by my hands on her hips. The tops of her thighs clearly visible. It was almost better not being able to see what I was missing out on. Her eyes were closed but I wanted her to see what I was seeing.

"Bella. Look at us."

Her eyes opened and met mine in the reflection. I smiled; she smiled back.

"This is us, you know, the old us."

Bella nodded and her smile grew.

"Feels good doesn't it?"

"It does, baby. I've missed this." My hands rose and cupped her breasts. "I've missed these, too."

Bella shook her head at me. "Edward," she warned in a tone that really didn't convince me. My thumbs rubbed her nipples as I raised one eyebrow at her.

"Come on, Jake'll never know." My lips pressed kisses along her exposed neck.

Bella removed my hands, kissing my palms sweetly as she denied me. Her action made the rejection hurt marginally less.

"I think you should have a shower, definitely a cold one, Mr. Cullen. But take your time, I need a few minutes myself, if you know what I mean." Bella wiggled her eyebrows at me and playfully slapped my ass before she left the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

Well, damn it! That certainly didn't help matters. Knowing she was going to be pleasuring herself while I was in the shower doing the exact same thing was cruel punishment. Jake and I would be having a chat about his fucking stupid abstaining idea at our next session for sure.

In the shower, conjuring up erotic pictures was easy. In my head, and probably in real time, Bella was back in bed. My shirt had been unceremoniously tossed to the ground and she was completely naked, lying back against our pillows. Like the reflection earlier, her head had fallen back, this time her dark hair fanned over the white pillowcase instead of my chest. Her eyes were closed. Her feet together, knees apart, the fingers of her right hand rubbing herself while her left hand pinched and tweaked her breasts.

Perhaps she couldn't rub fast enough or hard enough so she grabbed the trusty and favored rabbit from the drawer in her bedside table. She'd apply lube to the shaft of the toy before turning it on and sliding it into her warmth. Like my hand on my cock, the toy would be hard at work - sliding in and out, in and out, in and out. The vibration on her clit and the beads rotating inside her, hitting her G-spot, would cause her hips to buck up. Her mouth would open slightly and her eyes would squeeze closed as she inched closer to….

"FUCK!"

I wasn't quiet when I got my release, spilling generously into my hand. My left hand punched the tile wall out of blissful frustration.

Finishing in the shower, I took my time, not wanting to come out and see my vision come to life. When I finally emerged, Bella was dressed – thank God – with a smirk on her face. I jutted my chin at her.

"What's that look for?"

"Nothin'."

I grabbed her, pulling her into my arms and tickling her ribs playfully.

"Stop! Stop!"

"Tell me what your silly little grin was for then."

Bella blushed. "I heard you."

"Shouldn't I be the one blushing then?"

"We, uh, finished at the same time. It was like we were both in sync, you know?"

I admit I got a cocky grin on my face. "Baby, we've been in sync since day one."

With her in my arms, I started swaying to imaginary music as I reminisced about that night in the club. Our 'song' was as unconventional as us – 'Smack My Bitch Up' by Prodigy. I made a note to make a mixed CD for Bella and then chastised myself for wanting to do something so nerdy. I guessed that deep down I would always be _that _Edward. Bella noticed my change in disposition and questioned me.

"What's that face for?"

I shrugged. "I was just thinking I should make you a mixed CD of some of our significant songs but that's so stupid and dorky. Why would you—"

"I'd love that!"

"What? You would?"

"It's really romantic. Tyler did that for me once."

I growled under my breath and rolled my eyes. "Tyler, huh?"

Bella poked her finger in my chest. "Are you jealous?"

"Should I be?"

"No. Should I be jealous of Tanya, Angela, and Bree?"

Bella laughed at my snort. "Yeah, poor Tanya. She got the short end of the stick."

We continued to dance then made our way downstairs for breakfast. We talked about all the things my previous girlfriends taught me. It was sort of weird and slightly embarrassing to talk in detail about learning various intimate things**,** but I loved that I perfected everything with my wife. The best thing I mastered with her was loving with my whole heart, and after a night of strictly cuddling, I was more convinced of our love.

The rest of the week, Bella and I were good. Really good. We talked about how lonely Bella was being home all the time and I encouraged her to go to reading groups, form friendships with other moms and have play dates. We also vowed to talk about how we're feeling more often and especially to share when we were feeling lonely or sad because that's when we needed each other the most. For the first time in a long time, I felt content.

Jake was impressed with our progress. Our next session focused more on what we each 'expected' of the other and then how to let go of those expectations.

"You can have expectations of yourself but not of your spouse. When you have things planned out in your head and come home to the opposite, you have to remember that's your issue, not hers, or his. If Bella's had a bad day and needs a break as soon as you walk in the door, she can't assume you'll know this. And Edward you can't expect to come home to a pristine house because you have no idea what kind of day Bella had. Furthermore—"

I had to interrupt.

"This is great advice and all, Jake. And I, we, really appreciate it. But, uh, I was wondering if we could, you know… uh…get the go ahead to engage in some, uh…sexy times?"

I couldn't believe I'd just asked a virtual stranger for permission to fuck my wife.

Jake didn't answer but he did smirk; not in the good way but in the mocking sort of fashion. Bastard. There was nothing I wanted more than to wipe that grin off his face. I glared at him as I crossed my arms over my chest.

"Sexual frustration is a good thing. Enjoy the process of getting to know each other again. Kiss and hug and all that good stuff, but I'd really like to suggest you keep sex out of it for the time being. You just finished telling me about the amazing night of cuddling you had. Have more of them. Masturbate or -"

"Yeah, done that. Doesn't exactly replace the real deal, ya know?"

There was that friggin' smirk again. "Mutual masturbation, if you must**,** but waiting a bit longer won't hurt."

My snort interrupted him and I had to wonder if he remembered how painful blue balls could be. Jake narrowed his eyes right back at me, like he'd read my mind.

"I bet I've been abstinent a lot longer than you have, Edward."

"Fine, you win, but that was a low blow."

Jake smiled. "Yeah, I know. I'll probably use it again at some point, just so you know. We're almost done for today but I wanted to suggest maybe meeting again in three weeks time since you seem to be doing so well. Obviously, if you have any concerns, my door is always open."

"We must be your best students, huh?" I grinned.

"You've responded well to therapy, yes. It's really helped knowing about your past, Edward. I really do commend you for talking so openly about it. Now, I also wanted to assign a little homework to complete before we meet again."

"Because abstaining for three more weeks isn't enough of a challenge."

Bella rolled her eyes at my comment and Jake laughed as he continued.

"I'd like you each to plan a date night. I understand you have access to sitters and I'd like you to take advantage of that fact. It doesn't have to be anything fancy**,** but it does have to be a surprise. Try to come up with something you think would make the other happy. Do you think you can do that?"

Already my wheels were turning and I was nodding my head. I knew what would make my wife happy. And no, I wasn't lame enough to think a mixed CD would be enough. This was bigger than that**,** and it was going to take some courage on my part**,** but I was willing to try in an effort to give Bella a date she would remember.

Beside me, Bella answered affirmatively.

"I think we can do that."

"Great. See you in three weeks?"

I went back to the office after our session and asked Carlisle for his help. I'd been coping and doing things on my own for so long that it was actually hard for me to ask for assistance. Thankfully, my brother was more than willing to lend a hand and told me he was proud of me. The next weekend, I was going to face a fear in hopes of finding happiness, not only for Bella but for myself as well. I prayed I wouldn't crumble under the pressure.

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**Coming up - some of my personal favourite chapters, actually - I can't wait to share. Any guesses on what Edward has planned? **

**Lolo84 and Capricorn75 - thank you both so much. You're both amazing and such dear friends to me!**

**Much love to everyone who's reading, reviewing, and recommending my story - I appreciate it so much!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Loved all the reviews from last chapter - thank you for taking the time to leave your comments behind! xo  
**

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**Chapter 14**

When I said I needed Carlisle's help it was more in the emotional sense than anything else. And technically speaking, it wasn't exactly a date since I was bringing the kids, Esme, and Carlisle along with us**,** but I had a feeling Bella would be okay with things. She'd been nothing but supportive lately and I couldn't see that changing anytime soon.

I told Bella very little about our date, telling her it would be an over-night thing and that the whole family was going. She eyed me suspiciously and went about packing for herself and the girls. She asked questions about what to pack and raised of her eyebrows when I said to include hiking boots and our backpack kid carriers.

Early the following Saturday morning, we set off – us in our vehicle, Carlisle and Esme in theirs. Thank God for the DVD player in the back to keep the girls entertained- there was a long road ahead of us. Literally and figuratively.

"Are you going to tell me where we're going now?"

"Open the glove box**.** There's a clue in there and a small surprise, too."

Bella opened the glove box and took out my two wrapped gifts and I told her which one to open first. She tore off the paper and laughed when she saw it was a mixed CD.

"You're adorable."

"Yeah, yeah, more like adorkable. I put some of 'our' songs in it. A little Prodigy, Tupac, some 90s dance, you know."

Bella slipped the disc into the car stereo then ripped into the second gift. When it was open she looked at me as she held it up.

"Uh, thanks for the cutlery."

I laughed. "It's not cutlery. Well, it is, but it isn't. What are you holding?"

"Two forks. Or are they not actually forks?"

I loved that she was able to joke with me again. Love wasn't the only thing that had gone missing from our marriage. It was nice to have laughter back.

"Yes, they are forks." I looked over at her and waited for her to make the connection.

"Okay…you gave me two forks. Do they represent a fork in the road?"

"I guess they could. Like, us choosing to be happy again. It's more about a place though…"

"You – me – us. We're all going to Forks?" Bella asked incredulously.

I nodded.

"I haven't been back since my mom died. And you've never been. It's sort of a hole in the ground but it's a part of my past and I figured I couldn't avoid it forever. It's a stupid idea, isn't it?" Immediately I started to second guess myself but Bella quickly set me straight.

"Edward, it's not stupid at all! Why did we need hiking boots and the baby carriers though?"

"Carlisle and I figured it was time to spread my mom's ashes – set her free. Fuck, it's been 12 years; it's time. There's this place in Forks – well, in La Push actually – a short distance away. When we were kids my mom showed us this trail you can hike up. It takes you to these cliffs where the view is phenomenal. She always said there was something healing and magical about being near the ocean. I used to go up there a lot on bad days or just when I wanted some time alone hoping the ocean would do some magic." Bella reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze.

"Anyways, Carlisle and I both thought Mom would love that to be her final resting place."

"I'm really honored that you and Carlisle want to include me in something as personal as this."

"Why wouldn't we?"

"I never met your mom; and it's sort of personal, releasing someone's ashes."

"Bella, you're my wife and I need you there. You may not have ever met my mom, but she's a huge part of who I am. And this isn't just letting go of my mom, it's me letting go of all the hurt from my past. Honestly, I've never wanted to go back to Forks but it's time to face the demons. I need my angel at my side."

Bella smiled at that. It was a term of endearment I used to call her; I have no idea why I ever stopped.

"I'm scared shitless about going back. I have no idea if anyone from high school will still be around. And it's doubtful that even if I did run into someone they'd remember me anyway. But I really need you by my side – more than Carlisle and Esme. I need you to hold my hand, just like this, okay?"

Bella nodded as she blinked back tears for both of us.

"There's another place I want to show you – if I can find it. Carlisle and Esme said they'd watch the girls for us for a couple hours tomorrow so I can take you there."

"I'm really looking forward to this trip. Thank you for our date."

I scoffed at the word date but Bella told me it was very special for her to be included.

Just as I remembered, the trip felt like it took longer than it did. The ferry line up, one line highway, and getting stuck behind an RV going way under the speed limit were all contributing factors. Finally, we arrived at our hotel. We quickly unpacked and went out for a late lunch at the hotel restaurant. As directed by the sign, the six of us found our own seats.

It was weird to be in my hometown- well, the outskirts- after so many years away. Bella secured the dynamic duo into their highchairs as I looked around nervously. We were the only patrons but there were two staff members from what I could tell, both chatting behind the counter. I relaxed when I realized they were much older than me and there'd be no way they were old classmates who would recognize me. Carlisle, possibly, but I figured I was safe and relaxed a bit.

The man, who I assumed to be the chef, sported a beer belly, barely contained under his white apron. The lone waitress was also overweight, with frizzy brown hair wearing a drab brown dress, which I hoped was a uniform and not her outfit of choice. She snapped her gum loudly, a trait I loathed. Seeing us, the chef went back to the kitchen to anticipate our order and the waitress sauntered over to our table.

I saw her nametag first and for a brief moment had a slight heart attack. Jessica. The name alone was enough to make me shudder. I shook my head because what were the odds of that? Besides, this woman was much older than us, a fact that was apparent by the wrinkles that creased her forehead. In any case, I kept my head down, as I studied the menu, trying to decide on a burger or ribs.

"Hey. Welcome to Three Rivers Restaurant. Can I get you folks started on some drinks?"

I would have recognized her voice anywhere. Jessica Fucking Stanley. The fact that she was fat, aged far beyond her years, and working in a dingy restaurant in the shit-hole town we grew up in was of little consolation. As soon as I heard her voice, I was seventeen year old, insecure, nerdy Edward who was left standing red-faced on her doorstep.

Carlisle, Esme, and Bella were oblivious to the turmoil that was brewing within me. Bella ordered the girls milk and asked if the rest of us wanted some wine. I heard her, faintly, but couldn't find words to respond.

"Do you want wine? We could just order a bottle?"

"When has my brother ever not wanted alcohol?" Carlisle joked with a mocking tone and a snort.

"You're right, Carlisle, good point. We'll take a bottle of merlot, thanks."

"You got it, coming right up."

I couldn't move, except to clench my fist and my jaw simultaneously. When Jessica had gone back to the bar, Bella asked if I was okay and placed her hand on my bicep. Her touch startled me and I jerked away from her, eyes glaring.

"What is it? Do you know her?"

"I'll be outside." I hissed under my breath as I bolted from the restaurant, almost as fast as I'd left the scene of Jessica's doorstep on prom night. I needed to be alone, or at the very least, as far away from that bitch as possible. As I expected, I wasn't alone for long.

"Edward?" Bella's concerned voice came from behind me.

"I'm fine." I didn't apologize for my barking tone, nor did I turn around.

Arms wrapped around me, crossed against my chest. I know it was meant to be comforting but it felt suffocating instead.

"Please, Bella, don't."

I felt short of breath and every beat of my heart was physically painful. My vision became cloudy, like when you're watching a 'snowy' channel on TV. Inside my ears, there was a loud humming noise that resonated in my brain. It was disorientating and distracting, making me feel dizzy and lightheaded. I barely managed to stagger to sit down on the front steps, putting my head between my knees. It was a struggle to get fresh air into my lungs but the calm, reassuring voice of my Bella penetrated through the fog I was in.

"I'm right here, Edward. Right here. You're okay. Take a deep breath in for me. Good. Now let it out, nice and slow. Perfect. Deep breath in…and out. Exactly. I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere."

As she spoke, her hand rubbed circles on my back. I concentrated on the sound of her voice and the feeling of her touch as I fought to regain my composure. I have no idea how long it took but eventually, I was breathing normally again. I thanked her with my head still down, and though my words were muffled, Bella told me not to worry about it.

"That's her. Jessica." I managed to raise my head, scrubbing my hand over my face as I looked out in front of me. I couldn't stomach looking at Bella; I was so embarrassed for having a meltdown in front of her.

"I figured as much."

"I'm sorry for acting like I did. It's like you have three kids now, what with me acting like a two year old." I shook my head as I sort of laughed at myself. It was a technique I'd done often in school, one that I easily reverted back into.

"Edward, that was a classic panic attack, not a meltdown. And they're scary as fuck." Her hand massaged the nape of my neck as she spoke. I closed my eyes for a moment and tried to formulate an explanation.

"I – I wasn't…"

Apparently I needed another minute. I took it and Bella let me.

"I never expected to come face to face with anyone from school, let alone the girl who stripped me of the very last shred of dignity I had."

"Don't say that, Edward. She took nothing from you – don't let her. Remember our session with Jake? Where you said everything happens for a reason?"

I snorted. "That was then. Right now I feel like an idiot."

"Why? Here you are, with your beautiful kids and me, your wife who loves you beyond comprehension – remember that. You're highly successful, and gorgeous to boot. She's fat, old, and works in a dive. You've evolved from what you were; she's only deteriorated. I tell ya, karma's a bitch sometimes. It's sort of satisfying, no?"

Bella bumped her shoulders against me and I had to laugh at her words.

"I guess it is."

"I can't believe she was once pretty. Really? I'm going to have to see your yearbook, pal. I guess standards in Forks are a lot lower than the rest of the USA."

The way she said 'Forks' with such disgust was comical.

"You're the best, you know that, Bella? Thank you. For everything."

"I'm totally serious. Was the overweight chef her prom date?"

"I didn't get a good look at him but if his name is Mike Newton, then yes, he was."

"They make a cute couple."

Once again, she made me smile and I thanked her.

"No problem. Do you think you're ready to go back in?"

I nodded and got to my feet. Hand in hand, we walked back into the restaurant. I was about to come face to face with my first demon – Jessica Stanley.

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**Are you ready? I'm so looking forward to sharing the next chapter with you. Thanks for reading and taking the time to review - I appreciate your support so much!**

**Thanks Lolo84 and Capricorn75 for your friendship, guidance, and encouragement. I couldn't have done this without you.**

**PS: I'm on Twitter: VanCanuckGrl and Facebook: Vancouver CanuckGirl**


	15. Chapter 15

**A big thank you to each of you reading this little story! I so appreciate all your kind comments and reviews! Many thanks going out to Lolo84 and Capricorn75 for their continued help pre-reading and beta-ing. **

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**Chapter 15**

There are many reasons why I loved my mother. She was kind, compassionate, and wise beyond her years. She knew of my being bullied, to an large extent. There were some things I didn't share simply because they were too painful for me to admit even to her.

Mom was a 'the glass is half full' kind of woman. She always said brighter days were ahead. I scoffed then**,** but now I understand that she knew what she was talking about. Mom also told me, when the time came, to confront the dark parts of my life and to forgive. **"**One day,**"** she'd say, **"**you'll have to wrestle your demons and it will cause angels to sing. Use the pain in your heart as a reminder of your strength.**"**

Wise words.

Except as a seventeen-year old, forgiveness was not on my vocab list and the only wrestling I wanted to do back then was to put each and every person who ever picked on me into a headlock and punch their faces in.

Time is a blessing. It puts a barrier between you and the painful moments of your past. I've had years to deal with what happened back in school. But I disagree that time heals all wounds. It does lessen the pain but it leaves scars in its wake to remind you that you're a survivor. And that I was.

Having seen Jessica was a test, maybe even one my mom orchestrated all the way from heaven, who knows. What I did know was that I could do one of two things. Pretend I didn't know who she was or I could confront her.

My imagination had its own cheering section that wanted me to confront her; take that bitch down with my own nasty words. Call her an ugly, fat bitch and a hundred other names that aren't appropriate for everyday use. The satisfaction I would get from hurling those words around would feel so fucking good.

But there was a part of me that remembered how those words would hurt. I chewed them first hand and years later I still had the sour taste lingering in my mouth.

Ultimately, I chose not to do anything. Some may say that was the easy way out but they're wrong. Not fighting back was actually harder than it seems; biting your own tongue doesn't feel very good.

Jessica was just bringing the bottle of wine to the table so we either weren't outside for very long or she was extremely slow. Thankfully, Esme and Carlisle didn't give me a look of pity, instead acted as though nothing unusual happened. I took my seat and immediately started paying attention to the twins so I wouldn't have to look at Jessica. Just because I wasn't fighting back didn't mean I was going to torture myself.

Jessica casually asked Bella about the girls. It bothered me; I wanted to protect them from her.

"How old are they?"

Bella answered because my teeth were clenched.

"Twenty-seven months."

"Hi sweetie." She tried to make nice with Avery, who gave her an Edward-worthy I'm-not-impressed glare. That's my girl.

"They're adorable. So, what can I get for you guys?"

We each placed our order and then Jessica hesitated at the table for a moment. I thought she was going to clarify Carlisle's annoying order – he's the extra-mayo-no-mustard-no-onions-extra-pickles kind of guy. I wasn't prepared for her to speak to me directly.

"You look familiar…"

Beside me, Bella's back stiffened and I watched both Esme and Carlisle exchange silent glances. I shook my head at what I could only assume was God's divine intervention. Was he was testing me; wanting me to face my past? Surely there were other tests of character I could do? But no, Jessica was still standing there, trying to figure out who I was. I took a deep breath.

"I grew up here. My brother and I did, actually." I gestured toward Carlisle, hoping she would turn her attention to him instead.

"I did, too. You were one of the lucky ones who moved away huh?" She laughed though I could tell she was jealous of that fact.

"Yeah, one of the lucky ones. Something like that."

"What year did you graduate?"

She was trying hard to figure out who I was. I could have given her my name and solved the mystery but I answered her question instead.

"I didn't graduate. Well, here anyways. I finished up school in Seattle."

Jessica bit the end of her pen, staring at me with a critical eye. I ran my hands through my hair nervously, feeling very much like seventeen-year old Edward.

"I know I know you. What's your name? I'm Jess—"

"Jessica Stanley. Yeah, I know. I'm Edward Cullen."

I stuck my hand out to her as a proper introduction - scorned or not, I was still a gentleman and I was determined to ace God's test. I could be the bigger person here and make my mom proud. Jessica took my hand and shook it then did the unthinkable - pulled up a chair and sat down. She was so close our knees were just about touching. I almost flinched but kept my composure. Some how.

"Oh my god. Edward Cullen. Wow. No one ever knew what happened to you. One day you didn't come back to school; you disappeared. Did you just up and leave right after your mom died? Where'd you go? Were you all alone? What happened to you?"

I didn't owe her anything, let alone an explanation, but I found words coming out of my mouth.

"After Mom died, my brother picked me up and brought me to live with him in Seattle."

"You didn't tell anyone you were leaving?"

I was unsuccessful in disguising my snort.

"Who would I tell? It's not like I had any friends. Or anyone who'd care."

Momentarily I stunned her with my honesty. Good. I looked over at her. Her eyes were downcast focusing on her hands, which were fumbling with her pen. She didn't look at me and right then, I wanted her to so she could see the pain that I knew was reflected in my eyes. Confronting your past head on, hurts.

Bella, Esme, Carlisle, even Audrey and Avery were all quiet but I could feel their support radiating out to me. Back in high school, I'd been alone; I wasn't now. They would be my shield and protect me there was no doubt they would. I told myself it was now or never. I could let things be and not know or I could ask why she did what she did and maybe get some closure. My concern was she'd tell me something I wasn't prepared to hear and I'd be devastated.

And then I realized that no, I wouldn't be devastated. That was how it felt driving away from Forks without my mother. It was the sick feeling that shattered my core when I thought I was facing life without Bella and the girls. It was imagining how I'd feel if I walked away and _didn't_ ask. I needed to know.

"Why did you do it, Jessica?" My voice was surprisingly calm, though not much more than a whisper, and saying her name without malice burned my throat.

She didn't answer me right away, just sort of shrugged her shoulders up. That didn't satisfy me.

"This is my first time home since my mom died. There are more ghosts here than just her; things that have haunted me for 12 years. I think it's a fair question of me to ask you."

When she finally answered me, her voice was wavering as she tried hard not to cry. And hell, yes, I wanted her to cry because I wanted her to hurt a little. Okay, a lot. What can I say? I'm human - forgiveness doesn't come easy for me.

"I-I don't know."

"No! That's not good enough." I was angry and when my voice rose, Esme and Carlisle quietly took the girls outside. Bella, my angel, stayed. I'm sure she was biting her tongue but she remained silent by my side.

"Why would you say yes in the first place if you had no plans to go to prom with me?"

"You were so sweet when you asked. Too adorable; stumbling through your words. I said yes because I honestly wanted to go with you. You were a nice kid."

"But?" Impatient, I barked at her. I heard the sob escape her chest and it pissed me off because I just wanted her to answer me. I wasn't interested in a sob story. I had my own, thank you very much.

"It was high school, Edward. It was all about being popular. Maybe you don't understand that—"

"You're delusional if you think I, of all people, didn't want that. I would have settled for just being _liked_." My words weren't spoken in anger that time, they were simply the truth and I suspected that hurt her more than anything else. The steady stream of tears that dripped from Jessica's eyes onto her lap confirmed it.

"For the record I had planned on going with you, honest to God. And then my friends started making fun of me for it. I went with Mike and if it makes a difference, I had a shitty night because I felt so bad."

Sadly, it wasn't much of a consolation prize.

"And now you're all…you. Happy and looking fabulous with a gorgeous family of your own. Edward, I don't even remember what happiness feels like. Mike left me a year ago and moved out of state. I still live here, childless, and not by choice, in this hick town working this dead end job at a shitty little restaurant. I don't have any friends left here – being popular in high school means nothing after the fact."

She looked up at me then, her eyes filled with a sadness I felt in my bones. To clarify, I wasn't sad for her. I was sad because I knew exactly what she was feeling – like hell. It feels like you're dying of thirst though you have fresh water to drink. It's a hunger that's simply not satisfied with nutrients of the earth. It was deeper than all that, it was loneliness and a lack of connection with people on a very basic level. I remembered that feeling all too well.

"And now that you're here, I realize you may have been the one that got away. Sorry." She mumbled her apology to Bella.

Reaching for my wife's hand, I threaded my fingers with hers. I placed our hands on the tabletop for Jessica to see that we were united, for always. And I didn't mean for it to come across as spiteful, though it might have viewed that way. It was meant to show her that I found my happily ever after against the odds.

Despite the hatred in my heart, there was also room for compassion. Maybe even a little forgiveness.

"You can still be happy, Jessica. This doesn't have to be how your story ends. I thought my life was going in one direction but, with help, I made the decision to change. You can, too, if you want it. It's not easy but it's never too late."

Jessica frowned and nodded at me. I had nothing else to say to her about my past. Somehow, I felt at peace. Not because I knew she was hurting, but because I was hurting less.

"I, uh, think we're going to eat somewhere else, you understand. What do we owe for the wine?"

She waved it off. I thanked her and wished her the best of luck, and I meant it. You know how they say you wouldn't wish something on your worst enemy? She was right in front of me and seeing her suffering really didn't bring with it the satisfaction I thought it once would.

Bella and I left her sitting there alone. When we were at the front door, Bella stopped, turned around and addressed her one last time.

"Oh and Jessica? To be clear, Edward wasn't the one who got away. He was the one you failed to keep."

Fuck, I love my wife.

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**Thank you for reading! I'm so looking forward to your comments on this chapter. They aren't leaving Forks just yet, stay tuned!  
**


	16. Chapter 16

**Thank you so very much for your kind reviews last chapter! You know I love hearing from you. This chapter is on the shorter side but I think it needed to stand alone. Thanks Lolo84 for pre-reading and Capricorn75 for beta-ing. I tend to tweak long after I should stop so mistakes are on me.  
**

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**Chapter 16**

One of the inspirations in my life is a man named Eckhart Tolle. After he suffered through years of depression, he underwent an inner transformation. He found what he calls his bliss, oddly enough, through wandering without purpose or direction. Eckhart is now a spiritual author, German-born and Canadian resident. I don't hold that against him. One of the things he wrote which spoke to me was this:

_The test of being is a very simple question: Do I feel lighter and more joyful?_

After my confrontation with Jessica Stanley, I walked out of the restaurant feeling lighter, and though I wouldn't say I was joyful I was definitely happier. Stronger. I was coming out of the world of fear and sadness and gravitating toward joyful. I felt like I'd gotten some closure. And I felt good- really, really good.

And hungry.

We went to another restaurant and ate before setting out with what we came to Forks to do – release my mom's ashes. Back at the hotel, we changed into our hiking boots and got the girls into their backpack carriers. Though they weren't thrilled with being strapped in initially, soon enough they both fell asleep as we walked the somber paces of the trail at LaPush.

Carlisle held the box that housed the ashes and though it was morbid, we joked about him tripping and unceremoniously dropping them on the ground. Good luck was on our side and we made it to the top of the cliffs, the ashes unscathed. When we stepped out into the clearing, I felt like I was home.

Growing up in Forks, I spent a lot of time by the water. My classmates probably have similar memories of the ocean**,** but their recollections also entailed laughs by a roaring bonfire. Not me. I was high up on the bluffs, looking down with a longing to be a part of their fun. But more often than that, I would sit alone on the edge of the cliff, long legs dangling down, and simply stare out at the horizon.

The vastness of the Pacific never made me feel small or insignificant. Instead, I felt like I finally had a connection to something living. Each wave that crashed ashore felt like a shared breath; the ebb and flow giving me life. The ocean made me realize there was still beauty in the world despite the ugliness I experienced on a daily basis.

Often I'd lose all my senses; lose track of time as I was drawn deeper and deeper into the spell of the waves. There aren't words adequate enough for me to articulate the power of the ocean over my body, mind and soul. It was majestic and its healing powers were unrelenting and unbound.

On bad days, I'd tell her stories of my heartache**.** Then I'd watch in awe as the waves would pull the pain away from my chest, whispering to my heart that it would be okay. Some day.

Today was that day.

The salty mist caressed my face and made me smile, though it did a number on my already chaotic hair. And the smell. God, there's nothing like the sea air. I wanted to take it deep into my lungs and have it permeate me from the inside out.

As I stood on the bluffs, preparing to let my mother rest forevermore, I was once again mesmerized by the waves. I looked over at my family who flanked my sides and saw they, too, were affected by the alluring waves. I realized no one stands looking out at the vastness unaffected. No one is immune to its lust or impervious to her enchantment.

I knew, without a doubt, this was where my mother should rest for she was everything the ocean was to me. Elizabeth Cullen was my happiness, my breath of fresh air; my escape from reality.

"Let's do this**,**" I quietly said to my brother and he nodded. Carlisle opened the box and removed the plastic bag. If you've never seen cremated remains before, they don't resemble ashes at all. They look more like coarse beach sand; sandy white to gray in color and actually, sort of pretty.

"So, uh, how do we do this? Do you have a spoon or something?" I asked, unsure of the process.

Carlisle shrugged. "I dunno. I guess we just dump them out."

"We can't just unceremoniously dump them out. That's rude. And what if the wind kicks up? We'd get a mouthful of mom."

Carlisle shook his head at me. "Just take a handful and release them slowly, I guess."

I made a face. "We probably should have Googled this before we left home."

Esme and Bella respectfully took a step back as my brother and I both took a handful and prepared to do it.

"Wait! Is this legal? I mean it's not considered toxic waste or anything, is it?"

"Really, Edward?" My brother impatiently rolled his eyes at me.

"It's a valid question, Car. What if this is illegal?"

"Do you seriously think someone is going to find a tiny spec of mom and use DNA to trace it back to us? What are they going to do charge us with illegally disposing of a dead body? Or would it be disposing of a toxic material?"

When he said it like that, okay, my question sounded stupid. I waved for Carlisle to go first. He held his hand out over the edge, palm down and released her.

"Goodbye, mom. Rest in peace." He stood there for a moment before he stepped back and urged me forward.

Like him, I stood at the edge, but held my hand palm up, fingers closed, holding onto the tiny pieces of my mom for a little while longer. For the moment, I protected her from the wind like she protected me for so many years.

"Mom, I can't thank you enough for all you ever did for me. I admired you, looked up to you, and respected you like no other. More than anything, I love you, God so much. Thank you for teaching me about love. You were my angel on earth and now in heaven."

Slowly, I opened my fingers until my palm was flat. For a moment, the ashes stayed in my hand, almost like Mom didn't want to leave me, a thought that made me smile. A small gust of wind picked up a few pebbles and they lifted off my hand into the air. More followed, tentative at first and then in quick succession. I watched each and every piece of my mom being carried away until my hand was empty. Closing my eyes, I imagined each tiny spec of her free in the wind. And I felt at peace.

Carlisle draped his arm around my shoulders and I opened my eyes and smiled at him. Together we released the rest of the ashes into the wind.

When we were done, Esme looped her arm through her husband's, and Bella through mine, resting her head on my shoulder. Though I couldn't see the ashes blowing in the wind, I felt the goodness of my mom around me. Her breath was the wind at my ear, her voice the grains of salt which flecked in my hair. Her support was both Esme and Carlisle. More importantly, her love was manifested in Bella standing strong by my side.

"Birdie!" Audrey loudly exclaimed as she pointed. I hadn't even known she was awake she'd been so quiet. The ocean had probably pulled the twins into a trance as well.

We all looked where she pointed. An eagle swooped down from one of the treetops and with expansive wings spread wide, soared before us. Equally as majestic as the ocean below, the bird was a symbol of mom's beauty and the freedom we'd just given her. He stayed for but a minute but long enough to bring tears to my eyes. As he flew out of site, I said my final goodbye and 'I love you', my words swallowed up by the sound of the crashing waves but I know Mom heard me.

We walked back down the trail and I was proud of myself for facing another demon – letting go of my mom for good. No, not for good- just for the time being, because I knew I'd see her again one day.

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**One more chapter to come of their time in Forks (and my favorite one!) See you on Monday.**

**Thank you for reading and (hopefully) reviewing.**

**PS For those of you asking about my pregnancy, yes, I still am and it feels like I have been forever! My due date has changed to early April now (because every pregnant woman wants to be pregnant for an extra few weeks) but as of tomorrow I'm off on maternity leave for a year! I can't wait. Thank you for asking about me xo**


	17. Chapter 17

**Thank you for your reviews that brought tears to my eyes - and not just because I'm hormonal - you're all so sweet! As per usual, Lolo84 pre-reads, Capricorn75 is my beta. I tinker long after Cappie is done so the mistakes fall upon me. Love you girls!**

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**Chapter 17**

The bed at the hotel was lumpy and uncomfortable with cheap sheets and shitty pillows. And yet, I had one of the best nights sleep ever. I hadn't realized how much effort it took to carry around years of emotional baggage and it felt good to be without it.

After mom died, I left Forks with Carlisle in such a blur of emotions and denial. I never got to say a proper goodbye; never got to tell mom how much she meant to me. Honestly, I didn't realize how desperate my soul was for that closure. Standing on the bluffs, conversing with her and letting her go was liberating; healing.

And facing Jessica helped more than I realized as well. Though she wasn't the only one who'd hurt me, Jessica Stanley truly represented my breaking point. She was my last contact with the bullies before my life was drastically altered by my mom's passing. In making peace with Jessica, I made it with the others.

After breakfast the next morning, Bella and I left for our excursion. The girls were in the care of Esme and Carlisle, and were thrilled to be spending time with them and in the hotel pool. I still had a couple more demons to face and one special place I wanted to share with Bella.

One of the more painful things I had to do was drive through town. Everywhere I turned, there were reminders of some of my darkest days. I pointed out to Bella both my elementary and high schools were my bullying had been most prevalent. Went past the playing field where I'd been repeatedly chosen last for teams. I shook my head at the now run down corner store where some kid stole the money my mom had given me to buy a special treat.

_Let it go, Edward, let it go,_ was a constant mantra in my head.

Finally, I pulled up and stopped outside of my childhood home.

I didn't have to tell Bella where we were, she instinctively knew. She reached over and held my hand, a gesture I appreciated so much. The swing that used to hang from the tree in the front yard was gone. The hedge was now several feet taller. The paint on the house was no longer yellow, and the front door was much more modern in a dark wood and glass.

But the nostalgia of being home flooded back to me. I closed my eyes and remembered walking into the house after school. The smell of fresh baked cookies would often greet me before my mom did. I took a deep breath in, almost tasting the chocolate chips melting on my tongue.

Walking into our quaint little kitchen, Mom would drop whatever she was doing and envelop me into a hug. She was always warm and soft, smelling of the baking she'd been doing. The combination of those traits would make me close my eyes and I'd dissolve into her; the memory alone made me smile. Then she would pepper kisses on my face and welcome me home. When you're not wanted anywhere else, feeling such pure unequivocal love at home means the world to you.

Unfortunately, the vision of her crumbling to the floor as her last breaths left her lungs stabbed at my heart. With a balled up fist, I pushed away the tears and horrifying memories of that day. I refused to remember her that way. Instead, I chose to remember Mom standing on the porch the night of prom, tears in her eyes as she saw me off with a wave of her hand.

If I looked or sounded stupid whispering goodbye and waving to my house and memories, Bella didn't criticize me. Instead, she gave my hand another squeeze as I pulled away from the curb.

"Where are we going now? There doesn't seem to be much to this town."

"You've got that right. Everyone knows the ins and outs of Forks. Even when I'd go up to the highest bluffs, there were sometimes other people there. God, I hated that! I just wanted to be alone, but some asshole was in my space."

"So, where did you go then?"

I smiled at the pictures in my head. "I'm going to show you."

Navigating the road to La Push, I headed back to where we were the day before and parked in the same spot. We got out and I grabbed a blanket from the trunk, then reached for Bella's hand and lead the way up the trail. Instead of going to the clearing overlooking the ocean, I veered right. Bella raised an eyebrow, as I literally had to break branches to make a new pathway.

"Do you know where you're going?" Her voice was skeptical as she ducked under yet another branch.

"Back in the day, I knew the pathway like the back of my hand."

"And, uh, now?"

I shrugged. "Just trust me, okay?"

"I do."

We hiked along the uninhabited terrain for a half hour or so; with every step I was becoming more and more unsure of myself. It had been ten years since I'd been there- who knew what I might find. Perhaps I was naïve to think my special place was still untouched, but I was still hopeful.

When I finally pushed aside the last of the branches, I stepped back into my personal paradise. It wasn't as I remembered but, if possible, it was even more beautiful. As Bella came up beside me, I heard her breath catch in her throat as she walked into the small clearing. My first time there, I'd had a similar reaction.

I'd found this piece of heaven after some tourists had taken over my spot on the cliffs. That particular day, I needed time alone desperately. In anger, I hacked my way through the brushes, cursing the strangers who'd driven me away. After a while, I literally stumbled upon the small, circular meadow.

The trees that made up the perimeter were tall, but their branches didn't obscure the pocket of azure sky. The meadow itself was overrun with wildflowers of all colors. Tiny petals in violet, yellow, and soft white mingled amongst the tall green grass that swayed in the light breeze. God, that breeze – it still smelled divine; intoxicating, like fresh cut grass mixed with the smell of wet pavement in the dry heat of summer.

The ocean always let me feel powerful and strong – if only for a moment. The meadow left more of a lasting mark, leaving me feeling calm and relaxed for hours. And when you're a hurting soul, taking life minute by minute, an hour of peace was worth more than gold.

I thought surely something as perfect as the meadow wasn't an unknown in a small town like Forks. And yet, every time I went back, it was just as pristine and perfect as when I left. Seeing it a decade plus later still soothed my soul and apparently had a similar effect on Bella.

What a vision she was. Standing in the middle of my meadow, arms outstretched, head tipped to the sky. With the sun shining down on her ponytail, the strands were a myriad of varying shades of browns ranging from dark chocolate, to chestnut, to auburn. Simply stunning. When she opened her eyes, she caught me staring at her and her lips curved into a smile. Slowly, I walked across the meadow toward my wife.

"Edward, it's so beautiful here! How did you ever find this place?" Her voice was a whisper, almost as if she were scared it would somehow break the spell the meadow possessed.

I spread out the blanket, urging Bella to sit down among the grass and wildflowers with me. She smiled as I explained how I found the hidden gem by fluke and even after all the years, it was still apparently unknown.

"I loved that this place was solely mine. No one, not even my mom, knew it existed. When I came here I wasn't bullied, nerdy Edward. I was just me – the person I knew I was, the person I wished other people could see."

Countless times I'd been alone in the meadow, lying on my back with my fingers laced behind my head as I'd watch the clouds drift by. I'd hoped and prayed for someone to befriend me, to like me for who I was inside. I didn't need to be popular or have a bunch of acquaintances. All I wanted was one person I could walk home from school with, or meet up for a movie on a weekend. A buddy I could feel at ease with and not doubt their motives when they'd talk to me. All I wanted was a best friend I could be happy around. Just one.

"The person I see."

Bella's words struck through my melancholy memory with such poignancy I had to shake my head back to reality.

"Wh-what did you say?"

"The person you wished other people could see – that's all I see. It's who I fell in love with – who I still love."

She reached her hand out, pressing it against my cheek. I leaned into her touch and closed my eyes, blinking a few times to ensure she was real. Thankfully, she wasn't a figment of my imagination and each time I opened my eyes, she was right there, a smile playing on her lips.

The person I'd wished for had materialized right in front of me. God, I was one lucky bastard.

The tears slipped down my cheeks and Bella asked why I was crying. Shaking my head, I answered her.

"You. You're everything I ever wanted, everything I'd dream about. I can't believe I almost lost you. And yet, you're still here. With me."

"I'm here, baby. There's nowhere else I'd rather be. Let go of all that hurt, Edward. Leave it here."

I nodded my head slowly. "I'm trying."

"Let me help."

She leaned forward then and brought her mouth to mine. At first her touch was so feather light that if I hadn't known better, I would have thought she was just a dream. Her kiss became more intense, her lips sucking on my lower one, teeth slightly nipping.

With Bella's hands knotted in the hair at the nape of my neck, and mine around her waist, we continued to reconnect. We kissed like we didn't have a care in the world and right then, we didn't. Sharing perfect kisses, melding lips and tongues, and our mutual love and affection for each other was all that mattered.

Her hands started to roam; and mine followed suit. I touched the sides of her face, fingers splayed against her cheeks; hers loitered down my back. Her lips moved to trail up my jaw line and I shivered at the sensation as she nibbled on an ear lobe.

My thumbs sought out the bare skin under her t-shirt; I moaned when they found it – the softness of her stomach. My lips pressed to Bella's throat as her head fell back and eyes fluttered closed. I lightly licked and kissed my way along her clavicle, leaving delicious goose bumps raised in my wake.

As she stared at me with her undress-me eyes, Bella's hands tugged at the hem of my shirt and with a quirk of her eyebrow, I easily relented. She peeled the barrier of material away, much like she was peeling away the layers of hurt, leaving me bare but not vulnerable. Her mouth against mine urged me to lay back, half on the blanket, half in the grass and wildflowers.

As she hovered above me, I pulled out her ponytail holder letting her hair tumble down into a curtain framing her face. I tucked a few loose strands behind her ears so I could study her. Chocolate brown eyes that looked through to my soul. Lips that could kiss away pain. Her smile that made me desire her all the more. I needed her, not just to make me feel loved but to make me feel whole.

"Bella, please, make me forget." My words were begging of her but she shook her head leaving me confused.

"I don't want to make this about forgetting, Edward. I want this moment to be something you always remember."

Her words unraveled me from the inside out. I wanted, no, I _needed_ Bella to be the one to give me something wonderful to remember about the shitty town of Forks. I tugged aggressively at her shirt, eager to take it off, needing her as naked as I felt. When my fingers fumbled with the button on her jeans, she placed her hands on mine and stilled my movements.

"Ssshhh, there's no rush."

Bella lifted my hands above my head then brought her tender kisses to the planes of my chest. Her breath on my body made me the good kind of crazy. Her fingers were much more adept than mine and she unfastened my button fly with ease, ridding me of my pants and boxers.

As her lips traveled lower, her hair tickled down my chest. I'm pretty sure I felt every strand separately sweep down my abdomen. When she took me into her mouth, I wasn't sure if I could handle watching because the feeling alone was enough to put me over the edge.

But I did watch, through hooded eyes, because I didn't want to forget the moment. Not only the precise touch of her hands and every flick of her tongue. I wanted to memorize the size and shape of the clouds overhead, the melody of the birds that were singing off in the distance, the smell of the rain in the air.

In ten minutes/hours/or years, I wanted to be able to recall each and every minute, seemingly insignificant detail of the moment. My fingers twisted in her hair of silk, not tugging, just needing to feel that connection to keep it real.

When Bella finally rid herself of all her clothes, I insisted she be the one to lay down. I'd always admired her body but right then I had an overwhelming urge to revere it. Inch by delicious, perfect inch.

Instead of my hands, my lips caressed every inch of her, worshiping at such a slow pace that she began squirming beneath me.

I used her words against her, a smirking tone in my voice.

"Remember, baby, there's no rush."

She smiled then nodded, closing her eyes, surrendering to my touch. And touch I did.

Ten kisses for ten fingers. My mouth ghosting over the swells of her breasts and perked nipples. Our hands clasped together as I planted kisses around her half inny/half outty belly button.

With my mouth, lips, tongue, and teeth; nibbling and sucking, biting and licking - from the tips of her toes to the arch of her foot. Up her smooth, rounded calf, to the backs of her knees before I set her leg on my shoulder, opening her up to me.

My teeth grazed first her left then her right inner thigh as I merged closer to where I knew she needed me most desperately. Her hips bucked up and I smiled to myself, knowing it was my turn to drive her to the brink.

But first…

"You know, Jake said we shouldn't—"

"Edward Cullen. So help me if you don't continue right now…."

"I'm simply reminding you that he said we shouldn't have sex."

"Fuck Jake."

I wrinkled my nose at the thought. "Yeah, no thanks."

"Please. I may spontaneously combust if you don't continue."

"If you do then I'll know this – you - was all a dream." I chuckled but Bella was serious.

"This isn't a dream, Edward, I'm real. You're real." As she spoke, her hands meandered down her body. "My need is real."

She was touching herself, the index finger of her right hand pressed to her clit as she started circling. Her hips arched up, silently begging. Of course I would comply, after I watched for a bit. God, that was sexy. _She_ was sexy and all mine.

As Bella pleased herself, I assisted. My tongue flicked over her fingers and clit as she continued the rotations. Feather light kisses pressed against her skin. Two of my fingers found their way inside her, stretching and curling, in and out, in and out. And when I wasn't moving them fast enough, her left hand helped set the pace she wanted.

I felt her orgasm as she pulsed under my tongue, on my fingers, her hands now out of the way and gripping my hair. I gave her a minute to collect herself, bestowing kisses on her heaving chest.

Only when her eyes once again focused on mine did I bury myself into her warmth. The connection was sublime, almost surreal.

My movements started out slow and calculated but soon, too soon, I was lost in her. Our hands were everywhere, grasping and squeezing in all the right places. Our moans and general need weren't quiet, not that it mattered. But when she came again, she was silent, her mouth an 'O', eyes squeezed shut. Her pure beauty in that moment was all I needed and I spilled inside of her, praising both her name and God's simultaneously. I collapsed on her chest, beads of sweat dripping off our skin.

Her hands were once again on me, fingertips stroking at the nape of my neck and traveling up and down my back. Yet all I felt was love. Pure, all consuming, and unconditional love. It was too much. I was completely overwhelmed.

From out of nowhere, the tears started – mine, not hers. Bella held me tight as they fell onto her naked breasts, rolling from the peaks to the ground. As I released them it felt like each drop was absolving me of all the pain from my past. One by one, Mother Earth absorbed the misery on my behalf.

I felt like I'd come so far; learned so much. Forgiven some and let others go. Finally, I realized I did have worth and I could be strong. And if I wasn't, Bella would still be there for me, holding my hand, essentially holding me up.

Who knows how long we stayed there, breeze tickling over our sweat dampened skin. Time was inconsequential at that point. Eventually the clouds rolled in and though neither one of us wanted to leave, I knew Forks well enough. Soon the sky would open up and the rains would fall faster than my tears had.

Hand in hand, we left the meadow - _our_ meadow. We stopped briefly on the bluffs and said a final goodbye to my mom. But I was also saying goodbye to Forks. It was highly doubtful I'd ever come back again. There was nothing tying me to my hometown anymore, no more ghosts or fears I needed to conquer.

That final goodbye wasn't a sad one for me. I left behind a happy memory, feeling refreshed and absolutely at peace. With every goodbye, I was learning and I never looked back.

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**Thank you so much for reading - I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'd love to hear your thoughts, please review if you'd be so kind. **


	18. Chapter 18

**Once again, thank you for such kind reviews for the last chapter. I really wanted Edward to leave Forks not only with closure but happiness as well. Lolo84, my pre-reader - thank you! Capricorn75, my beta - thank you! Sorry I tinker after you're done xox**

Chapter 18

With Forks behind me, I felt like I had my life before me. I wasn't just being dramatic, I actually felt like I had a fresh lease on life.

That first week home after returning from Forks was great, almost post honeymoon-like for Bella and me. And I guess we were sort of riding on the coattails of bliss. On your honeymoon you spend a lot of time naked, and that's how I felt most of the time in Forks. I told my wife things no one else knew; things I was embarrassed to admit to myself. Not once did Bella treat me any differently, and she was so supportive. It was nice not to have any more secrets between us. I had no idea keeping things locked away weighed so heavily on my mind until I released it. Having Bella know all there was to know about me and_ still_ love me made me love her all the more.

Though she and I fell back into our regular routines, we stayed connected. I would come home from work and we'd sit down to dinner as a family. Or when we went out for a walk, we held hands as the girls ran ahead. And once the littles were in bed, Bella would snuggle up next to me and even though she was on her computer, I felt like she was still with me, if that makes sense.

Making love in our meadow was spectacular and probably one of the best moments of my entire life. And yet, Bella and I both felt guilty about it for letting Jake down. Ridiculous, yes, but we did. Jake's words about reconnecting without sex had gotten into our heads. Without a doubt, I know making love to my wife that day was the best thing for us in that moment. I had no regrets but the guilt was still there. Once home, we didn't have sex again, though we did continue to cuddle and kiss and I may or may not have jerked off more than usual. I was, however, planning on having a word with Jake about abstinence at our next session. Even still, with or without sex, life for us was a vast improvement upon what we'd been living.

And it almost went to shit a week and a half later.

Admittedly, I came home from work in a foul mood, which didn't help. One of our foremen didn't show up to a job site as planned, and when I arrived there were a dozen or so workers standing around with their thumbs up their asses. Time is money and I certainly don't like to lose money, so I started bossing everyone around.

Wouldn't you know it, that was the day OSHA just happened to come by and I was given a fine for not having steel-toed boots while on site. I argued with him because being that I was in a suit and tie, wasn't it obvious I wasn't supposed to be there working? He didn't exactly care. After I called him a power-tripping asshole, he handed me a second slip for not having a hard hat on. Fucker.

Back at the office, I bitched about the fines to Carlisle. Instead of supporting me, he proceeded to lecture me, big brother style. Shit about how I needed to learn to keep my cool because most likely OSHA would now be on our case about any minor infraction. In the middle of his lecture, our secretary interrupted to inform us that our shipping company was on the phone. Turns out, they sent our recent order to somewhere in Washington – as in D.C. Fucking idiots!

I took the call. Bad idea. I was already in a pissy mood and calling the guy on the other end of the line a dipshit wasn't exactly professional. Carlisle took the phone from me and had to smooth things over, leaving me feeling totally undermined. When he hung up the call, I lost it.

"For fuck's sake. Last I checked, shipping is my job, not yours."

"Well, when you start cussing out our main guys, I have to step in. You can't pull that shit, Edward. You should know better."

"You don't need to lecture me; I'm not a kid."

"Well, you were acting more like one than the owner of a company. It's called tact, little brother."

"Fuck you, Car. I'm just having an off day."

My brother shook his head. "Go home, Edward. Take a break from here."

I tried to argue, but he literally pushed me out the door. Whatever.

I called Bella on my way, telling her I had a shitty day and would be home soon. That was my subtle way of letting her know I needed some TLC.

She didn't get the memo.

Walking in the front door, the first thing I saw was that the house was a mess. It wasn't a normal mess, either. I'm talking disaster area, give-me-a-coronary fucking mess. Construction paper, glitter glue, felt pens, scissors and stickers littered the dining room. First of all, why the hell would Bella ever let two year olds use felt pens, and worse, fucking glitter and second, where the hell were they?

Closing my eyes, I remembered Jake's words of letting go of expectations. Perhaps Bella had a bad day too. I should cut her some slack. Except I could hear Bella and the girls laughing away despite the mess in their wake.

I followed the giggles and screeching up the stairs, through the kitchen, which still had the remnants of their lunch in the sink, passed the girls' messy bedroom, and up to the attic – what the hell?

"Bella? What are you doing?" She had a bunch of boxes and totes out and the girls were apparently playing dress up. Dress up when the house was a mess!

"Oh, nothing. The girls and I were just playing, weren't we?"

"Do you know you left a big mess in the kitchen? And dining room? And don't get me started on the girls' room."

"Yeah, sorry, we had a busy day, I guess."

It really irked me that she knew I had a bad day and hadn't even made an attempt to tidy up. I scrubbed my hand over my face.

"This is the last thing I wanted to come home to."

"What, your girls having fun? Come on, Edward. Go have a shower and I'll clean it all up. Relax."

"Relax." I snorted – easier said than done. She should know that I couldn't relax when the house was a sty.

Avery and Audrey grinned at me, dressed in old, ratty, mothball smelling clothes. Why had Bella even kept them after all those years?

"Pretty, Daddy?" Avery twirled around in the outfit she had on.

"You're prettier without those ugly clothes on, baby."

"Edward, these aren't ugly clothes." Bella's voice took on a scolding tone much like Carlisle's.

"Uh, yeah, they are. What would possess you to keep them in the first place?"

She shrugged. "Good memories."

I pulled out a concert tee shirt and raised an eyebrow at my wife when I saw it was a New Kids on the Block shirt. "New Kids, Bella? Really? I thought you had better taste than that."

Bella grabbed the shirt from my hands and glared at me.

"Whoa! Someone still loves their boy band, huh? Which was it? Donnie? Or the gay one with the high voice?"

"You'd know all about the gay one, wouldn't you?"

Ouch. That was a low blow and Bella was quick to apologize.

"Edward, I'm sorry, I didn't meant that. It's just these clothes mean a lot to me. When I was a teen, my mom won us the New Kids tickets and shirts from a radio station. You know we didn't have much money and never would have been able to afford it otherwise. The dress Audrey has on, I wore to a dance in eighth grade. I had my first kiss that night."

Normally, I wasn't the jealous type but I guess my pissy mood made me take offense to her statement. Logically I knew Bella didn't save herself for me, nor did I expect her to have, but fuck. We'd just come home from Forks, a place that didn't hold many good memories for me. I certainly didn't need to be reminded that she'd been kissing random guys through high school while I was bullied.

"Well, I'm glad someone has such good memories from high school."

Bella's eyes narrowed in on me. "You know what, Edward? That wasn't about you and it certainly wasn't meant as a dig. I think you're being a little over-sensitive here."

I shrugged. "Maybe I am. But I called to tell you I was coming home early because I had a crappy day. I wanted to come home- to a clean house- and maybe have you take care of me."

"For your information, I was up here planning our special date. And that mess downstairs? If you must know, we were working on something special for you. And when you called to say you were coming home, I had to scramble to hide things so as not to ruin the surprise. But screw it. Come on, girls, ready for a bubble bath?"

As she spoke, she peeled the clothes off the twins and stuffed them back into a box before ushering them past me. I felt like such an ass.

"Bella." I stopped her with my words and my hand on her arm. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize."

"Yeah, well, maybe you could give me the benefit of the doubt sometimes. I do actually do other things besides make a mess all day. If you'll excuse me..."

Without another word to me, she took Avery and Audrey down for their bath.

I scrubbed my hand over my face. Fuck, this wasn't what I wanted. I sure as hell didn't want to fall back into the pattern of fighting all the time. This wasn't how I pictured the day ending or even how Bella and I would be acting so soon after such a magical time away. I finished cleaning up the attic, then tackled the kitchen and dining room, ordering in a cheese pizza for dinner as I worked.

When Bella came back down with the freshly washed twins, I gave her a sheepish smile.

"I'm sorry. I had a bad day and took it out on you; I shouldn't have."

"You're right, you shouldn't have." Her tone told me she was still upset with me.

"I just didn't anticipate coming home to the house a mess. I guess I assumed you'd know I had a bad day and would have cleaned up."

"Remember Jake talking to us about having expectations? You can have them of yourself but not others."

"You're getting your money's worth from our therapy, aren't you?" I teased with a smile and Bella shrugged.

"I think it's good advice. Why does a messy house bother you so much, anyway?"

"I get a lot of flack from you and Carlisle about being anal about things being clean and organized. I'm not trying to be a dick, honestly. When I was a kid and life felt out of control, I took charge of what I could. I'd organize my cassette tapes, fold all my clothes, make my bed with hospital corners. Having some semblance of order made me feel like I had gained the upper hand on life somehow. So when I have a bad day, I need other parts of my life to be organized. I know it's stupid, but…" It even sounded ridiculous to my own ears but Bella smiled at me.

"Thank you for explaining and it makes sense. I can't guarantee the house will always be neat when you get home, but try not to think it's done on purpose to piss you off, okay? Today we were busy working on something and you getting home early surprised me so I didn't get a chance to clean up."

"It's my issue, Bella. I'm sorry but thanks for understanding. Listen, can we just forget about it, have some pizza, and enjoy our evening? Please?"

Bella nodded at me and gave her own apology. "I'm sorry I took offense to you making fun of my clothes and stuff. They have good memories for me."

"I know. I guess I'm jealous because I don't have many good memories from high school."

Across the table, Bella reached her hand out to mine; our fingers linked together.

"I wish I could change that, you know?"

I smiled at her. "You can't change the past, but thank you for wanting to."

We got the girls settled and sat down at the table ourselves with slices of deep-dish pizza in front of us. Though we'd both apologized, I could tell there was still some residual animosity on her part. I figured a little teasing would lighten things up.

"I'm still shocked, Bella. I mean, you had a thing for New Kids on the Block? Seriously? Wow, I was a nerd and never liked them. I would have pegged you for a Depeche Mode type, U2 maybe, but the New Kids? Hangin' Tough and all that?"

My wife smacked my arm pretty hard but at least she had a smile on her face when she did it.

During the rest of dinner, the conversation continued. The girls told me they made 'pretty deck stations' which I had no idea what that meant, and Bella shrugged like she didn't know either. In any case, though the house was a mess when I got home, it sounded like they all had a good day and really, that's what should have mattered to me. I'd acted irrationally and knew I had to make it up to her, somehow.

As we got ready for bed, I handed Bella her old concert tee shirt and she looked at me with a puzzled look on her face.

"I thought maybe you'd want to sleep with your NKOTB shirt on."

"Impressive, you know their nickname."

"Thank you. I did some research on Google. You liked Joey, didn't you?" I couldn't help but to smirk at her but Bella shook her head.

"Actually, I liked Jonathan. He was shy, quiet, sort of geeky…I mean–" Her words trailed off as she realized what she'd said, her cheeks tinging pink.

"The geeky one, huh?" I feigned to be insulted, my hand to my chest.

"I'm sorry. I never knew you as that guy, so I didn't mean—"

"Bella, it's fine. I'm teasing you. I was the shy, quiet, geeky one. I'm glad one nerd was getting some love from you."

She didn't put the shirt on because it reeked from being packed away for so many years, but she crawled into bed wearing mine instead. I think I preferred it that way. As we snuggled up together, I made an announcement.

"I want you to go to the spa on Saturday."

"What?"

I chuckled. "I think you deserve a day at the spa. Get a massage, a hair cut, pretty toes, whatever."

"And who's going to look after the girls, Edward?"

I snorted. "I will."

"You?"

"I'm their dad, Bella. I'm quite capable of looking after my own kids."

Really, how hard could it be?

"I'll be gone for four or five hours."

"That's it?" I mocked her warning tone. "Maybe you should make a weekend of it."

"You'd have to make them lunch, put them down for naps, entertain them."

I was glad it was dark so Bella couldn't see me rolling my eyes. Entertaining a couple of two year olds for a few hours certainly wouldn't be an issue for me.

"I'll call Esme if I need to. Are you going to go, or what?"

"Turn down a day at the spa, do you think I'm nuts? Absolutely. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Now come here and snuggle me, I had a shitty day."

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**So, it wasn't all roses when they got home but we didn't expect it to be, did we?  
Up next, Bella goes to the spa and Edward has the littles for a few hours. I'm sure it'll all be fine. Right?  
See you Monday!**


	19. Chapter 19

**Thanks to my pre-reader, Lolo84, my beta, Capricorn 75, and to MapleStyle who makes me smile.  
Thanks to all of you for enduring the angst - here's a little laughter as your reward. xo**

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**Chapter 19**

Have you ever had what Oprah calls an 'Aha' moment? A moment when everything that was seemingly muddled in your head suddenly became crystal clear? Honestly, I always thought it was bullshit. Come on, you're sitting alone and there's this- what?- higher being that shines a spotlight on you and instantly you understand the complexities of life? Yeah, right. Wouldn't that be nice?

When I was younger, you have no idea how many times I wished for answers to some pretty harsh questions I'd been pondering. I would literally cry and beg God to answer me, desperate for my own aha moment. Why was I bullied? Why did my dad have to be gay? Why did my mom have to die? Not once did he answer me – either with a whispered voice or a blinding light. If anyone deserved an 'aha' moment, it was seventeen year old broken Edward. Really, his questions were the only ones I thought needed to be answered, and when they weren't I became a cynic.

I thought anyone who had their precious Oprah moment was a wingnut. Smoked too much weed. Off their rocker. Delusional even came to mind.

Now I recant; take back anything and everything I ever said. And I apologize to anyone I may have offended with my disbelief. I had my own personal 'aha' moment and there's something I need to say:

I hereby publicly apologize to my wife for ever thinking that being a stay-at-home mom was an easy job. It's a hard, thankless, exhausting job and I came to that conclusion after I had been with the kids for only a few short hours. Why the hell did I ever suggest Bella go to the spa and leave me with our spawn? Who was their father, the devil? Good God! I swear, Bella must have given them instructions to be pains in the ass and they not only took her advice, they ran with it.

I contemplated calling Esme for help, but Bella would probably never let me live that down, so I was on my own. The day had started out with such promise, too.

Bella left at ten, meeting up with her friend Nessie for breakfast before going together to Spa Utopia after that.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay? I won't be home until at least three."

I stood in front of her, both girls in my arms and balked at her. "Please, Bella. We'll be fine. Why don't you go shopping afterwards, buy yourself a new outfit as well."

Why the hell had I been so cocky? Idiot.

Before she left, I was given final instructions. I was kind of insulted until I realized I didn't know most of what she was telling me. Audrey could have watered down apple juice with lunch, but not Avery because it would give her diarrhea. Speaking of lunch, I was on my own but surely I could manage to make something nutritious - as long as Bella had gone grocery shopping.

I was told to ask the girls if they needed to use the potty every twenty minutes (please, that was a bit excessive) and take them regardless of their answer every hour. Naptime was no later than one or they wouldn't sleep that night. Bella gave me suggestions for crafts for 'fine motor skills' and I nodded like I knew what she was talking about. There was more but I shooed her out the door thinking it was going to be a piece of cake.

I should have listened; taken notes. Better yet, taken some meds to keep myself calm. Really, I shouldn't have never suggested the stupid spa or shopping afterwards in the first place. Never. Again.

Know what I foolishly expected from my day with Audrey and Avery? After Bella left, we'd snuggle on the couch. Maybe they'd read a story while I watched the game I recorded earlier in the week. By the time the game was over, it would be lunch. I'd make us some soup and grilled cheese, put them down for a nap, maybe grab one myself and voila, Bella would come back to a clean and quiet house.

Who's fucking delusional now?

After I made myself a bowl of popcorn, I set the girls up on the couch beside me with some books and turned on the game. When they got bored they started jumping on the couch and me, popcorn flying. I may or may not have let them because it was at a crucial part of the game and I wanted to see. Except Audrey jumped on the remote and somehow managed to delete the game. When I cursed, they repeated. Awesome start.

Plan B: crafts. There was no way I was going to break out anything messy like felt pens or glue so I brought out Play Dough. The twins excitedly clapped and I felt like the best dad ever. While they were happily playing and cutting with plastic scissors and knives, I took a phone call from Carlisle in the kitchen. Not kidding, it was a five-minute call.

And in those five minutes, the girls managed to shred the dough into tiny little pieces, grind it into the rug and somehow mix up all the colors though I left specific instructions not to do that. Yes, that's anal of me I know, but simple instructions, even for a two year old, I thought.

When I told the girls it was time to clean it up, they melted. Crying, yelling, and hitting my legs with their tiny little fists. Seriously? Over Play Dough? I made it much worse when I brought out the vacuum to clean up the rug. How did I not know they were deathly afraid of it? Oy! I left the mess and planned to clean it up during nap time or at the very latest before Bella got home. You and I both know that didn't happen.

And during the whole crying/sobbing/flail-about-on-the-floor/snotty/messy ordeal, guess who completely forgot to ask if they needed to go pee? Two accidents cleaned up and one more followed. At least Audrey was quiet for me while I changed her sister for the second time.

Do you know why she was quiet? Because she was finger painting her SHIT all over the bedroom wall. While gagging, I managed to clean her and the walls as best I could with the entire box of wipes. There was no way I could manage a bath to really get Audrey clean so I put gloves on her hands in the meantime. Those didn't last. A little dirt, okay technically feces, never hurt anyone, right?

I learned my lesson and decided to just put diapers on them. Bella would never know. Except the girls cried and cried, insisting they were big girls. Yeah, no they weren't, but have you ever tried to argue with not one but two, two year olds? You lose, every time. Trust me. After accident number four, I went in search of feminine hygiene products. The girls were thrilled to be wearing mommy's fancy padded underwear. I'm a genius, pure genius. Problem solved.

Moving on to lunch. Who doesn't like tomato soup and grilled cheese? My girls, that's who. I didn't know my kids had such a good verbal repertoire but lunch was 'gross', 'yucky' and 'icky' and not only did they refuse to eat it, they threw their sandwiches on the floor. After they took the bread off and of course, they landed cheese side down. Something else to clean up at nap time. I had a feeling I wouldn't be getting much rest during their downtime.

I offered all the things Bella had suggested: cut up apple slices, cheese, and plain pasta noodles. They said 'yes' to each and only _after_ I served it to them did they turn their noses up and refused them flat out. Out of desperation, I fixed them each a bowl of my own personal stash of Lucky Charms and exactly like me they picked out the marshmallows but at least I could say lunch was complete. It's the thought that counts.

Thank God that after lunch it was time for their nap – I could use one myself. My plan was to grab some sleep while the girls did then enlist their help to clean up before Bella got home. Unfortunately, Avery and Audrey must have been so excited about having daddy home, naptime was a bust. Without one, they were bouncing off the walls. I thought that was a figure of speech but no, they were quite literally running and bumping into the walls. At least they were giggling and not crying.

Damn it, spoke too soon.

What goes up must come down, and those two little girls came crashing down – hard! Sisters can fight like I've never seen before. Carlisle and I usually got along but my two not so much. Avery hit Audrey just under her eye with my iPhone, which I only gave her to give myself a few minutes of peace and quiet. The phone left a mark that turned into a bruise almost immediately. I debated using Bella's makeup to cover it up, but accidents happen, right? At least my phone was okay. While I was tending to Audrey, Avery was thankfully quiet.

_Thankfully... _what the hell am I saying? A quiet two year old is a naughty two year old. I should've known better. By the time I found Avery, she was sitting on the floor of the kitchen, frantically stuffing peanuts into her mouth. Who the hell would have left peanuts…out…shit! I'd grabbed a handful while I was talking to Carlisle and forgot to put them back. Did you know it's not just cartoon characters or actors on TV who smack their head?

One thing I knew for sure was that our kids didn't have peanut allergies.

I think. Oh Fuck.

What was it that Bella had said? Avery couldn't have apple juice- or was it peanuts and peanut butter? Shit, shit, shit!

Bella had poison control's number posted on the fridge so I called it in a panic. Funny, I'd never noticed it there before. I wondered if that was for my benefit but at that point I didn't care, I needed to call them. They asked a bunch of questions, took down my name and number (probably so they could call Child Protective Services later) and the end result was that I was to watch her closely for any reaction. Red face, rash, any abnormal behavior. I wasn't going to let daughter number one out of my sight.

Which reminded me that she was one of two. Shit!

When I got back to the living room, Audrey was standing on the hutch, reaching for a picture frame that was on the wall just out of her reach. Her toes were hanging over and she was teetering on the edge. When I yelled her name, she burst into tears as I grabbed her down. More snot ensued. Did kids not run out of the stuff? Jeez! And did you know they can actually blow snot bubbles? Now that was fucking disgusting.

I ended up making a blanket fort in the living room and finally the kids were content. Well, after I brought down every teddy bear and doll they collectively owned. And a few hundred books. And turned on the TV. There may have been all the couch cushions and every pillow in the entire house in that fort too but hell, they were finally happy. Thank God.

The next thing I remembered was waking up in a fog. There was instant panic as I realized the girls weren't with me. Shit, where the hell were they? I scrambled out of the tent. The house was still a mess, and quiet – a bad, bad sign. In the distance, through my groggy mind, I heard them giggling and my stomach sank. Nothing good could come from unsupervised, happy two-year olds.

Bounding up the stairs two at a time, I found them splashing in the bath; Bella perched on the toilet seat watching them. When she saw me, her smirk went from ear to ear.

"Hi, Daddy. How was your afternoon?"

Was she mocking me?

"Oh, yeah, it was great. Uh huh. No problems. We had lots of fun, didn't we girls?"

My little sidekicks both grinned and backed me up.

"That's great, I'm glad you had some time together."

"It was nice, I think maybe I'll do it again sometime."

Not bloody likely! Note to self: book vasectomy.

"The house is a bit of a mess." Bella bit her lip as she tried not to smile.

"Is it? I hadn't noticed. We were having so much fun."

Not kidding, it looked like a bomb went off. Far, far worse than any mess I'd ever come home to when Bella looked after them.

"Riiight. Did they give you any trouble?"

I looked over at Audrey with her bruised eye and shrugged my shoulders. "There was an unfortunate incident earlier but no broken bones."

Or broken iPhones.

"That's good. So, uh, poison control called…"

Could her grin get any bigger?

I scratched my head. "That's odd. Why did they call?"

"They wanted to see how Avery was doing after she ingested some peanuts."

"Hmm, that's odd. Must have been a wrong number. Different Avery."

"They called your cell phone asking for Edward Cullen."

With eyebrows raised, I feigned being innocent. More accurately, I told Bella I'd go tidy up while she finished with the girls.

When she came down to the kitchen a while later without them, I looked at the clock.

"Where are the twins? It's only six - they aren't in bed already are they?"

Bella nodded. "I guess they were so exhausted from their fun day with Daddy."

"Yeah, we had a blast."

Calling poison control was obviously the highlight of the day.

"You were the only one who got a nap, weren't you?"

Now, I could lie or I could tell the truth. Bella's face told me she already knew the answer and honestly, I didn't have it in me. I dropped down into a chair.

"Oh my God, Bella. Our kids our fucking crazy. They make messes everywhere they go. They are demanding and needy and clingy and piss in their pants all the time. They fight, like a lot, over the most ridiculous things. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without one or both of them knocking and whining at the door to come in. Is there a reason why don't they speak in a normal voice? Is there something wrong with their ears that they feel they must yell everything? And do you have any idea how many times little kids say "Daddy!" in an hour?"

"I have an idea, yes."

"And since when did we have picky eater kids? They hated whatever I offered them for lunch."

"Except the Lucky Charms."

"Yes, I mean, no I made them…yeah, they loved them."

Bella looked totally smug. "Hence no nap. You had them hopped up on sugar."

"I thought they were so excited to be home with me."

The doorbell rang, interrupting us; Bella gave me a quizzical look.

"I, uh, ordered in Chinese tonight. I didn't have the energy to cook."

"You mean it wasn't a picnic staying home playing house?"

I stuck my tongue out at her while I went to pay for our meal. We sat down to dinner and continued talking as we ate.

"Avery's not allergic to peanuts is she?"

"No, she's not. For the record, neither's Audrey."

"Thank God! I had a panic attack. Those girls are busy, Bella. Like crazy." I shook my head and then it happened.

The spotlight shone down on me and I had my very own Oprah-like 'Aha' moment of clarity. Being a stay-at-home mom is hard work. I'd rather be on the job site for twelve hours a day than have to watch two year olds for half that amount of time.

"Bella, I'm sorry. For ever discrediting what you do. If I were you, I'd go back to work in the hospital. It's easier."

"You don't have to thank me, Edward. Coming home, seeing you passed out in the tent amongst the chaotic mess while the girls happily watched TV and ate marshmallows is all the thanks I need."

It wasn't until later that I found out she told everyone about the maxi pads in the girl's panties via Facebook.

Awesome.

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**Hope you enjoyed the comic relief! ****Only two chapters left *sniff* That makes me sad! **

**But ...**

**I'm working on a new fic - high school, unlucky ward - I'm going back to funny! It'll be a while before I post because I like to have the story fully written before I post (while juggling 2 kids and a newborn) but stay tuned!**

**Next up: Bella takes Edward on her surprise date.**

**See you Thursday xo**


	20. Chapter 20

**The reviews from last chapter were awesome - thank you so much! Glad I could provide some comic relief! Thanks to my usual suspects: Lolo84 and Capricorn 75 xoxo**

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**Chapter 20**

I hated surprises. Correction; when I was the one doing the surprising, I was fine. But when I was on the receiving end, I despised them. I liked being in control of circumstances and not knowing what was going on made me feel uneasy. Even if I was reassured that it was a good kind of surprise, I still felt anxious. And that was exactly how I felt the following week.

Bella was up to something. She would take phone calls, talking low and soft, and being all secretive. She got Esme to babysit while she went on a 'nothing' errand. I was positive it was pertaining to our special date but I still felt jittery, like I had too much coffee coursing through my veins. At work, I was short-fused and cranky; Carlisle was at his wits' end with me.

"Seriously, what's your problem?"

"Nothin'." I grumbled as I signed off on some paperwork.

"This is not 'nothin' – you're a pain in my ass lately. What's going on?"

I gave an exaggerated sigh. "As per our therapist, Bella has to plan a special date for me."

"And?"

"You know I hate surprises."

"Give me a break. It's obviously going to be something good. Maybe you'll get laid at the end of the day."

"We're, uh, not supposed to do that." Scratching my head I tried to explain Jake's rule- I mean, suggestion. Whatever it was. I certainly didn't appreciate Carlisle's obnoxious laughter.

"You're not supposed to have sex with your own wife? I'm sorry, but I think your shrink's a quack! You've been seeing him for a while, how long have you been abstaining?" The disbelief in his voice was mocking.

"We, uh, sort of did it back in Forks."

"Sex isn't a 'sort of' kind of thing, little brother. You either did it or you didn't. Unless you didn't do it well and only you got off, then it's sort of."

"Ha, ha, very funny. We did it, and did it well, thank you very much. Except we both felt guilty afterwards."

"That's ridiculous. I think that Jake guy's a sadist. Sex is good for a marriage. In fact, I think you should go home right now and fuck your wife. Seriously, get out of here."

According to my watch it was 5:00, so I didn't really feel bad about skipping out a half hour or so early. Thanking Carlisle, I headed home but when I got there Esme was babysitting and Bella was out. Again.

"She had to run an errand but told me to send you up to your room. She left you a note there." A smile was playing on her lips. Whatever was going on, Esme was privy to the secret. I kissed both my girls and headed up to our room.

There was a garment bag and a note laid out on the bed. Bella's looping script told me not to peek at my outfit but to have a shower first and then get dressed. Even under the normally relaxing spray my heart was pounding. I was nervous and feeling like this was my first ever date. I guess, it sort of was – a fresh start with my wife.

As I dried off, I used a spare towel to wipe the steam from the mirror. Staring back at me wasn't the same guy from years before but I certainly had the same pre-date jitters I had when I first started dating. So much so that I cut myself shaving, a bleeder that took a while to stop. And my hair, fuck. It took me twenty minutes to get it to look like I hadn't spent any time on it. _  
_  
When it was time to get dressed, I cautiously unzipped the garment bag and raised an eyebrow.

"A tux, Bella? What do you have planned?" I wondered aloud as I put it on. I'd only worn a tuxedo one other time in my life- you know when. Even at our wedding, I wore a simple, charcoal grey suit. Whatever my wife had planned, if it was tux-worthy, then the night was shaping up to be a good one – a fact that did nothing to calm my nerves.

I walked downstairs and was greeted by a catcall from Esme and compliments from my girlies.

"Wow, Daddy! Prince Charming!"

My heart melted on the spot. Seriously.

"Don't you look handsome, Edward." Esme came over to me, giving me a hug as I straightened up from the girls' embrace. "I don't think this toilet paper goes with your outfit though." She winked as she took the bloodied square of tissue off my cut. Once a nerd; always a nerd.

There was a quiet knock on the door. I know it was my own house but I felt weird answering it. Esme had to urge me forward as she and the girls took a step back.

With my hands shaking on the doorknob, my nerves were apparent. I chastised myself because it was a date with my wife and no need to be nervous. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Carlisle?"

"Oh, good, I didn't miss it!"

My brother pushed himself inside, closing the door behind him.

"You knew about this?"

"Of course I did. We're babysitting. You look good all cleaned up." He bumped shoulders with me affectionately.

As I thanked him, the doorbell rang. I took another nervous breath before I answered the door. Once opened, I was left standing in awe at the site before me.

It was Bella that time, looking simply radiant. She probably spent a fortune on her hair and makeup but all I noticed was her smiling at me. Well, and her dress too. Correction - the creamy skin her dress was revealing. Bare arms; bare back. Blood red, body-hugging material. Breasts that looked fucking amazing. Yeah. Wow.

Honestly, that was the most coherent word I could come up with.

Esme cleared her throat behind me and passed me a box, gesturing with her head that I should give it to Bella. I did and Bella squealed excitedly when she took out the peach hued carnation wrist corsage. As she slipped it on, she gushed.

"Edward, it's perfect. Thank you."

"Bella, is this…I mean… what the heck is going on?"

"It's date night and I'm taking you to prom."

If ever I doubted the depths of her love for me, right then I had clarity. She once said she wished she could change my past and I told her that was impossible. I was still right; there was no way to turn back time and erase a bad memory. But you could always make a new one to override it. And that was exactly what Bella was going to do. God, I loved her. _And I knew she loved me. _Tears pooled in my eyes_!_

"When did you get this dress? You look stunning." I wiped away the wetness as I laughed.

"This is the actual dress I wore to prom. Had to have it altered a little but…" She looked proud of herself that her dress still fit after all the years and having had the twins.

"Are you sure that Alec kid didn't try to get in your pants? What was he thinking?" I pulled my wife to me, my lips at her ear. "Because I sure as hell will be doing my very best to get you out of that dress later." My hand wandered down to her backside, giving it a squeeze.

Esme cleared her throat and I retracted my hand immediately, blushing in the wake.

"Excuse me, Edward is it?" Esme walked over to me. "I'm Ms. Swan. I expect you to be a gentleman with my daughter tonight."

Even though I knew she was playing a role, she intimidated me. I swallowed hard and managed to croak out a curt 'Yes, ma'am.

"Good, now stand on the stairs together, Momma needs some pictures."

Bella and I posed for what felt like a hundred photos and I smiled for every single one of them. I couldn't care less that my cheeks hurt, because it was a good kind of pain. With hugs and kisses to our daughters, my brother, and 'Bella's mom' we were eventually on our way.

Waiting at the curb was a white stretch limo, driver standing by.

"Bella- this is- wow! Thank you!"

"I hope you won't be disappointed. Tonight there will be no McDonalds. We have dinner plans."

There was a sparkle to her eye but she wasn't giving up anything no matter how much I asked. Well, begged was more like it. And bribed with kisses. She was a stubborn one, my Bella, and very tight-lipped. I gave up, and for the first time enjoyed the unexpected.

As we snuggled in the back of the limo, we were chauffeured to downtown Seattle and eventually stopped in Delaney Park. The limo driver opened our door, offering his hand to help Bella out of the vehicle. His job that day wasn't just that of driver, he also brought out a camera and acted as our photographer, as well. Bella and I took pictures in the gazebo, by the lake, and in the flower garden. We got more than a few strange looks. I couldn't blame them- we were a couple of almost thirty-year olds; giggling and pretending to be out for prom.

And you know what? For once in my life, I didn't give a shit that people were looking at me and probably laughing behind my back. I was having the time of my life. Lifting Bella into my arms bridal style, we posed for picture after picture. By the time we got back into the limo, my stomach hurt from all the laughing.

The next stop was the Four Seasons Hotel. Walking into the lobby, Bella led me down the hall to a private banquet room. The sign outside the door said 'Welcome Graduating Class of 2000' - that alone was enough to turn me weepy again. Then I opened the double doors and walked under the helium balloon archway into my own fairytale.

There were pink and white streamers twisted together and swooping across the ceiling. Hundreds of various sized glittery paper hearts and mini white lights dangling down, casting dancing shadows onto the floor and walls. Dinner music played all around us setting the mood even more so. In the center of the room, under an elaborate, softly lit chandelier, was one lone table set for two. It was complete with white tablecloth, candles, and fancy dishes. I may have never been to prom but I've seen enough movies to know what it's supposed to look like, and Bella had obviously outdone herself.

I was stunned as I turned to Bella, who simply smiled at me as she took my hand and brought me over to the table. Thankfully, I had my wits about me still and held out her chair. Almost instantly, we had a waiter at our table telling us about the dinner selection for the evening and offering us champagne, which Bella smirked at with a shrug of her shoulder.

"One of the perks of having your prom when you're over twenty-one is you can legally drink."

We clinked glasses before we took our first sips of the bubbly liquid. It felt as fizzy in my mouth as the butterflies did in my stomach.

"Bella, this is too much! I can't get over everything. The decorations—"

"Made by your daughters."

"What?"

Bella smiled. "That mess you came home to? We were busy making the 'pretty deck stations' as the twins called them."

"And the clothes in the attic...you were looking for your dress?"

My wife nodded. "Yes."

"Why? Why would you do this for me?"

"It's very simple, Edward. I love you."

"How can I thank you? This is so...honestly, it may be the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me."

"Don't thank me yet, you still have to dance with me. And I can't dance worth shit in heels."

I smiled at her. "I don't care, not one bit." Before I could say much more, dinner was presented and, damn, it was amazing. Roast beef, garlic mashed potatoes, grilled vegetables; but really, the company was far superior. Most of the time we didn't even talk but enjoyed each other's company nonetheless. As the dessert plates were cleared away, Bella set her napkin on the table and leaned over in my direction.

"This is where you ask me if I want to dance." She winked at me as she whispered.

Tossing my own napkin on the table, I pushed my chair back and went to her, holding out my hand.

"Miss Swan, I would be honored if you'd dance with me."

"I'd love to, Mr. Cullen."

As I led her a little way from the table, the music picked up. For a moment I stood there awkwardly, channeling 17 year old Edward, unsure of where to place my hands. Bella smiled at me and wrapped her hands around my neck. I let mine curve about her waist. As the song 'Amazed' by Lonestar started to play, we swayed to the beat.

"I know this is a cheesy song but I downloaded all the top songs from 2000 and 2001 for tonight. I wanted you to have everything you missed out on."

"Bella, this is more than perfect. You have no idea."

The two of us danced to many of the top hits from a decade plus ago. Love songs that I once cursed now had special meaning with the woman of my dreams in my arms. And then Bella kicked off her shoes and we danced to some upbeat songs as well. While we danced we managed to finish off the bottle of champagne and a bottle of wine. I was more intoxicated by the whole experience than the alcohol, and completely drunk on love.

At the end of the evening, I led Bella out to the patio so we could get some fresh air. The moon was full and bright in the cloudless night sky; the stars in abundance. Bella always looked beautiful but in that lighting – with the pale moonlight basking her skin – she looked angelic.

"You look so beautiful." I reached my hand out, drawing a finger down her bare arm. Goose bumps rose and she slightly shivered at my touch. "Are you cold?"

Bella shook her head. "Not at all." Her hands grabbed onto my lapels as she lightly tugged me closer. "You're the most gorgeous man I have ever seen."

I shook my head to protest but Bella nodded vigorously.

"You are. I wish you could see that."

"I don't think I'll ever see myself as anything but geeky Edward."

"No matter how you see yourself, baby, you have no clue what you do to me." With her body pressed up against me- more specifically her breasts flush against my chest- I had a pretty good idea. Damn it.

I wanted to kiss her. I needed to have her suck on my lip then my tongue and pull her fingers through my hair. I was starving for that connection with her. But first, I wanted to breathe her in.

Closing my eyes, I leaned closer to her, inhaling deeply through my nose. I stalled for a moment, lingering in her scent. And then my lips pressed to hers and I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest. The butterflies in my stomach made it feel like it was my first kiss.

It wasn't until later that I realized our kiss on the patio was almost exactly how I'd described my first (fake) kiss to my mom all those years before. Except this time it was real and far exceeded anything I could have ever dreamt. I hoped those stars in the sky were portholes for my mom to watch from heaven. If she was watching, I knew there was a smile on her face.

When we parted our lips were swollen, as was another part of me. Bella smirked as she felt me rubbing against her thigh.

"Are you ready to get out of here?"

I shook my head and pulled her closer. "No. I don't want this night to end. I don't want to go home yet."

"We're not going home. It's prom night and I booked us a room."

"But the girls?"

"Edward. Are you really going to question me right now? I'm horny as hell and we have a room. I'm expecting you to fuck me senseless tonight. Sorry to put it so bluntly."

"No, no, blunt is good. Yeah, let's get outta here!"

Like a couple of horny teens we giggled our way to our room. I groped her in the elevator, kissed her in the hallway, took her panties off and had my fingers inside her all before she had the key card in the door.

The only part where I wasn't rough was when I took the bobby pins out of her hair. Otherwise, it was fast, furious, and fucking fantastic. I made Bella come with my hands, my tongue, and my cock. I left her sweaty, gasping for air, and begging me to stop because she couldn't take it anymore. Only then did I let myself go, burying myself deep inside her as her legs were slung over my shoulders. Her name fell from my lips in repeated grunts and groans before I collapsed on top of her in a heaving, sweaty, exhausted mess. Bliss. It was pure bliss.

"Good Lord, Bella. That was…fuck…that was amazing. Is that what all proms are like?"

Bella laughed. "No, I don't think 17 year old boys can fuck like that."

Finally - a silver lining to not going to my prom.

* * *

**I hope you enjoyed Bella's surprise date for Edward. I'd love to hear your thoughts!**

**Next up - the last chapter. Jake's back - have you missed him?**


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

Bella and I made love in the morning before we went home. As fast and furious as the night before had been, our morning lovemaking was on the opposite end of the spectrum. We took our time; slow and calculated in our movements. Kisses were tender, not bitten. Our hands were caressing, not grabbing; we gave more than we took. And though our words were much less dirty they were still breathy and hot on our dampened skin. Either way, both times were equally amazing.

And yet, walking into Jake's office a few days later, I felt like a little kid who'd done something wrong. Three-times over. I tried to take the bounce out of my step, walking in with a somber face but right away, our therapist knew something was up. I really needed to work on being stealthy.

"Look at you two- something's different." Jake observed us sitting closer on the loveseat, my arm draped casually around the back of the chair; Bella's hand resting on my knee. I fought against the I-got-laid smile that threatened to reveal all.

"I'm going to guess you two had a good few weeks?"

"We certainly did." Bella amazed me - answering without so much as a smirk. I could learn a thing or two from her.

"And did you each take the other on a special date?"

"Mine wasn't a conventional 'date'- I took her home to Forks."

"Wow, Edward, that was a big step. I'm proud of you. How did it go?"

"Shit, Jake, it was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do."

"Well, you had a lot of ghosts to face there so that's no surprise."

"True. My brother and I finally released my mom's ashes."

"I imagine it was hard to let go of that one last tangible piece of her."

How right he was.

"Did you have your wife cremated?" I wondered if it were too personal a question but Jake had no problem with answering me.

"At her request, yes, but we haven't spread her ashes anywhere yet. I want to wait until Seth's a bit older so he can help me decide where her final resting place should be."

I nodded. "Yeah, it's a hard decision. Carlisle and I debated beforehand, but you'll know what's right for her and for you when the time comes."

Jake chuckled. "Now who's sounding like a therapist? What else happened in Forks?"

"I ran into Jessica almost as soon as we arrived in town."

Jake's eyebrows rose as he waited for me to continue.

"Surprisingly, I don't hate her as much as I thought I did. I made peace with her, said goodbye to my mom and all the other memories that have haunted me, all in a day and a half."

"And how do you feel now?"

"Good. I feel really good. I couldn't have done it without Bella." I reached over for her hand, our fingers laced together. "She was my rock."

"I'm so glad to hear that, Edward." Jake smiled at me like a proud father. He took a sip of water before turning to Bella. "Did you manage to take Edward on a date?"

"I did. I rented a banquet room and took Edward to prom."

Jake smiled. "That's pretty awesome."

"It really was, Jake! Bella arranged for a tux for me and picked me up at our front door in a stretch limo. The driver doubled as a photographer and we stopped on the way to have our pictures taken in the park. We got the hotel, Bella had the banquet room decorated with streamers, balloons and decorations our girls had made. And she wore the dress she wore to her own prom. I almost feel like we'd actually gone together."

Jake grinned, obviously happy for me - for us. "You got the prom you always wanted."

I got the life I always wanted, I thought to myself.

"I definitely did. She couldn't change the past but she gave me the whole prom experience I missed out on. Dinner and dancing. She even, uh, rented us a hotel room…"

That was my subtle way of ratting us out.

"I see." Jake wasn't stupid and I knew he understood what I was implying. I couldn't tell if he was upset with us or not. I felt the need to explain further.

"So, we, um, had sex. A few times. The, uh, first time, we, uh, did it, was in Forks. It just sort of happened. If it makes you feel better, we both felt super guilty about it afterwards, like we disappointed you or something. And then at prom—"

Jake held up his hand, effectively stopping my rambling confession.

"Edward, you don't need to explain."

I studied his expression but, damn, he had a great poker face. _  
_  
"Are you mad? Because I can't read you."

"I'm not mad. Believe me, if I were, you would know."

"But you specifically told Edward and me to enjoy not having sex. And we disobeyed you." Bella nervously played with the ends of her hair as she addressed Jake but he merely laughed.

"I'm not your father, Bella, I'm your therapist. You are free to take any of my advice with a grain of salt. May I be blunt for a minute?"

"Please," I encouraged.

"What I didn't want was for you to have a quick fuck - meaningless sex for the sake of having it. Sometimes sex can be selfish, more take than give. I wanted there to be the deepest feelings of love there your first time. Does that make sense?"

Our heads nodded at Jake's words.

"We've sort of done both. But the first time in Forks…" My voice trailed off. I simply had no words to describe the moment Bella and I had shared in our meadow.

"I'm going to bet it was pretty emotional."

Shyly, I raised my hand like a moron.

"I cried."

Jake closed his eyes, shook his head, and sort of chuckled under his breath.

"There was no doubt in my mind that you did, Edward. And that's fine; I'm not mocking you. I'm laughing because you're honest to a fault – I like that. You had a lot of pent up, raw emotions you were dealing with at that time – being home, saying goodbye to your mom, meeting up with Jessica - everything. And then you reconciled with your wife in a very personal, primal way."

He paused for a moment then blushed before he spoke again.

"The, uh, first time I had sex after Leah died, I was a blubbering idiot. It's no wonder the girl never called me again - she probably thought I was a freak. I stupidly thought having casual sex would be easier than making love. Boy, was I wrong - I was such a wreck afterwards. I can only imagine how much more emotional it was for you to reconnect with your wife on that level after such a long hiatus."

"It was…" I shook my head, the whole experience still felt surreal. "I felt like I was loved."

"And you were, Edward. You are. Gotta tell you, I'm pretty jealous."

He looked at me then, and the honesty I felt from his statement hurt my heart. I couldn't imagine how it would feel to lose my wife forever. I once thought I was losing Bella to divorce, and that was enough to break me. But to lose her for good - to never be able to hear her voice, catch a glimpse of her again, or touch her for a moment - _fuck_. Unimaginable. I felt so badly for the man who'd helped me put my marriage back together.

"Has there been anyone special since your wife died?" Bella asked in a quiet voice.

Jake shrugged. "Seth is my life now, and I focus solely on his well being. Besides, I don't really have anyone who can readily babysit so I spend most of my time outside work with him. Think about how hard it is to maintain a relationship when you have children. Now imagine trying to _start _one when you're a 42-year old widowed father. Heh, heh. I certainly come with my own baggage. Anyway, enough about me." Jake waved it off like it wasn't a big deal but I had a feeling he wanted to find love again, one day. _  
_  
Bella wasn't giving up that easily.

"Are you open to a relationship?"

I leaned back in my seat, watching as teacher became student.

"I wouldn't say 'no' to one."

"How would Seth feel about you dating?"

"He was young when Leah died. He always tells me he wants to have a mom again. Someone who'll make him chocolate chip cookies after school; someone who's warm and snuggly and will tuck him in at night with a blanket, a book, and a kiss on his forehead like only a mom can do. I can't blame him - I want that for him, too."

"Do you want that for yourself?"

Bella was ballsy; I loved it.

"Of course I do. It's hard, though, because I'm not actively dating and I highly doubt a girlfriend will just fall into my lap."

"I have this friend—"

I laughed when Jake interrupted her.

"Whoa, hold on a second here. Let's not go playing matchmaker. Just because you two are getting back on track doesn't mean you know what's best for someone else."

Bella grinned. "Someone else or you, Jake?"

Back in therapist mode, he continued without even entertaining the idea.

"Anyway…I think you've both made really good progress. There are some issues we still need to talk about. Unfortunately, it looks like we're almost out of time for today. Should we meet again in three weeks?"

Bella folded her arms across her chest defiantly.

"Nice way to skirt around the question, Jake."

He winked at Bella as he patted the armrests of the chair he was sitting in. "This chair permits me to do the asking, not the answering."

"Nessie's really sweet—"

I put my hand on my wife's arm but she ignored me.

"She's a veterinarian, stunningly gorgeous. Isn't she, Edward?"

"I'm not getting involved."

"She is. She's never been married. Loves kids…"

Jake and I stood up and shook hands. Reluctantly, Bella followed suit.

"I'm serious, Jake. I've talked to her about you and she'd loved to meet you. I'm just putting it out there. If you ever want to meet her, you have our number. Call us, okay? Everyone deserves to be happy."

"Thank you, Bella. I appreciate the offer and I will take it into consideration."

**O*O*O*O**

We had a few more sessions with Jake after that last one. Life at home wasn't always perfect and Bella and I still fought sometimes, but not to the same degree. Jake taught us how to communicate better, how to ask for what we wanted without feelings of guilt, and so many other things. I learned that taking care of my wife was far more than providing financially for our family. Most importantly, we both learned not to take each other for granted.

On our very last session, Jake and I exchanged firm handshakes. His hand squeezed my shoulder as he told me he was proud of how far I'd come since that first day I sat defiantly on his couch. In all my years I'd never heard my own father tell me he was proud of me, so for those words to come from someone who seven months before was a virtual stranger almost brought tears to my eyes.

"I can't thank you enough, Jake. Not only for saving me, but our marriage as well."

"Edward, Bella. It was my pleasure to work with you. To see the transformation between you as husband and wife – from strangers to friends to lovers again– makes my job worthwhile."

Bella asked if she could give him a hug before we left and Jake laughed saying that would be fine. It was a good thing I liked the guy because otherwise I may have had an issue with it. Jealousy was apparently an issue I still needed to work on.

Life after therapy was good. Our marriage was stronger and, more importantly, Bella and I were happy. Truly happy. I was so thankful for Jake's expertise and friendship during our time together that I missed seeing him on a regular basis. However, it was time for Bella and me to make it on our own. We could do it, one step at a time.

It was a little over a year after our last session when we heard from him again. When our landline rang, Bella stood up to get the phone, confusion on her face as she apparently didn't recognize the number. I listened to her half of the conversation with one eyebrow raised.

"Hello? Jake, hi! What a nice surprise. No, please don't apologize. It's absolutely fine. Yes, we're both good – great actually." Bella looked down, rubbing circles on her protruding belly. Our son was only a few short weeks away from making his appearance. Yes, we were definitely doing great.

"I'm going to take it you're calling for a reason, unless you randomly call your ex-clients at home on a Saturday night?"

I was intrigued as her face broke out into a huge grin.

"Absolutely, Jake, I think Nessie would still love to meet you."

The End.

* * *

**Apologizing in advance for the big A/N here:  
**

**1. Thanks to each of you for reading and reviewing, it means so much to me.**

**2. Thanks Lolo84 and Capricorn75, pre-reader and beta. Love you both!**

**3. Sorry I haven't replied to reviews from last chapter - I will get to them I promise. I've been a little busy...**

**4. Baby Canuck - Little (5lbs 15oz) Miss EMMA - arrived on Friday Marc 29th two weeks early. I had to wait for the OR to open up so I labored on my own for a while but she was born safe and perfect. So far she's a good baby, very sleepy and not the best at nursing but I think we'll keep her. Big Brother and Big Sister could be more in love. My son whispered she was 'Amazing!" and my daughter exclaimed that she was "Precious".**

**5. Again, thank you so much for reading this story. I was overwhelmed by so many who could relate on so many different levels from Edward's bullying, to their marriage problems, to the two of them finding each other and falling back in love. Isn't that what marriage really is - falling in love with the same person over and over again.**

**Sending my love to you all. One day I will put out another story but no guarantees on when - I have a feeling I'm going to be a bit busy for a while.**

PS Seven-Year Itch has been nominated in the poll to find the Top Ten Favourite Fics completed in March over on www . twifanfictionrecs . com  
Thank you for the nomination 3

**xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox**


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